Middle Managers: Teach People How to Treat You

Middle managers have the toughest job. Not only must they provide clear direction for their direct reports, they often have to manage up, which is particularly trying if their manager isn't also a great leader.

As an executive coach, I try my best to help senior executives do their best by their people, but my opportunities for that dialog are limited to my 24 hours in the day. Additionally, some senior executives NEED development, they don't know it because of their blind spots, and we all have them; it's just that a senior executive's blind spots have such a big impact on others! Right?

So I write. My May LinkedIn Newsletter is a White Paper for senior executives, with the intent to help them move from NEEDING development as a leader to WANTING it! What do you think, is this a possibility?

Please tell ME what YOU see about that executive need/want quandary that I experience as a Behavior Change Master, certified executive coach, certified woman owned business with 30 years of experience building teams and developing leaders. When I have the opportunity I can make the difference.

Here, my friend, are five insight into control you have that you might not be exercising. Most will work best with direct reports.

5 Insights into Control You Do Have in Any Situation

1. Be Responsible for Your Own Tendencies

Know your own tendencies so you can be responsible for them because YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW to TREAT YOU by what you tolerate. I've heard advice delivered like this which cuts to the chase: "Men, man up". "Women, get your big girl panties on".

Clear, and kind handles most difficulties. Avoiding or ignoring upsetting patterns, hoping they won't repeat, is Pollyanna-ish. Hope is not a strategy. If your preference is to let things play out, they will. Patterns don't change without an interruption.

Sometimes you will be confronted by someone who offers unedited feedback that is harsh; simple letting them know that keeping attitude in check and staying with the facts is what actually makes the difference.

2. It's Never Personal

Know the tendencies of? the people you manage so you can have authentic dialog about who is reacting to whom and about what.?It’s NEVER PERSONAL!

Losing one's temper or getting into a blame comes from the past and those moments are the consequences of blind spots. That applies when managing up as well. The phrase, "That doesn't work for me" doesn't blame and it sets boundaries. What are your boundaries?

So for example, if someone systematically misses scheduled standing meetings, that's not acceptable. If you said, "I'm happy to reset an appointment, letting me know in advance lets me manage my schedule which allows me to better serve you!" When the honor or respect is felt as missing, it's still not personal. You simply have to be clear.

3. Not Happy - Fulfilled. Happiness is an Inside Job

Do not tolerate work NOT getting done. Rather than fear or avoid the complexity of the people you manage, learn to understand their humanity, and your own, but do not tolerate work NOT getting done.

The classic Harvard Business Review article, "Management Time: Who's Got the Monkey?" begins with this paragraph: Why is it that managers are typically running out of time while their subordinates are typically running out of work? Here we shall explore the meaning of management time as it relates to the interaction between managers and their bosses, their peers, and their subordinates." It is still the most, or second most downloaded article EVER.

The reward of a job well done is the fulfillment of knowing the job was well done. The value of specific, relevant feedback for job well done is more credible ad rewarding that just hearing, "Good job." Communicating the importance of the task gives employees a reason to step up to it. You create the meaning of the work that creates the fulfillment.

4. Don't Allow Bullying

By knowing that their bullying is fear-based, you can and should call them on it.?Do not allow workplace bullies to persist. This conversation is made easier if you can show them their own tendencies and point out the resulting negative impacts have on others.? They can then own their behavior and become responsible for it.

One way to arrive at this place where they elect to be responsible, in any situation, is to watch for and catalog their patterns of behavior. Isolated incidents can become arguments. When you approach any situation with your observations about repeated offenses, cooly and calmly, you earn respect.

There are employees with a history of violence, maybe veterans with PTSD or children of violent and ugly home life experiences. Their "amydula hijack" or the new ways to say "out of control" are still inappropriate to the workplace and perhaps need to be dealt with in more comprehensive ways than just counting on yourself to settle what isn't easily settled.

5. What you Can't Fix Won't Improve with Negative Energy

Making people wrong adds no value, and it alienates.?Being "right" is the booby prize. Unless you can address the unconscious drivers of someone's behavior, the best you can do is be clear, and kind. If you meet someone else's negative energy with the same of your own, you automatically lose your opportunity to make a difference.

This circles us back to the initial point that you teach people how to treat you by what you tolerate. When faced with inappropriate behavior of any kind, you want to avoid being sucked into the negative energy. You must diffuse energy. An example is mirroring with uplifted voice, like "I need to know more".

If a direct report expresses unrealistic expectations and is putting their crazy on you, then you lose control when you are drawn into that downdraft . Don't buy into their crazy!

What kind of solutions have you implemented I these situations in the past? Please share here.