Mindset for Mediation
I’ve been asked how to help people get into a constructive mindset for mediation.
I can’t tell you how many participants go into a mediation session with the sole intent of telling the other party exactly what they think of them. Some even rehearse the abusive and venomous language they plan to use in order to blame and hurt the other party. Let me make it simple and clear: No meditator will allow either of the parties to inflect harm with abusive language. That won’t happen. The mediator will either call for a recess or terminate the mediation altogether.
I tell people learning mediation to imagine asking each disputant in private who they think is in the “right” and who is “wrong.” Of course, you can imagine that both disputants are firmly convinced they are the ones in the “right”
People who do Small Claims Court mediation will tell you that there are some people who refuse the option because they absolutely are certain that when they present their side to the judge, they will of course agree with them and they will prevail. And these people are absolutely, totally convinced they are correct about this. Small Claims Court mediators will also tell you that those same people are usually shocked to discover that their judge is more likely to see both sides of the dispute. And they usually leave the court quite disappointed that the judge couldn’t see what they considered to be the obvious point of view.
Coming into a mediation the parties must accept the fact that their adversary has reason to believe they are also “right.” The mediator is not there to decide who is “right” and who is “wrong.” Nor are the parties in mediation there to persuade their adversary that they are “wrong.” Who is right and who is wrong doesn’t really matter in mediation because, in one sense, they are both right. Going into mediation with the mindset that an openness to understanding your adversary’s position will ensure a much smoother and realistic outcome for all.