A Million Little SHOULDS

In one of my first posts I talked about my newfound love for the show "A Million Little Things." I am still a huge fan. If you haven't watched, it's one I highly recommend. I just love the way this show captures the rawness of life and relationships but also shows the power in friendship - unity in community.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about expectations again. The expectations we perceive others have of us, the expectations others actually do have of us, the expectations we put upon ourselves, and these certain expectations that we somehow build as a society.

Watching the latest episode of "A Million Little Things" inspired this post when Katherine, in response to getting upset said "It's all the shoulds...I've been playing that game my entire life...I swear I want to tear that word out of the dictionary."

The SHOULDS start for a human before they ever even leave the womb, unknown to us at the time. Then that first year - all of the developmental milestones children SHOULD achieve by a certain point. The SHOULDS seem to just build as we get older and for me personally the SHOULDS almost shattered me.

What you SHOULD eat, how you SHOULD look, what you SHOULD feel, how you SHOULD act, what you SHOULD want, how you SHOULD define success. The list can go on and on.

I built up a narrative in my own head that I SHOULD fit this mold of what "society" sees as "normal" and I SHOULD feel shame, guilt, maybe even less-than if I didn't meet the expectations that I perceived others had of me, those they actually did have of me, the expectations I put on myself or those I felt I needed to live up to in order to fit in.

At the end of day, we all really just want to feel loved and accepted for being the most authentic version of ourselves - the good, the bad, and the ugly. For me, I built up such a narrative in my head of how I thought I SHOULD be, that at some point I forgot who I actually was. It is these subconscious SHOULDS, these underlying expectations that were not necessarily pushed upon me but just expectations that I felt for some reason, that instilled a sense of fear, shame, anger and resentment when I didn't "fit." In fear of being judged, I became someone I wasn't. I shut down. I isolated. I lost who I was.

I SHOULD have done what my heart was telling me was best for me instead of listening to all the SHOULD haves, SHOULD dos and even do nots. I let them get in my head and felt embarrassed, ashamed, not enough if I didn't want to, or couldn't live up to all the SHOULDS. This made me feel empty and resentful, and I moved into the COULD mindset. I COULD do whatever I wanted. And let me tell you, that is a very dangerous place for me to be.

It is that triangle of self-obsession again. The center of our insanity. The resentment, anger and fear that the SHOULDS seem to trigger within me.

And you see, what too often happens is that the SHOULDS, the concept that we SHOULD be a certain way and if we are anything less or different that we are unworthy, well that perceived shame and disappointment often silences us and shuts us down, builds resentments. That fear of actually sharing that we don't fit the mold, or that we need help, or that we screwed up, and having the confidence that we can do so without judgement and find the love and support we need.

Well what we SHOULD really be doing is SHIFTING the SHOULDS...

We should recognize when not understanding or being too self-centered becomes ignorance. We SHOULD take the cotton out of our ears and put it in our mouths. We SHOULD listen to understand, not judge. We SHOULD build up, not tear down. We SHOULD stop shaming and stop the stigmas that perpetuate fear of judgement in sharing. We SHOULD lead with love and compassion and remember that there is always UNITY in COMMUNITY. Together we SHOULD focus on being open, honest and trusting with ourselves and one another.

Maybe we don't actually need to tear the word SHOULD out of the dictionary, maybe we SHOULD shift the focus of our SHOULDS to instill a sense of hope and community instead of fear and shame. For me, it took a lot of courage and strength to let go of how everyone thought I SHOULD heal and live my life, and just have faith and leave it to God to guide me on the path of healing I need...one day at a time.