Midlife crisis - What is it and did I just have one?

I love a good crypt, it's up there with true crime docos for me. I find them eerie yet intriguing. It's the history and the story that I find most interesting.

I recently visited an old crypt in Sicily, where the deceased left a potent message on the wall for the living who visited...“We were once like you. You will soon be like us”.

How are crypts relevant to midlife crisis? Sorry, bit bleak isn't it. The point however is that the dead and dying wish for life, and the living wish for youth. Most of us wish for the one thing we cannot have. Our time back.

The average life expectancy in NZ sits at ~82 years old. Slightly more for women, slightly less for men, and variations of this depending on demographics.

Based on this, midlife should be just that... Middle of one's life... Somewhere around 40. I'm on the cusp of 40 now... So, should I expect my crisis to start soon, or have I just had it?

It's been 12 months since I left the things keeping my secured, for 12 months of transience and travels. 87 sleeping spots later, I feel different. Better. Healed.

So, was that my crisis, or was it perfectly timed evasive action to avoid the crisis?Perhaps it was the time leading up Break Free '23 that one could call the 'crisis'... But was it specifically a midlife one?

According to the Oxford dictionary a midlife crisis is defined as “a loss of?self-confidence?and feeling of anxiety or?disappointment?that can occur in early middle age.”

If you simply google 'crisis', a range of equally joyous synonyms present, including: catastrophe, calamity, disaster, predicament, plight, dilemma, setback, quandary, trouble, adversity, distress, difficulty, drama, spot of bother, upheaval.

Forbes describes the symptoms of a midlife crisis as “Dramatic changes in appearance, behavior or self-care. Excessive indecisiveness. Feelings of anger, boredom, emptiness, irritability, loss of purpose, nostalgia, resentment, sadness or being unfulfilled. Financial irrationality and excessive spending.”

Bleak.

Ok, so a midlife crisis has broadly accepted negative connotations. It's essentially a negative realisation, that goes hand in hand with dramatic and destructive thoughts, feelings and behaviours.?Sounds like something to look forward to.

But are all crises bad?

I've never written the plural for crisis before... Lucky or just didn't realise that a word as significant as crisis could occur as a plural? The latter.

I recently wrote about learning agility as the most important skill we can poses in life and work. It’s the precursor to problem solving, the necessary ingredient for skill transferability and the garden bed for growth.

We often build our learning agility best when we hit big change face on. Cue, the crisis.

A crisis (singular) is often a pretty deeply impactful experience, marred by feelings like uncertainty, ambiguity, distress, worry and fear. But if you zoom out you’ll see a much bigger experience surrounding the crisis, which includes opportunity, perseverance, deep learning and growth, strengthened sense of self and achievement.?

Note: Zooming out is always advisable when you are in the midst of a crisis, realising that this usually best achieved when you exit the immediate eye of the storm

So, is a crisis all bad? No. So, is it all good? No, not always in the moment. So, what is it then?

My brother is rollercoaster obsessed. I am not. He travels to theme parks around the world and rides from park opening until park closing. I foolishly agreed to accompany him to Paris Disney one day - possibly the longest day of my life. He took me on my first coaster ride as an adult.

Important info: I hadn’t coastered since I was about 13 and I was now 31.?

Also important info: One should know never to trust their brother…

But I did and he took me on an indoor coaster, that was in the dark and incredibly loopy. In the moment of the ride, I honestly thought I was going to die. I was in crisis (for survival). Dramatic, I know. But I was really, really scared and my rational self was 'out to lunch'.?

Afterwards, I sat on a seat outside for some time to quell the nausea while my brother deserted me for more rides. As the nausea subsided, I felt a high. The adrenalin was pumping. I didn't ride that coaster again, but I did try a few others. Still not my cup of tea, but I brought the postcard so-to-speak.

The point here is that in the moment of crisis, you’ll often be in survival mode, unable to appreciate, process and plan. You’ll be holding on for dear life, trying to get through. Perhaps you’ll scream as well. But as you come out of the other side, you’ll have achieved something, whether it’s growth, conquering fear or simply surviving.??

If this experience is a metaphor for midlife crisis, then:

• Life is the roller coaster
• Before crisis is the bit when we rock up to the ride, oblivious
• The crisis is the moment the loops start and we are thrown into survival mode
• Post-crisis is reflecting back on living through the ride and knowing that you want to ride rather than watch your life speeding by.

A midlife crisis is quite specific.

In 1957 a Canadian psychoanalyst and social scientist Elliott Jaques announced his medical research findings to the British Pyschoanalytical Society, coining the term Midlife Crisis, to which we described people experiencing symptoms of “religious awakenings, promiscuity, a sudden inability to enjoy life, “hypochondriacal concern over health and appearance,” and “compulsive attempts” to remain young.”

This can be deduced to a more positive, proactive framing, perhaps of: A state of awakening, awareness and desire to be action-oriented.

A midlife crisis takes place at the halfway point of which you supposedly go from thinking about how long you’ve been alive, to how long you have left… It seems plausible, as that's how I count lengths at the pool. It sharpens the focus, gets the adrenalin going and makes us get up and take action on what needs to be done that perhaps we have procrastinated on long enough…?

A midlife crisis however doesn’t have to be the cliche of divorce, a buff bod, sports car and younger partner. Chasing the desires of our past youth aren’t the secret to our happy future. Afterall, we make the beds we lie in, and unless we are interested in learning how to make a bed we enjoy sleeping in, throwing the bed and linen out and buying a new one isn't going to lead to a better night's sleep.

Like the crypt warning foretells, the direction of the coaster of life is one way... The reality is that we can never be what we once were, and that’s a good thing. Every day that passes, we are a better version of ourselves. And one that we better understand, too.

On a positive note, from the top of the hill that is synonymous with midlife, we have a great vantage point from which to look back on what we have achieved and learned, and to look out to where we wish to wander next, with intention and purpose.?

Perhaps we replace the word ‘crisis’ with ‘perspective’.

So, has mine happened??

I look back at 2022 and the years leading up to the moments that challenged me beyond my ability to bounce back.

A crisis is rarely something that happens to us. It's how we react to things happening around us that leads to the moment of crisis. Either we are out of our depth, or we look around and think 'this isn't me, how did I get here?'.

My moment of crisis was the moment that I no longer felt that I had control over my capacity and therefore the space I needed to make good choices and take good actions for me. I was running my life like an Emergency Department. Doing the critical stuff in front of me, and leaving the recovery and treatment plan for someone else, sometime later. I had lost sight of, and hope in my bigger picture.

I sometimes ponder in my new state of capacity, had I not taken a year out to breathe, would it have been different, perhaps a more dramatic crisis might have occurred. I'm glad I am not in the waiting room to find out.

When it comes to our tenure on this planet, it’s fair to say that it's the one true unknown. This can either be a terrifying thought, or perhaps a useful inspiration to live with an attitude of gratitude. Our choice.

I am grateful not to have personally looked death in the eyes, and I hope it’s some time until I have to. I have however had big moments or sudden and great loss, as most of us have. And these big, defining moments can cause seismic shifts in how we see ourselves, and our world, to the point where we rethink what we value and prioritise.?

But, we don’t have to wait for these moments to revisit what we hold dear, whether we are truly living the life we want, and prioritising the things we value.

Whether you are waiting in line for your crisis, strapped in for the ride, or sitting on a bench on the other side, remember YOLO!

So, go live your version of your best life!