Mindfulness dares to ask, “How am I?”

Thank you to everyone who subscribed to this newsletter and read the introductory piece! For the next few “issues”, I’d like to dive into the most critical part of mindfulness: going into “me”, “I”, and the Self. Really, it would be very difficult to even talk about mindful leadership if we cannot first be mindful of and toward ourselves.

And today, we will begin by daring to ask ourselves, “How am I?”

It’s a daring question because it’s a question that we’d rather not face. This question is packed with so many layers, and can be interpreted and answered in so many ways, so we just avoid it completely or we treat it like a “Hi” or “Hello.” When asked, we give “templated” answers, like, “I’m fine”, “I’m crazy busy”, or, “Could be better, but I’m not complaining.”

Today, we will give ourselves permission to ask and answer that question, and we’ll start with a little check-in.

At this point, I invite you to find a comfortable seat as you’re reading this, read the following parts slowly, and take as much time as you need with the next steps.

Take a deep cleansing breath, inhaling deeply through the nose. If you practice yoga or meditation, try going into the Ujjayi breath.

Then exhale deeply (and loudly) through the mouth, as if you were breathing out the stress and tension of the day.

One more time: deep inhale through the nose, pause for a second, then deep exhale through the mouth (with sound), then pause.

Repeat one more time.

Good.

If you can continue to slow down and breathe deep, even breaths as you’re reading this, that would be wonderful.

Now, to answer the question, “How am I?” just take a step back from your day, zoom out for a bit from where you are, and just take a quick body scan. You may also feel your breath through your belly and your chest as you're asking yourself these questions.

Are you tired, sleepy, or hungry? (These are feelings we often block out especially when we’re “too busy.”)

Is there any part of the body that’s feeling tight and tense?

Is there pain in any part of your body? Or any part that feels "off"?

Is there any emotion or sensation that you’ve pushed under the rug lately for one reason or another? Anxiety, frustration, worry, sadness, boredom? Or maybe quite the opposite: excitement, joy, kilig (Filipinos will know what this means), pride, elation, and so on?

There was once a time when it was so difficult for me to even know how I was feeling, and a good friend showed me this “Feelings Wheel”.

Photo credit: The Chalk Board . Check the link to learn more.

I was surprised then, because when I searched for the right words to describe how I was feeling at the time, the words that stood out were “Empty” and “Inferior”, which were words associated with “Depressed.” It was shocking to me then–and there was judgment on my end, I admit–because I never would have associated myself or my feelings with being depressed. I was raised to always “be positive” and “always look on the bright side of things”*, and it was difficult for me then to come to terms with the fact that I did feel empty and inferior. I did feel depressed.

Knowing that, however, became powerful for me. It helped me better understand what I was going through, and it also pushed me to have conversations with my then-team and my then-boss, because I knew that the depression was work-related.

I took a sick day to just rest.

I sought help from my teammates and learned, bit by bit, to delegate better.??

I forced myself to have a difficult conversation with my boss.?

“I’m like a house burnt and razed to the ground. I’m all ashes. I have nothing left to give you,” I had said in an email to him--when I finally summoned the courage to bring it up.

It was difficult to admit and articulate, but I’m glad I did, and I’m glad he took it well, because it sparked more conversations and some leadership challenges for me, that eventually led to more personal growth and even some concrete changes in the organization. We’ll get to those other topics soon enough, but what was important then was that I actually checked in with myself and was brutally honest about how I really was.

So for now, for this block of time that you've carved out to read this, what’s important is to check in on yourself and know how you are.?

How are you?

There are no wrong answers, so please do not judge yourself. For the next few moments, just be aware of what is going on inside you. Acknowledge and honor the existence of whatever is there, know that everything you feel now is temporary, and use that knowledge as a prompt for further reflection and action.

I’ll soon be sharing more resources that you can check for more coaching and support, if you need it, but for now, just try to sit in stillness with yourself. You need this brief moment of pause–even just for one more minute, just 60 more seconds. All will be well.

"How are you?" is one of the toughest questions to ask and answer, if we are to do it honestly. But it's the first crucial step to mindfulness, and it will make a world of difference for you and others around you.

Thank you for holding space for yourself today.

*Let’s save toxic positivity for another issue of this newsletter!