Mirror, Mirror on the Wall By Contributing Author - Brian Sommer
Karen Bontrager
Founder Crisis to Courage for Men I Podcast | 16-24 | ★ Money & Thought Leader | TBRI Trauma Clinician | LMHCA Therapist | ACC Trauma Coach | No Fear in Love Race President | Coaching | Scholar | Fierce Men’s Advocate
Men, have you had numerous conversations with people from all over the world, with a multitude of backgrounds, careers, interests, purposes etc.?
I certainly have, and the most common theme from those conversations, is the desire to take stock in one’s life and become a bit more introspective (which isn’t always easy for us guys to do).
Fellas, does this desire seem ever more relevant in 2020, where so many have labeled this year a lost year?
Guys, here is something to consider, ironically, the more we look into the proverbial mirror and take stock of our lives the image reflected back upon us is a less than “clear” representation of the person standing in front of that mirror. Perhaps this occurs because the image we as men and others in our lives create and others in our lives create is peering into the proverbial mirror is already distorted from our already and always present ‘decided’ upon filters that we use to navigate the world.
Fellas, perhaps, like some of you out there, my experiences have allowed me to discover parts of my characteristics of myself that I was once certain were really me, were in actuality built upon quicksand.
Built upon one in-authenticity on top of another, on one false start on top of another. At worst, do I choose to abandon those characteristics, at best, do I choose to clean up any mess those falsehoods have created with other people, complete them, and ultimately discard them? In this way I can choose to let go of my “stuff” which keeps me in the way of my own life.
Once, I let go of the “stuff” which keeps me in the way of my own life, once I get out of the way of my own life, something shows up bright, open, awake, and simply lovely. I'm truly here, just as I was before, but now only more so.
Guys looking into the proverbial mirror from this context has allowed me to explore and distinguish clearly what shows up once I am no longer in the way of my own life.
Over the years I have asked myself several questions: How do I language it? Can it be languaged? Could it be pure context, ineffable, beyond language?
Gentlemen, I would like to offer the following experience of mine, which you might find of value. What is present when who I have always and subsequently erroneously considered myself to be, gets out of the way? Clear experience. But the individual I call I who shows up in my experience of me, isn't the presencing I'm referring to. Suppose “I”, is not me. It's simply a created distortion that shows up for me.
Consider being open to the possibility of being with this thing called “I” so you are moved to tears by it. I have discovered that you cannot master life until you master “I”.
More than a mere answer to the question Who am I?, who I am for myself is an experience, an experience prior to all questions, prior to all answers.
Who I am for myself is an experience without which neither questioning nor answering are possible? Guys, there is a sense of joy with simply just being with what's there, and simply being with what’s there allows for you to get a clear non-distorted reflection in the proverbial mirror.
Thank you, Brian Sommer for again being a Contributing Author for the Relationships Matter Monday posts for Men. We greatly appreciate you sharing your own #crisistocourage4men story regarding the journey well-traveled to arrive at looking curiously into your own “proverbial mirror” for asking the critical question: “who is I?”
Thank you for reading.
Your thoughts are very appreciated.
Author's Bio
Karen Bontrager helps 16-24-year-old men, and fellas, 25+ stuck there due to complex trauma, make permanent shifts in their behavior from merely surviving in life to thriving through transparent coaching/counseling in one-on-one conversations and in group work, and through topic sensitive trauma-informed workshops in a program called, “From Crisis to Courage.” With this ontological approach, I partner with my clients to discover their essence, (aka highest and best self) by powerfully reflecting and listening to them. My clients quickly learn how to generate self-awareness and to voice their own relationship needs in a clear, constructive way by learning key coaching techniques/evidenced based counseling approaches/tools to work past their traumatic events and addictions to move forward. The clients are then equipped to develop healthy relationships with key relationships: parents/siblings/friends, and with intimate dating partners because they have learned how to proactively use their voice.
