Midlife crisis / Criza varstei mijlocii

EN / RO

For a long time I vehemently rejected this labelling of some manifestations that appear in the lives of many. I think it was because of the association with the American image of what a "midlife crisis" means, namely the husband leaving his family, buying a sports car, completely changing his wardrobe, and starting dating girls his daughter's age. And yes, I said the husband, because it seems that in America only men are affected by this crisis.

Rejecting the concept and explanations in American folklore, but seeing that something happens to us around middle age - debatable what that means to each - I tried to formulate my own explanation of the phenomenon. I remember using this explanation in front of students at an IT school where I was teaching interview preparation. I was using this "theory" of mine to encourage them and give them a pertinent explanation for their desire to change their career 180 degrees - they needed this explanation to present themselves confidently to the interviewers.

What was I telling them, exactly? That it's normal to want a career change at 30 - 40 - 50 years old. That their choice of high school, college, and profession up until then came as outside influences rather than conscious inner choices. How many of us went to a high school/college for that this is what our parents told us, we were continuing the family tradition, that's where most of our classmates went, that was the only decent option, etc.?

How many of us chose a high school or university at the age of 14-18 with the thought that "I will make a career in X" or "I want to become Y so that I can do Z, because this is how I imagine my life from now on"? Too few, unfortunately. Unfortunately and at the same time naturally.

What do we know about ourselves at that age? How well do we know each other? Us, the world? Not much, a little, hardly at all. The years are just around the corner when we begin to experience life, good and bad.

And after about 10-20 years of experimenting, maybe even ticking off what was expected of us: career, home, family, etc., we wake up one day to "now what?", "is this it?". I want something else, I want it different, I'm not happy with what I'm doing now. Mind you, we're staying in the career zone for now. Because unfortunately, that's where we spend most of our waking hours. Most of us. And then it's naturally we want to change something there.

This is the moment of "crisis".

When, getting to know each other a little, or at least realising that we no longer like/satisfy the way things are going now, we decide to change careers. This time, we choose (or at least we should).

That's what I was telling the students. That now they chose, assumed, after realising what they don't want to do and discovered what they want to do, they chose to change their career, to feel that it's theirs and that's it. Career and choice. Once they know themselves better, they know their values and want to live them day by day, not just proclaim them.

I'm not naive, I'm aware that some people chose IT for external reasons: my friends told me I'd be good at it, I heard it pays well and the schedule is flexible, etc. But it was no longer my place to challenge their motivation - that's what I do in my coaching practice, if they want to focus seriously on this area. I'm just explaining why it's normal for these "drastic" changes to happen at ages like 30-40-50. And I'm not limiting it to 50, I think we can choose what we want to do at 80 too if we feel like it. Nobody will stop us, only ourselves.

I still agree with my interpretation of the "midlife crisis". However, that only covers the career part. Because, as I said earlier, it's the most accessible part of our lives. The most tangible, the most better known and, although sometimes it doesn't seem like it, the easiest to approach.

But there is another dimension, enormous and sometimes ignored, forgotten or simply unseen. That's me. Who am I? Me as a human. As the Americans say (let's "quote" them in a positive manner this time) "human being". Human being is not human doing. The career is very much directed towards human doing. Probably the explanation is simplistic. How well do I know myself? I like the way I am? What I think about myself are my opinions or are they inherited/borrowed/imposed ones?

The midlife crisis actually brings about our genuine need for self-knowledge, then for contribution to this world, just as genuine. It's a long process, sometimes painful, sometimes frustrating, sometimes smooth and easy, sometimes with stagnation, sometimes with aha moments, followed by "okay, what do I do with this now?". It's a dance, sometimes a waltz, sometimes wild. Results appear, always exist, but not necessarily as we imagined, but always towards and for our own good. It's a journey, a process, a road, a path. It's not a pill, a button, or a wand magic. The more difficult it is, the more beautiful it is.

