Mind or act, what comes first?

The more I coach, the more I wonder: Mind or act, what comes first? Some people say you can only change people’s behavior by changing their minds, while some say you can change people’s minds by changing their behavior. For me, the core purpose of coaching is to help people understand, deal with, and achieve the change and transformation they desire. So how can we approach the mind and action question? I would like to discuss here what I think, and I hope that by sharing, it brings some clarity to you.

The book “The Immunity to Change” shares with us three states of the mind.

1. The social mind lets us align with other people and follow.
2. Self-authoring mind enables us to set our own goals and achieve them.
3. Self-transforming mind gives us a reflective mindset and multi-framework to learn.

70 to 80 percent of people are in the social and self-authoring mind, as we set up our value systems with experiences we have had over the years during work and life. As the saying goes, the biggest thing that stops us is the US. I like the metaphor the book is using, one foot on the peddle and one foot on the break. Most of us know what to do, but there is an inner safety break that also stops us from doing it. That’s called the “big assumption”.

As a coach, I think it is very important for us to find this “big assumption” together with the client. I remember there was one case where the client in session mentioned her struggle with time management. She seemed to have tried every method on the internet: “time blocking” “to-do list” “efficiency tools” etc, but it did not work. Rather than discussing what might be working for her, I started to check on the things she was doing, instead of what she thought she should do. It turned out she enjoyed and valued her social life the most. She wanted to be part of friends and family, which made her who she was. So it wasn’t about efficiency, but knowing how to manage who she needs to be and at the same time getting things done. One foot on the peddle and one foot on the break. Unless you realize what the mind tries to tell you, the behavioral changes are so difficult.

The big assumption for her was “If I am more efficient, I will lose the time on to spend with family and friends.”

But even after realizing it, it’s not easy to change. People’s values and minds exist for a reason and a strong reason makes you who you are and who you want to be. Here the behavior change is not about changing the identity, but incorporating this new value into the identity, a transforming mind. The Growth Mindset theory also shares the same thought. We are who we are, but the concept of who we are is also evolving. Take the example I mentioned before, the evolving client would be the one still enjoying spending time with family and friends, and at the same time also having an efficient work style. If she can design the behavior that fits into this idea and test its validity, there will be a higher chance for the client to succeed in the journey.

To summarize, before any change is introduced, examine the mind first. But design the action around the mind that would test the assumption. DO and REFLECT on it.

Author - Michelle Gao