Mindset for Mind Upset

Today, let's talk about mindsets for minds upset. When we're upset, it's very often caused by a conflict, and most of these conflicts stem from relationships. Maybe we've been hurt. Hurt is a very powerful emotion. It can cause anger, sadness... All these emotions, as we are experiencing them in our prefrontal cortex, are keeping us from being resourceful, from being at our best.

I'd like to share three strategies that will help you get rid of the upsetting part of whatever event happened. If you are, in a sense, a prisoner of a situation you keep reliving, this will help you get out of the endless emotional loop.

1. The Truth Does Not Need to Be Defended

The first thing you can ask yourself is: "What is the truth? What am I trying to defend? Does it really matter?" The key here is this: the truth does not need to be defended. See, let's say you're eating a broccoli soup and it's obvious, the soup is green. Somebody walks over to you and asks how your cauliflower soup tastes. Of course, you answer: "It's broccoli, it's not cauliflower." The other person retorts: "Well, that's what I said, cauliflower." Then, it's back and forth: "No, you said broccoli." "I'm pretty sure I said cauliflower…"

Here it is. There's a conflict that has started because we think that the broccoli soup minds being called cauliflower soup. It does not matter! The soup doesn't care! Of course, this is a very basic example. However, in real life situations, are there really things that really, really matter? Is the truth always that important?

2. Lead from the Purpose

Sometimes, yes, it does matter, but we need to go beyond what we're trying to defend and go all the way up to the purpose of it. What is the ultimate purpose here, and can it be reached even if you cannot get along with the person that you're working with or with your family member? Let's say the broccoli soup is your teenage daughter that comes to you and says: "I think I'm going to start using drugs." Of course, in this case, the truth needs to be defended, but what is the ultimate purpose here? The ultimate purpose is the relationship you have with your daughter.

Another example: If your coworker comes to you and says: "I'm totally against this plan that you're trying to implement. This is not a project that works and we think we're going to go a different way." Your idea was great. Or maybe you are the leader and you need to get your team to buy into this new idea or this new system. Once again, of course the truth needs to be defended. However, that's not the real goal. The real goal is for everybody to work together. The real goal is to sell this idea to your daughter that it's not a good idea. It's the relationship that you will have with your daughter so that she actually wants to listen to what you have to say, or it's the relationship you have with your team so that they will listen to this new system you're proposing or this new project. The ultimate purpose needs to be considered. Lead from it.

3. Listen

The third and last key is you need to listen. Listen to what the other person has to say. Listening doesn't just mean cutting corners and saying: "Okay, I listened to what you had to say, but this is a really bad idea and we're not going to do that. Here's what we're going to do instead." Sometimes, listening means giving people the benefit of the doubt and understanding why they're saying this.

It even means that maybe you're going to waste a month or two going towards their idea so that they figure out that, no, it was not a good idea in the end. Sometimes, you need some time to make them see that for themselves. Yes, the endgame may get delayed a little bit, but it doesn't matter, because the ultimate goal is to get them on board, and unless you listen to what they have to say, it won't happen.

If you tell your daughter: "Talk to me. What is this about? This new thing that you want to try?" and you try to listen, then your daughter will think: "Oh my gosh, my mom really gets me. My dad really listens. Maybe I should ask what they think about it." Because after a few months of listening to what they have to say, they will start turning towards you for advice. Until that happens, they will not want to hear anything that you have to say if you haven't listened to them first. So then, and only then, you will be able to convince them that using drugs is not a good idea. You have to build the relationship first with listening to them.

I hope these three strategies have sparked your interest. Keep them in your back pocket as tools for the next time you feel upset about something. Next week, I will give you a really cool listening technique that works all the time. It's a long term technique, and you will be amazed at how you can implement that in your personal and professional life... Stay tuned!