Minimize your emotional baggage

Source: Life skills to master for a more comfortable life ‘New-Age’ and ‘Old-Age’ life skills for the savvy young professional.

Dear daughters, I’m on my knees begging you to forgive me. I know that I, in some way, have helped create some emotional baggage that you are currently dealing with. But let me assure you, no matter what I have done as a father, you would still be having to process baggage. Unfortunately, that’s a fact of life. Your upbringing was different. You were made to be independent, some would say, at too early an age. But I look at you with great pride in seeing two ‘kick-ass’ ladies who are going to make their legacy in the world.

I invested nearly 100 hours in dealing with my emotional baggage, and I do not regret one hour. It’s not to say that I’m still not carrying some, but I can assure you the box is lighter, and occasionally, when I remember, I unload further unnecessary items.

Inherited baggage

We inherit baggage from our ancestry, along with many great things. This baggage is added to by our parents, with too much smothering, too little attention, too much criticism, too little quality time, abandonment, etc. You will always be running with a cylinder or two misfiring unless you fully understand your behavior patterns and their impact on those around you.

We have a choice: to grow and challenge those behavior traits that will create havoc in the workplace or to ignore them and seek new jobs like we do new partners, hooked on the romance period and leaving when the going gets tough. To make a major contribution, you will need to achieve through the contribution of others. This means acquiring a new set of behavioral skills more suited to working with and leading others.

My point is that you owe it to your colleagues, staff, suppliers, contractors, family, life partner, and offspring to do something about your emotional baggage.

Approaches that may help

The Enneagram. This is a way of looking at people and their relationships. It distinguishes between nine personality types. The idea is that one of these will fit you, predicting your behavior and likely pitfalls, which you can avoid with some minor modifications. It is best learned by attending a course with your life partner or a friend. I have attended the one-day workshop more than once. Visit the web to get more information, such as www.enneagraminstitute.com, and read ‘Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery’ by Don R Riso & Russ Hudson.

Hermann’s Thinking Preferences. This identifies four different ‘thinking preferences’, with the aim of understanding the ways people think at work so you can communicate more effectively with them. I am talking about your boss, your colleagues, and the staff reporting to you. You will find local trainers who can deliver a great in-house workshop on the topic, which can be a great team-building exercise. See www.hbdi.com.

Intensive life skills course. Many different life-skills courses are available. Ask around and find a course that has made a difference to others. To have the most chance of changing negative patterns of behavior, opt for a personal development course of a relatively long duration. The experts in behavioral change say that it takes around 12 weeks to make a real difference.

My first wife and I went to two life skills courses when we were in our early thirties. I then went to another weekend course called ‘Essentially Men’ where the attendees learned how to have deep, meaningful conversations with another man (rather than talk about sport) and, more importantly, how to hug each other, amongst other valuable tools.

Anger management workshop. If you have anger-management issues, attending a course of at least 12 weeks can resolve these. I should know, as I attended an anger management course myself. This is so important that I have written a separate section on it ‘Why anger lies in our thinking and not in the actions of others.’

Therapy. One-to-one counseling can be very rewarding or a waste of time. Typically, the counseling you get free can be a bit hit or miss. Before you embark on this worthwhile journey, you need to:

? Be aware that a sizeable personal commitment is required – it may take 10-20 sessions over 3 to 6 months to make the progress you want and need.

? Have the savings or a benefactor to ensure you can finish the journey. The costs are high as leading therapists can be as much as US$150 per hour.

? Realize it will unlock events in the past that you may have chosen to block out. You may feel worse before you feel better.

? Chose the right therapy for you – there are over 100 different therapies listed on www.goodtherapy.org, so you need to invest time to be certain you have chosen the right therapy for you

? Use all the contacts you have to source a therapist who comes with impeccable qualifications and reputation.

The good news is that you can use a skilled therapist based in another country to take you on this journey.

Some common therapies

Counseling has advanced in the last few years so it is important that you understand the different types and and select carefully.

? Cognitive-behavioral therapy: A therapist uses CBT to explore the relationship between a person’s behavior and thoughts, feelings, or both. Claimed to be useful for anxiety disorders, depression, eating disorders, trauma-related disorders

? Dialectical behavior therapy: DBT focuses more on regulating emotions, being mindful, and accepting uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Claimed to be helpful for post-traumatic stress disorder, substance use disorders, mood disorders

? Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy: EMDR involves a person recalling a traumatic event while performing specific eye movements. EMDR aims to replace adverse reactions to painful memories with less charged or positive responses.

? Exposure therapy: A therapist uses exposure therapy to figure out what triggers their anxiety. The person will learn methods to avoid ritualistic behaviors or anxiety after exposure to these triggers.

? Family systems therapy: is based on Murray Bowen’s family systems theory, which holds that individuals are inseparable from their network of relationships. This therapy does not require the involvement of other family members in the treatment.

? Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). NLP can be applied to your leadership skills, your hobbies and your relationships at home. By using your five senses, you create visions of achievement you have yet to attain. You smell, see, feel, hear, and touch – all in your mind – what you want to achieve. Your subconscious will set about closing the gap between where you are now and this future reality. I have attended three sessions to remove a negative thought pattern. Search ‘NLP courses’ to find a course near you.

? Psychodynamic therapy: This therapy involves a person speaking freely in response to a therapist’s questions, which allows a therapist to identify patterns of behavior and thought. The aim is to help a person combat negative patterns of behavior that derive from past experiences.

Emotional baggage checklist

A checklist is available from PatStormBooks.com

Companion pieces in other sections

Maintaining family bonds

Where is Wally– finding a life partner

You and your mental health

Have a cluster of mentors behind you

Why anger lies in our thinking and not in the actions of others

Comments

After reading this, I actually attended an anger management course that has opened my eyes and gave me moments of honest reflection that highlighted cracks I had personally plastered over.

Dad, after all these courses, your ability to listen has not got very far.