#MindsetHeroes (Interview Series) - Ep. 05: Madeleine Black - Public speaker | Psychotherapist | Author of "Unbroken"

Inspiring through the power of mindset

Life is a roller-coaster. We all have our ups and downs, yet some of us face adversity in a manner others would hardly imagine possible. The #MindsetHeroes is an interview series dedicated to understanding how making use of the power of choice and training our mindsets help in overcoming life's challenges. 

A child who has their childhood altered by the misbehavior of others will never be the same. The child turned into a grownup carries a baggage that is too heavy to hold. In this baggage, they carry guilt, stigma and fear for their lives and/ or of what others would say if the story gets revealed.

It takes a lot of courage and strength to get over a horrible episode that took place years ago.

But IT CAN BE DONE. There are people that have built their mindsets over years, so that life can laugh at them again.

This is also the case on my guest today - a beautiful lady who shares her story to help others realize that the past needs to stay where it belongs and that one is not defined by what happened to them.

***

1. Hi Madeleine, kindly please introduce yourself to the world, in 20 words.

I’m an author, speaker and psychotherapist, living in Glasgow (UK), married for 30 years to Steven and have 3 gorgeous girls.

2. I’ve learned about your story from LinkedIn. How did you find the courage to share it with everybody on this platform? (Especially since people view LinkedIn as a place to drop your cv/resume only.)

LinkedIn is not the only Social Media platform that I use, but it was strongly recommend to me to use it more! So, when I became more active on, it I had already been sharing my story so I don’t really see it as brave. I have had so many people share their stories with me here too (male and female), so I feel its a very appropriate place. 

"It’s not what happens to us that is important, but what we do with it"

So many of the LinkedIn users will personally know about sexual violence or will know someone that has been affected; and, sadly the majority of people will know someone but they haven’t spoken about it yet. I want to encourage people to find their voice and speak out.

3. Please tell us how it all began (in regards to your story). What triggered your condition ?

I was gang raped at thirteen by two American teenagers, which had a huge impact on my life and mental health. Looking back, I can see that I was doing anything I could do to numb out. I used drugs and alcohol, became depressed, attempted suicide and spent 8 weeks in a children’s psych ward, became promiscuous, developed fears and phobias (mainly around being my safety and men), was very rebellious, etc.

4. Can you share with us the hardest moment you went through, while fighting for your mental health?

One of the last things the rapists said to me, as they held a knife against my throat - a knife that they had already used on me - was that if I told anyone then they would kill me. I believed them. Being too scared to speak about my experience, feeling guilty and full of shame was one of my lowest points. I didn’t see the point of being alive, that I was worthless and decided I would be better of dead, which is when I took an overdose.

5. In a situation which can easily bring anyone down, you chose to rise above the odds. What was the spark that made you understand that giving up was not an option? Is there something that made you look at the situation differently?

When I first met my husband at 17, I always told him I would never become a mother as I thought it would be too similar to being raped and I couldn’t put myself through that. However, a few years after we were married, we were away in Thailand and he asked me the question again about starting a family. I was ready to say “No” but something came in and made me change my way of thinking. I decided that if I never became a mother then these two young men will have won. They will still have power and control over me if I let them. 

"Forgiving them has allowed me to let go of all of my anger and brought in peace"

And it was then that I came up with my plan that I call my “Best Revenge” that would be to live my life as best as I could, refusing to be identified by what had happened to me.

6. What kept you going throughout the entire process? What did you find your strength and inspiration in?

Something has always driven me to clean up my trauma and be the best me that I can be. I'm very lucky, as both of my parents are “Super Survivors” and have taught me a lot by how they live their life. My father was a Holocaust survivor and I used to think that if he could get past having his parents and most of his brothers and sisters murdered at Auschwitz, then surely I could get past one night.

7. From all this painful experience, what was the greatest lesson you learned?

I have learnt that it’s not what happens to us that is important , but what we do with it and if we choose to we can get past anything that happens to us in life. We are all far stronger than we think we are.

8. Related to the previous question, what helped you turn the pain into a lesson? Can you give us an example of how you managed to overcome this situation?

When my eldest daughter Anna turned 13, I had a lot of memories return as flashbacks, nightmares and pictures, so I decided to go back to therapy to make them go away! I soon realized that my therapist couldn’t take the memories away,  that in order for me to be ok I would have to face all that was done to me. My way in was my way out. It was during this therapy that he suggested to me that maybe they weren’t born rapists and, at first, I was so angry with him! 

"Being too scared to speak about my experience, feeling guilty and full of shame was one of my lowest points""

I was so full of hate, revenge and  anger and used to fantasize about somebody kidnapping them, beating them up, tyeing them up and raping and torturing them for hours on end just like they had done to me. But he planted a seed in my mind which started to grow and I wanted to understand how they couldn’t have behaved so violently towards another human being.

I saw that, in their dehumanizing of me, they were really dehumanizing themselves and I wondered what had conditioned them. What had they seen, heard or experienced? And somehow, without intention, I felt compassion towards them and felt forgiveness coming in my heart. Forgiving them has allowed me to let go of all of my anger and brought in peace.

9. After time and struggles have passed, you are now in a mission to help others see the bright part of life, to adopt positivity. How did you come to adjust your attitude in such a manner? And how were you able to assist others?

It was my shame that silenced me for years. But I know now that I was NEVER to blame. Sharing my story in 2014 with The Forgiveness Project for the first time publicly has shown me the power that comes from sharing our stories. I went to hear another “story” from TFP and saw the impact she had on her room and somehow the idea of writing my story down in its entirety came to me! 

"It’s never too late to find your voice"

I would see all of my words flying around my mind at night, would sit down the next day at my Mac and within 8 weeks I had written 70,000 words. My memoir, Unbroken, was published in April 2017 and I want to share my story to help end the shame, stigma and silence that surrounds sexual violence, but also to offer hope.

10. What would be the message (as caution/ suggestion) you would like to offer the world, in hopes that others (in a similar situation) may be able to avoid your suffering?

I realized that I’m not my body or the things that were done to it. I would like people to know that it’s never too late to find your voice, share your story and get some support. 

***

You can follow/ contact/ find out more about my guest by using the below channels:

LinkedIn Profile Page

Website: www.madeleineblack.co.uk

Facebook: www.facebook.com/madeleineblackunbroken

Instagram: www.instagram.com/madblack65

Twitter: www.twitter.com/madblack65

YouTube: Madeleine Black

Amazon: Unbroken, by Madeleine Black

Email: [email protected]

If her story sent you a powerful message, feel free to connect with Madeleine, read her book and call her to speak at your events! It's all about the people. And Madeleine EMPOWERS them!

*The photos used in this article were provided by the rightful owner, with clear consent. Using them without prior agreement, may become subject of the copyright law. All rights reserved to Madeleine Black*