When the midlife crisis occurs, we act to change something from the outside: career, job, family, friends, hairstyle, clothes, frequented events, habits.

I invite you to take a break. I invite not acting outward (except obviously in cases of toxic relationships/jobs, but those are not necessarily related to midlife crisis), but deciding to look at myself. To understand that this crisis is actually the signal that I am now ready to take on myself. To explore myself, to discover myself, to challenge myself, to decompose and recompose myself, to redraw myself, to know and understand myself. And when these begin to show their results, the external ones will also change. Inevitable.

It's a good midlife crisis. And it's normal.

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Mult? vreme am respins vehement aceast? etichetare a unor manifest?ri ce apar ?n via?a multora. Cred c? a fost din cauza asocierii cu imaginea american? a ceea ce ?nseamn? ?criza varstei mijlocii", ?i anume faptul c? so?ul ??i p?r?sea familia, ??i cump?ra o ma?in? sport, ??i schimba complet garderoba ?i ?ncepea s? umble cu tipe de varsta fiicei lui. Si da, am zis so?ul, c? se pare c? la americani doar b?rba?ii sunt afecta?i de aceast? criz?.

Respingand conceptul ?i explica?iile din folclorul american, v?zand totu?i c? ceva se ?ntampl? cu noi pe la varsta mijlocie - discutabil ce ?nseamn? asta pentru fiecare - am ?ncercat s? formulez propria mea explica?ie a fenomenului. ?mi amintesc cum foloseam aceast? explica?ie ?n fa?a studen?ilor de la o ?coal? de IT unde predam preg?tire pentru interviu. Foloseam “teoria” asta proprie ca s? ?i ?ncurajez ?i s? le ofer o explica?ie pertinent? pentru dorin?a lor de

a-?i schimba cariera 180 de grade - aveau nevoie de aceast? explica?ie ca s? se prezinte ?ncrez?tori ?n fa?a intervievatorilor.

Ce le spuneam, mai exact? C? e normal s?-?i doreasc? o schimbare de carier? la 30 - 40 - 50 de ani. C? liceul, facultatea ?i profesia pe care le-au avut pan? atunci au venit mai degrab? ca influen?e exterioare decat ca alegeri interioare cu bun? ?tiin??. Ca?i dintre noi s-au dus la un liceu/facultate pt. c? a?a le-au spus p?rin?ii, continuau tradi?ia familiei, acolo au mers majoritatea colegilor, acolo era singura op?iune decent?, etc.?

Ca?i dintre noi au ales la 14-18 ani un liceu sau o facultate cu gandul c? ?voi face carier? ?n X "sau ?vreau s? devin Y ca s? pot face Z, c? a?a ?mi imaginez eu via?a de acum ?nainte"? Prea pu?ini, din p?cate. Din p?cate ?i ?n acela?i timp ?i firesc.

Ce ?tim despre noi la varsta aceea? Cat de bine ne cunoa?tem? Pe noi, lumea? Nu prea, pu?in, aproape deloc. Abia urmeaz? anii ?n care ?ncepem s? experiment?m via?a, cu bune ?i cu rele.

?i dup? vreo 10-20 de ani de experimentat, poate chiar de bifat ce se a?tepta de la noi: carier?, cas?, familie, etc, ne trezim ?ntr-o zi c? "now what?", ?is this it?". Vreau altceva, vreau altfel, nu mai sunt mul?umit cu ce fac acum. Aten?ie, r?manem deocamdat? ?n zona de carier?. Pentru c?, din p?cate, acolo ne petrecem cea mai mare parte din timpul cat suntem treji. Majoritatea dintre noi. ?i atunci e firesc s? ne dorim s? schimb?m ceva acolo.

Asta e momentul ?crizei".

Cand, cunoscandu-ne cat de cat, sau m?car dandu-ne seama c? nu ne mai place/satisface a?a cum merge treaba acum, decidem s? schimb?m cariera. De data asta, alegem noi. (sau cel pu?in a?a ar trebui).

