The Millennial Recession is Coming

By: Fiorenzo Arcadi & Michael Ambrowics

     I was in a meeting recently with two millennials casually texting away the whole time. They were so self-absorbed with themselves and smiling every time their phone vibrated. Unfortunately my nerves had got the best of me that day with these young whipper-snappers. I pointed my finger at them and said, “What do you think is going to happen when the recession hits? As you know, central banks are tightening rates, loans are getting more expensive, and here you are texting away and wasting my time.”

         They looked at me stunned as though I questioned their divine right to text freely upon this Earth. The millennials tried to defend themselves, “We were listening to everything you said.” I shot back, “Listen, when the recession hits you’ll be absolutely clueless as to how to survive. You’ll be eating franks and beans hoping to get a job so you can order your Uber Eats again and again.” I explained how an economic malaise would significantly shift the direction of their “planned out” lives of posting their meals on Instagram while comfortably sitting on a six-figure salary. I looked closely at them, “I hate to break your bubble boys, but we haven’t seen a recession in a long time and it’s simply something you guys aren’t familiar with as you haven’t experienced it.”

         More than half of millennials think they’re going to be millionaires by posting pictures of themselves and connecting to other people to share their content. However, that content is simply based on a selfie of how one looks. In the end no one really cares, and everyone posts the same thing anyways. When the recession hits all risky investments will vanish in the blink of an eye. Electric vehicles, electronic wearables, autonomous vehicles, they’ll all fall too.

         I could see I had their attention, “When you get your pink slips you’ll find out quickly how rich your friends truly are after they default on their monthly payments for cars, houses, porn subscriptions, and Netflix. It’s not your fault, Generation X and your Baby Boomer parents have misguided you. A recession hasn’t hit for a decade now and your parents have lacked maturity by failing to teach you how you can equip yourself to come out of this in an ambulance instead of a body-bag.”

         Empirical data has shown that employees that graduated in jolly times and entered the workforce in those times made significantly more in earnings than their counterparts who graduated and entered the workforce during a recession.

“Boys, when a recession hits this is what you’re going to go through: emotional distress, arguments with your spouse, weight fluctuations, feelings of self doubt and worthlessness, and diminished self-esteem and confidence. You’re going to question what you did wrong and then gravitate right back towards Facebook to join all your miserable friends. Your friends are going to lie straight to your face by continually posting delusional photos that make it look like they’re happy," I told them.

What’s particularly troublesome is the rapid rise in student debt. This coupled with desired expensive sports cars, smart appliances, pricey recreational vehicles, and lavish dining lifestyles will quickly spell trouble for any future credit hopes of millennials. The solution? There is none. Once millennials start reigning in their expenditures and become more modest and frugal, the recession will only deepen. The butt-kissing days will come to an end because everyone will be doing this to get their nickels and dimes.

“Now listen,” I exclaimed. “All you guys have done these last few years is press computer keyboards and look at screens. The recession will quickly end that and your soft moisturized hands will be covered with blisters as manual labor takes the helm of employment opportunities. Once you lose your job it will be almost impossible to get a loan. You’ll be at the front door of your parents’ house before you know it. A recession is going to dramatically change your goals and your perception of how the world works because whenever you have peak earnings, you will have a corresponding spiraling downturn effect that wipes out any gains you’ve ever made. Even Warren Buffett may one day lose all of his money for investing in tech companies such as Apple. Do people really believe Apple is destined to continually rise for the rest of its corporate life?”

I had their full attention now, they actually put their phones down, an image I truly believed was impossible for these lads, but then as fate has it, I heard a buzz followed by a quick text from one the boys. After he finished texting I looked him straight in the eye, “You just don’t get it.” They looked at me obliviously, “Is the meeting over sir?”