A ?? might be disguising a ??

This is a picture of me, out with friends and industry colleagues on a business trip in London. Take a look and what do you see?

I know what I see - a happy smile disguising a depressed and worn-down man in his early forties, yearning for success and crying out for help in his own silent and ‘professional’ way.

I had moved with the family to a new jurisdiction a few years earlier, and after the initial honeymoon period it became evident that the move wasn’t fulfilling my career and financial aspirations. I felt like I was going round in circles, discontent and frustrated, and often feeling marginalised and missing the recognition I had grown to expect when working with industry peers and a familiar network in London. Recognition feeds confidence, positivity, drive and progression, and it felt alien to be an outsider trying to prove my worth and value, especially in an environment that is known to be very ‘cliquey’.

I knew I wasn’t happy and although I didn’t display any signs with work or friends, I did show it to my immediate family. My wife and children could see and feel my misery on a daily basis. I’d be known as Mr Moody…short fuse and taking out my frustrations with those I deeply loved. I found it hard to talk about the reasons why I felt so unhappy, as I often felt it to be an admission of failure. Failure to provide the life I thought my family wanted, failure to buy them the things I saw others buy for their wife and children, failure to go on the lavish holidays I saw others have, and failure to build the wealth I so desperately wanted.

I became blind to the fact that the only wish my family had was to be happy together. I became blind to what mattered - wealth is health and happiness, not materialistic wealth.

Despite employers pushing the corporate message on mental wellness / wellbeing, they often fail to acknowledge and appreciate the pressures placed on management and senior management. Looking from the outside in, it is hard to get beyond the facade and veneer that frequently becomes engrained in our behaviour and manner at work. That became me, and I behaved the same way with my family in not opening up to them.

I remember the day of this picture very well, as the person on the left is the unknowingly and naturally astute David Kilmartin . He has a way of cutting through the facade and after discussing some business-related matters, he asked a simple question - “Is everything alright?”. It caught me a little off-guard and after he explained that he sensed I was ‘a little off’, I actually felt like blurting out in tears and crying out my frustrations. As you can see from the picture I clearly didn’t, although it did make me open up and share. We need to do more of this. Especially men. We also need to stop chasing corporate recognition, and instead enjoy our working life and ignore those who go out of their way to keep you down. Seek organisations that recognise you for what you bring and surround yourself with like-minded people who, like David, can see when life gets the better of you.

Don’t accept job misery for job security.