Asta le spuneam studen?ilor. C? acum ei au ales, asumat, dup? ce ?i-au dat seama ce nu vor s? fac? ?i au descoperit ce vor s? fac?, ei au ales s?-?i schimbe cariera, ca s? simt? c? e a lor ?i atat. Cariera ?i alegerea. Dup? ce se cunosc mai bine, ??i cunosc valorile ?i ??i doresc s? le ?i tr?iasc? zi de zi, nu doar s? le proclame.

Nu sunt naiv?, sunt con?tient? c? unii alegeau IT tot pentru motive exterioare: mi-au zis prietenii c? a? fi bun la asta, am auzit c? se ca?tig? bine ?i e program flexibil, etc. Dar deja nu mai era locul meu s? le contest motiva?ia - asta fac ?u practica de coaching, dac? ??i doresc s? ??i pun? aten?ia serios pe zona aceasta. Eu doar explicam de ce e normal ca aceste schimb?ri ?drastice" s? aib? loc la varste ca 30-40-50. Si nu limitez la 50, sunt de p?rere c? putem alege ce dorim s? facem ?i la 80 dac? a?a sim?im noi. Nobody will stop us, only ourselves.

Sunt ?n continuare de acord cu propria interpretare a ?crizei varstei mijlocii". Cu toate astea, aceasta acoper? doar partea de carier?. Pentru c?, a?a cum ziceam mai devreme, e cea mai la ?ndeman? bucat? a vie?ii noastre. Cea mai palpabil?, cea mai cunoscut? ?i, de?i uneori nu pare, cea mai u?or de abordat.

Mai este ?ns? o dimensiune, enorm? ?i uneori ignorat?, uitat? sau, pur ?i simplu nev?zut?. Aceea a eu. Cine sunt eu? Eu ca om. Cum zic americanii (hai c? de data asta ?i ?citez" de bine) “human being”. Human being nu human doing. Cariera e mult ?ndreptat? c?tre human doing. ?mi asum dac? explica?ia e simplist?. Cat de bine m? cunosc? ?mi place de mine a?a cum sunt? Ce cred despre mine sunt p?rerile mele sau sunt mo?tenite/?mprumutate/impuse?

Criza varstei mijlocii aduce, de fapt, nevoia noastr? autentic? de autocunoa?tere, apoi de contribu?ie la lumea asta, la fel de autentic?. E un proces lung, uneori dureros, alteori frustrant, uneori lin ?i u?or, alteori cu stagn?ri, uneori cu momente de aha, urmate de ?bine, ?i eu ce fac cu asta acum?". E un dans, uneori un vals, alteori s?lbatic. Rezultatele apar, exist? ?ntotdeauna, dar nu neap?rat a?a cum ni le-am imaginat noi, ?ns? ?ntotdeauna spre ?i pentru binele nostru. E o c?l?torie, un proces, un drum, un parcurs. Nu e o pastil?, un buton sau o baghet? magic?. Pe cat e de dificil, pe atat e de frumos.

Cand apare criza varstei mijlocii, ac?ion?m ?n a schimba ceva din exterior: carier?, job, familie, prieteni, frez?, haine, evenimente frecventate, obiceiuri.

Invit la pauz?.

Invit la a nu ac?iona ?n exterior (decat evident ?n cazuri de rela?ii/job-uri toxice, dar astea nu au neap?rat leg?tur? cu criza varstei mijlocii), ci la a decide s? m? uit la mine. La a ?n?elege c? criza asta e de fapt semnalul c? acum sunt preg?tit s? m? asum. S? m? explorez, s? m? descop?r, s? m? contest, s? m? descompun ?i recompun, s? m? redesenez, s? m? cunosc, s? m? ?n?eleg. Si cand astea ?ncep s? ??i arate rezultatele, se vor schimba ?i cele din exterior. Inevitabil.

E bun? criza varstei mijlocii. ?i e normal?.