Mind at Peace... or Pieces?

There seems to be an eerie level of calmness that I am going through, and while it should be something which I should be happy about, I can feel myself getting edgy with it instead. It’s just made me so curious about my innate nature. What is there in this calmness and comfort which is discomforting me? 

I have spent a good part of this last few months since lockdown being creative. From Cooking wherein I’ve been whipping up some delicacies for lunch and dinner for my family to Painting wherein I’ve rekindled my passion to paint abstract acrylic or intricate pen drawings. While a part of me is excited, extremely satisfied and infact happy about these additions to my life; there is a part which is questioning and trying to rationalise this. And to top this, I seem to be looking for justifications to understand my happiness and calmness. Heights of absurdness!

I have a 7-year-old and he is so happy with this lockdown as he doesn’t have school, can see television when he wants and sleep late. And comparing my absurdness to question my happiness, it just made me think- as we grow older, do we forget to live in the moment? Why do we necessarily question the moment and look for reasons behind it. Why are we looking at tagging everything?

These questions have been haunting me. It’s making me question if this silence I’m facing- is that the silence before a storm; or is it a silence after the storm has passed? But then I go back to thinking that this just may be a defence mechanism for myself to justify something which is different from usual. Am I projecting what the world wants me to? I have friends and family who are worried or distressed or even going through severe mood swings. And in its own way my mind is trying to project to me, if they are reacting in that way, how can you be calm? How can you be satisfied with this state in your life? How will you manage financially?

But this time I’m consciously choosing to keep all that white noise away and focus on now as I feel enjoying life seems to be more of an internal decision than a response to the environment. To reiterate a saying I just read “To stay happy in life you just need to open your eyes and have to see this beautiful world… it has always been right in front of you”