Midlife Epiphanies: What I’ve Learned by Age 41

Today, I am 41 years young, and let me tell you, it’s a mixed bag of emotions. On one hand, I’m grateful to have made it this far without any major mishaps. On the other hand, I find myself constantly questioning if I’ve really got my life together or if I’m just winging it in a really convincing way.

SPOILER ALERT: it’s most likely the latter. But hey, that’s part of the charm, right? And I’ve learned some really great lessons, so let’s dive into some of my favorites over the past four decades.

Checking Emotions, Setting Healthy Boundaries

I’m not ashamed to admit that I wear my emotions on my sleeve and may or may not try to please everyone I meet. However, I’ve learned that being too emotional and trusting can cause some major issues, including:?

• Emotional Burnout: Constantly managing and responding to my own and others’ emotions was getting exhausting and led to some serious emotional burnout.?
• Being Taken Advantage Of: Some people out there exploited my kindness and willingness to please, taking more from me than they gave back.?
• Difficulty in Setting Boundaries: Trying to make everyone happy often meant neglecting my own needs and struggling to establish and maintain healthy boundaries.?
• Increased Stress and Anxiety: Juggling others’ expectations and emotions heightened my own stress and anxiety levels.
• Loss of Identity: Trying to constantly adapt to please others led to losing sight of my own desires, values, and identity.?
• Unfilled Relationships: Giving more to certain individuals than what I was receiving led to unhealthy and unbalanced personal and professional relationships that only distracted me from my goals.?
• Reduced Self-Esteem: My confidence and self-worth was diminished when I prioritized others’ needs over my own.?
• Inconsistent Decision-Making: Because my emotional impulses and my desire to please clouded my judgment, I was making inconsistent and poor decisions.?
• Negative Impact on Mental Health: Over time, constantly tyring to accommodate others took a toll on my mental health, leading to depression and anxiety.?
• Inability to Achieve Personal Goals: In a nutshell, focusing on others’ happiness diverted my attention and energy from pursuing my own goals and ambitions.?

LESSON LEARNED: Striking a balance between caring for others and prioritizing my own needs helped me to set healthy boundaries, protect my mental health, and recognize that it’s okay to say “no.”?

When I started implementing these changes, I was able to maintain my identity, make better decisions, and foster more fulfilling and balanced relationships.?

Being Firm Doesn’t Make You Mean

I’ve been told more than once I am too nice. It’s a consequence of trying to please people all the time. I tend to worry too much over things out of my control. At the end of last year, I did some one-on-one coaching with Jennifer Watson . She brought my edginess to light and coached me on how to maintain it without being too abrasive. Some of the homework she gave me included practicing the following:?

• Be Clear and Direct: Clearly articulate needs and expectations without beating around the bush, and use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory.?
• Maintain a Calm Tone: Keep a calm and steady voice to avoid coming across as aggressive, taking deep breaths when emotions rise before responding.?
• Practice Active Listening: Acknowledge others’ perspectives with respect, and reflect on what they said before responding to ensure a constructive conversation.?
• Set Boundaries Respectfully: Be polite and firm, using phrases like “I appreciate your understanding” or “Thank you for respecting my decision.” Sometimes a brief explanation can help others understand why boundaries are being set.?
• Stay Consistent: Follow through with actions to reinforce what was said, and calmly restate boundaries if they’re tested.?
• Use Positive Language: Frame requests positively and emphasize finding a mutually agreeable solution rather than just pointing out problems.?
• Be Empathetic: Show understanding by expressing empathy and, if possible, providing alternative solutions that might also work.?
• Stay Solution-Oriented: Focus on outcomes and discussions that are centered around finding a resolution rather than dwelling on the issue, and collaborate to find a solution that respects all parties.?
• Reflect and Learn: After firm interactions, reflect on what went well and what could be improved, and if appropriate, ask trusted parties for feedback on the approach.?

LESSON LEARNED: To be firm without being mean, I needed to learn clear communication, empathy, and consistency. By maintaining a calm and respectful approach, setting boundaries clearly, and practicing active listening, I have been able to assert my needs effectively while preserving positive relationships.?

Risk Taking and Continuous Improvement

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve received over the last 41 years is to embrace risk. No, not the “bet all of your savings on a sketchy cryptocurrency” kind of risk, but the kind that pushes you out of your comfort zone and forces you to grow.?

I used to have to be prepared for everything before trying something new. Now, I push myself to take more risks, regardless of how intimidating they may be, because it helps contribute to my personal success and growth.?

LESSON LEARNED: By embracing risk and committing to continuous improvement, I’ve built my resilience, fostered my personal growth, created competitive advantages for myself, and opened the door to new opportunities that are allowing me to reach the goals I've set for myself.

Having Faith In Something

I understand and respect that not everyone believes in a higher power. I also respect that not everyone is going to agree or respect my beliefs. However, speaking from personal experience, having faith in something – anything – makes the hard times easier to handle.?

I’m not here to preach about religion or try to convert anyone, but whether it’s a belief in a higher power, the universe, or just the power of positive thinking, having something to hold onto when life gets tough is invaluable. The top benefits I’ve noticed from believing in something include:?

• Increased Resilience: My faith and spirituality have made it easier for me to cope with challenges and setbacks in my personal and professional life. It has softened the impact of life’s difficulties, helping me to recover faster from any adversity.?
• Enhanced Emotional Support: Believing in something has connected me to something greater than myself.?
• Improved Mental Health: My spirituality has helped me foster optimism and hope, reducing my levels of anxiety and depression.?
• Greater Sense of Purpose: I have become more motivated and focused on my goals because my efforts have a greater purpose.?
• Enhanced Coping Mechanisms: My beliefs have also helped me frame challenges in a more manageable context, improving my problem-solving skills and making obstacles less overwhelming.?

LESSON LEARNED: Believing in something has provided me with essential emotional and psychological support. I’ve been able to navigate challenges and face difficulties with greater strength and optimism, increasing my overall happiness and well-being.?

Embracing Every Moment and Enjoying the Ride

The most important lesson I’ve learned and often forget in moments of stress is that life is not promised tomorrow; hell, it’s not promised in the next thirty seconds. It’s fleeting and unpredictable, which makes embracing every moment essential. Of course, it’s easy to get caught up in future plans or dwell on past regrets, but the true essence of living lies in making the most of each day as it comes.?

Focusing on the present allows us to appreciate the small joys, cherish meaningful experiences, and build lasting memories. It’s not just about seeking happiness but actively participating in the richness of life as it unfolds.?

LESSON LEARNED: By shifting my mindset, I’ve learned to laugh a little louder, love a little deeper, and find beauty in the ordinary. Life doesn’t come with guarantees, but it offers countless moments to be grateful for, which has made this 41-year ride all the more worthwhile.?

Cheers to the next 41 years!