Mindfulness In Grief

In recent months.. even more so amongst men, expressing grief in a healthy way has been so much more out there in the open. You just have to remember back to Martin Lewis (The Money Man from GMB) explaining his difficulty expressing his grief ....ironically expressing fully on Good Morning Britain! With organisations such as GriefEncounter and a recent podcast I seen on twitter 'The Griefcast'.....more and more men and women in general are expressing and sharing their feelings of grief.

Ok, so you are thinking......what would this lady know about grief...well let me tell you something I know more than you think!

I have never labelled myself as a 'Victim' as I never wanted people treating me differently or judging. People assume you are weak although its quite the opposite.... the strength from within automatically kicks into gear. I'm making grief sound 'easy' and no it's definitely not. What I mean is...'the flight or fight response' initiates...i'm not saying straight away although with some, it's the only way they can deal with the grief to keep their day to day lives as routine as possible.

From the age of 11, I had my first experience of death and grief... my lovely nanna. I was incredibly close to my Nanna, seeing her on a daily basis, having weekend sleepovers with her etc. She shared my great passion...the love of the ballet! We booked tickets to see 'Giselle', I had not seen this ballet before ( and strangely enough not seen it till this day!!) compared with Swan Lake, The Nutcracker, Sleeping Beauty I had seen on so many occasions. We were just about to take our seats, my Nanna a few steps ahead of us and we looked up to not see her in view anymore. We found her inbetween the seats, lying on the floor looking like she was sleeping peacefully. She had had an instant heart attack and died peacefully. Although totally heartbroken at the age of 11, there was something about the way she died that gave me some relief.... the fact that she didn't suffer. I can't say the same for what I was to experience when I was 15.

Just 4 days before Christmas of 1994, my life had changed forever....I lost someone so amazing, someone I looked up to, my role model...my everything! He was such a spiritual loving person so caring of others, the thought that he suffered like he did, still breaks my heart till this day! It was my brother's 24 birthday on the 20th December, we had a lovely birthday meal with him at home, he was so happy to be spending it with us. Little did I know, it would be the last time I would see his lovely face!

At 4pm the next day, still not known to my Mother or myself until 8pm that my Brother had been tragically killed. A motorbike policeman who cradled my dying brother in his arms, had to relay that horrendous chilling information that he had been stabbed at 4pm by a vagrant man whilst he was about to cross the road to meet his girlfriend for Christmas shopping. Being told that news is like all of a sudden, you have gone deaf! You can lip-read and know what he was saying yet you just couldnt hear them....like your ears were protecting you from the information. I locked myself in the bathroom and just hit my hands on the wall until my knuckles bled and just dropped to the floor lifeless. We had seen him the day before, what we were hearing we just couldn't believe...was it a case of mistaken identity and it wasnt Stephen? Just a day later....we were in the hospital my mum and I identifying him. Something inside me just wanted to hold my brother and protect him, I fled towards him as I wanted to pull the sheet away from him to believe it was true...that he had been stabbed. I thought he would wake up and hug me. What I saw before me was somewhat different to my Nanna, it has scarred my mind since the day I saw him...you never forget seeing a body like that especially when it's your lovely Brother who wouldnt hurt a soul.

In the aftermath, we had no professional support only trainee councillors nor, did we get the justice deserved for Stephen. We were told the man was a vagrant to then learn, this man had a long history of mental health and serious offences. He was a 'paranoid schizophrenic with paranoid delusions' a ticking time bomb that headed straight for my brother. This information was not in the public knowledge nor did we get a public apology for the negligence of this man's mental health care...the fact that he had been under mental health care and was released.

Since then, I have had to get on with life as best I could, do the usual things expected of us...finish education, get a career etc...I found this extremely difficult and kept a lot within feeling like no one could actually relate to me. It's only of recent years, where I can acknowledge the depth of what I had been through, the strength that came from within. Many times I have been at my lowest....and I still get those feelings from time to time especially as my relationship with my mum had become 'estranged'. It's been a long long journey, many times being at a cross-roads, or feeling like i've reached a dead end. Feeling like you are detached from the world and no one understands you, feeling vulnerable for 'attackers'. I've managed those dark feelings from turning it on the flip side saying to myself 'I will not give up', 'If I fail..I will get back up! ' If I feel stupid for trying, then at least I have tried!' I wanted to make my brother proud of me, it was a time I could go the wrong road or go the road I was destined to go down...one of survival, one of a future no matter how hard its been with many different feelings of heartache along the way. My brother's life ended at 24, I had to make mine happen for him! I now have two beautiful children, my little boy I named 'Stephen' just after my brother. After a long journey finding myself and my future, Ive found fantastic people to work with after also what has been a long struggle in the film business and now have a book to movie project on its way.

Since learning about mindfulness, it's really help me cope and to manage my feelings when ive been feeling low. If I knew more about Mindfulness and the professional organisations such as MindUp Uk etc this would have helped me all those years ago!

The main important thing, is to not lock your feelings inside, to share with a friend, a colleague, another family member. Talk healthily about the person youve lost, express the most despairing feelings to the symbolic memories you have of that person. If you feel like it's all too much to bear and that your world has gone so dark like mine did, reach out to a professional. There are a lot more professionals out there for support and organisations such as Grief Encounter and other grief sites that have the ears to listen and the support to give. The mind is a powerful tool which can sometimes feel like its took charge of your whole body, these feelings are immense and almost like you have 'locked in syndrome' with your feelings.

If you are struggling, please share your grief and explore mindfulness in grief further which can help you manage your day to day routine starting with the most simple things like feeding yourself, getting dressed each day to simple chores that you have to do.

I'm not a therapist, i'm not trained in psychology, however I lived the experience unfortunately and i'm a survivor! I hope this article, which I apologise for being long creates at least one survivor. By reading this article, if you are struggling... I hope that this will help change your mindset. It won't happen overnight however if the words have left an imprint in your mind, I know I have helped in some way!

My heart is with whoever is suffering right now, please speak out!

xx