She does a weekly Relationships Matter Monday LI article/poem/commentary for 16-24-year-old men and fellas, 25+, stuck there due to trauma, is a frequent contributor here, and has a bi-monthly podcast called Crisis to Courage to give gentlemen an honorable platform for learning how to use their voices in a way which gets respected, instead of turning to the old standbys: anger, isolation, and numbing behavior, so they can be the men they were made, formed, and created to be.
Crisis to Courage Podcast for Men Links below:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/1130105/listings
https://open.spotify.com/show/0hBtQMFu6eOoHAJBZVRgiQ
https://podcasts.google.com/?feed=aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5idXp6c3Byb3V0LmNvbS8xMTMwMTA1LnJzcw==
https://podcastaddict.com/podcast/3017583
https://www.podchaser.com/podcasts/crisis-to-courage-podcast-a-pl-1258925
https://www.deezer.com/us/show/1372142
https://www.listennotes.com/podcasts/crisis-to-courage-podcast-a-platform-for-udrRN3OmV9o/
Are you a man, 16-24, or more mature, 25+ which feels stuck mentally, and is not able to move forward due to a traumatic past, which shows up as anger, isolation, or various numbing behaviors, and needs support? Or, do you feel something gets in the way emotionally from you loving self, others, or having the life of your dreams, but are not sure what? Please DM me on Linked In for an opportunity to talk.
Operations Leadership | Internet Marketing | Ontological Coach
3 年Love your way with words Brian Sommer ?? good stuff bro!! Thank you Karen Bontrager as usual!! Keep the awakening going
Full-Service Environmental Needs - Waste Disposal & Remediation | Emerg Resp Contractor: TCEQ TxDOT ChemNet ChemTrec
3 年"Once, I let go of the “stuff” which keeps me in the way of my own life, once I get out of the way of my own life, something shows up bright, open, awake, and simply lovely. I'm truly here, just as I was before, but now only more so." It's like a metamorphosis, a great article. Karen Bontrager
I tackle Burnout at the Root with proven methods to 2x your time, and maximize productivity | Certified Counselor | Public Speaker | Podcast Host | Sub to my newsletter in my featured section ??
3 年Powerful topic my friend. Solid collaboration with you and Brian. I'm still chewing on this. You know I'm a thinker so I like to curd through what I read...what a way to build real community through Vulnerability. Thanks for sharing Karen Bontrager
Helping people by finding overlooked details.
3 年A challenging topic, Brian & Karen. More so for some, than others. Accurate self-inspection or introspection can be difficult because our view is clouded by who we think we should be, or by pride, because we don't want to admit who we really are. For me, accurate introspection has to take place over a period of time and life events. I may think that I have an accurate view and then a life event happens and I realize my view was inaccurate. We deal with the expectations of others - which may be ok or may not. - Expectations from others that are virtues (like honesty, trustworthiness, etc.) are good. We find expectations like these in the Bible. - Expectations from others like: "Your father was a doctor, you should be a doctor" or "You're too smart to waste your life being a cabinet maker, you should be an engineer" or "artists can never make a good living, you need to get a dependable career first" are the types of things where we may be trying to fulfill others' expectations and not being authentic to ourselves - not being who we were designed to be. We can be feeling so overwhelmed by the discord caused by this un-authentic life we are living, that we react with anger, resentment & addictions. We need to self-examine.
Bold, Daring, Brave. I made ALL the mistakes. Learn from me. #GangstaMentor
3 年Authenticity “Just be who you are and speak from your guts and heart – it’s all a man has.” – Hubert Humphrey I was just asked, "Have you ever met people who say one thing and then do something else?" My reply: Yes, several times.....most specially in social media. Authenticity refers to being honest in all things – not just what you say and do, but who you are. When you’re authentic, your words and actions align with who you claim to be. Your followers shouldn’t be compelled to spend time trying to figure out if you have ulterior motives. Any time they spend doing so erodes their confidence in you and in their ability to execute. Leaders who are authentic are transparent and forthcoming. They aren’t perfect, but they earn people’s respect by walking their talk. #riseabove #makeadifferenceeveryday #gangstamentor