Mid-Life Tsunamis: The 4 Most Important People to Love & Liberate!

‘Life begins at 40’ Walter Pitkin

“In the end only 3 things matter: 1. How much you loved; 2. How gently you lived; 3. How gracefully you let go of things” Unknown

"You great star, what would your happiness be had you not those for whom you shine?" Friedrich Nietzsche

I made a mistake. In my desire to help people manage their mid-life crises without damaging their wellbeing I had got it wrong. I thought that telling people that '7 of the 10 biggest waves of life strike between the ages of 43 to 53' was the headline message to maximise their mid-life wellbeing. But this was not the most important point. Whilst it is true that 7 mid-life tsunamis strike, on average, between the ages of 43 to 53, what is even more important to your mid-life wellbeing is how well you love and liberate the 4 most important people in your life!

How well do you love and liberate the 4 most important people in your life?

Life Begins at 40?

Have you heard the saying ‘Life Begins at 40'? As a psychologist - when I look at all the challenges people face in their work, life, family and health it is certainly true that the challenges we face in life significantly escalate from the age of 40. We not only face the existential angst of our ageing bodies and unfulfilled dreams but also manage at least a few of the 7 Tsunamis of mid-life (e.g., Separation & Divorce, Financial & Legal Stress, Illness & Injuries, Teenagers & Elder Care, and Retirement Transition). Even with all these challenges, I believe you can still choose whether or not your mid-life becomes a 'nuclear winter' or a state of 'nirvana' and it largely depends on how well you love & liberate the 4 most important people in your life.

The 7 Mid-Life Tsunamis & The 4 Most Important People 

 After several years examining a lot of the research on the Top 10 Stressful Life Events (AKA Tsunamis) people experience in life I discovered that only 3 of the Top 10 stressful life events (Death of Your Spouse, Unemployment and Marriage)occur (on average) outside of mid-life . The other 7 of the Top 10 Tsunamis of Life occur in mid life – most likely between the ages of 43-53! The table below to summarise the 7 Mid-Life Tsunamis and the average age these events happen. Now clearly there are a lot of variations as to what age certain events actually happen to each individual, but the average ages below are quite helpful in understanding the concentrated pattern of risks that occur in mid-life.

When we focus on the 7 Mid-life Tsunamis and the people in our lives that are most important in each of these stressful life events, it becomes extremely obvious that the 4 most important people which can ‘make or break’ this life stage are 1. Our spouse (Tsunami 1) ; 2. Our children (Tsunami 6). Our ageing parents (Tsunamis 2 & 6); and 4. Oursleves (Tsunamis 5 & 7). As such focusing our energy on loving and liberating these 4 important people will be crucial to minimizing the risks of mid-life tsunamis on our lives.

To Love & Liberate: What Does That Mean?

To Love...

Love is a beautiful thing. To love someone – according to several dictionary definitions – means 'to have a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection'. In order to love someone you must first get to know (& like) them – their personality, characteristics, habits and hopes and dreams. In doing so you create a definition of who they are and, whether you realize it or not, you begin to confine them to this definition through rewarding characteristics you like most whilst ignoring or criticising those you dislike.

By the time you are in mid-life these pre-conceived defining limits, expectations and boundaries you set for yourself, your spouse, your kids and your parents can have unintended consequences whereby you block their (and your own) personal growth in order to maintain the status quo of living within your own confined definitions. 

Needless to say, people don't like feeling constricted or controlled and react strongly when they feel their individual freedom is stifled – teenagers of course may take this to extreme levels but our spouse and elderly parents can also react badly when we fail to respect their need for growth and change. Even more tragic is when we deny ourselves the right to growth and change resulting in harmful self oppression and denial. In order to prevent damaging the 4 most important relationships we have and possibly prevent some of the Mid-life Tsunamis we not only have to love, but also liberate, those most important to us.

To Liberate...

To liberate someone means to release them from confinement. As the saying goes, "If you love someone set them free," - liberate them. When we liberate the people we love, we create the space needed for personal growth and change – a prerequisite to move through the various stages of adult development. We recognise our own biases and limitations that we placed on others and make a conscious effort to set these biases aside to be genuinely present and interested in their growth and future, rather than their current status and previous history. 

Whilst there is always the chance that they (or you) may change in ways you dislike making it harder for you to love them, there is even more likelihood that sharing the journey of growth and change together will provide more opportunities to deepen relationships further.

Loving & Liberating The 4 Most Important People: My Fails 

 Let’s take a deep dive into what it means to ‘love and liberate’ each of the 4 most important people in your life.

Your Spouse

With separation and divorce the biggest Mid-life Tsunami, making sure you have a healthy relationship with your spouse should be your number one priority. Do you love your spouse in a way that liberates them? Does your love increase the communication and interests you share? Or, are you frustrated and disliking your spouse and their habits – avoiding them and increasing the silent space between you?

For me, as someone who is constantly into growth and change, one of my biggest relationship fails has been in struggling to love and accept others who are content with the status quo, who prefer stability and consistency over growth and change. I have had to learn the hard way that neither path is right or wrong – both have different opportunities and challenges. But my struggle to find a way to love and liberate through these divergent paths has caused a lot of unnecessary stress and strain.

If I were to self-rate my ability to 'love and liberate' in this area of my life over previous years with 10 being the perfect positive score, at best I would be a 5. Thankfully I am much clearer on what I needed to do to improve and have worked very hard on this aspect of my life. 

Your Children/ Teens 

 Caring for growing children and teenagers ranks at number 6 in the 7 Mid-life Tsunamis so being able to love and liberate your children and teens is crucial to prevent this big wave from striking. Do you love your older children and teens by spending quality time with them? Do you really listen and show empathy and understanding as well as liberate them by sharing your own life lessons to guide the way and give them freedom (within limits) to make their own choices? Or do you find them so difficult to deal with that avoidance is your preference until things are too difficult and then sudden conflict and ultimatums escalate leaving everyone more anxious, confused and frustrated?

I am guilty of both patterns of behaviour but thankfully I do a lot more empathising, listening and quality time than avoidance. This is partly due to the role modelling of my parents and partly due to my training as a Psychologist. I keep our family rules short and simple allowing everyone the creative space to grow and change within these broad limits. I promote shared accountability among us all and equal rights for flagging any breaches of the family rules and I openly apologise and admit mistakes when my kids 'call me' on my own behaviour. This approach is not without its struggles but produces a wonderful safe and open dynamic within our family maximising fun and minimising stress. I would score myself a 7 out of 10 on this one at the moment having weathered the initial storms of blended families and teenage angst.

Your Parents

Elder care and the eventual death of you parents ranks at numbers 2 & 6 of the 7 Mid-life Tsunamis. Managing your relationship with your older parents, as you may now be a parent yourself is, for many people, extremely complex. How you reconcile your own parenting style against what you received from them as a child, whilst maintaining a friendship and working relationship with them as grandparents, as well as understanding and empathising with them as the grow older and change, can be an almost impossible task whilst you are juggling all of your own mid-life challenges. To cope with this change, unfortunately many people 'compartmentalise' their relationship with their elderly parents instead of seeing them holistically, and simply interact with them as 'grandparents' or as 'old people with declining health'.

To love and liberate your elderly parents is to take a holistic view of their lives and show a genuine interest and empathy in them as a person not just as a grandparent or a person with declining health. This means taking the time to listen and understand their views, fears and worries on important topics. Supporting their changing interests and hobbies as they accommodate for the limitations of ageing is also important. However when it comes to their role as grandparents loving & liberating is a double-edged sword as they should 'spoil' their grandkids with fun but not outside the scope of your rules as a parent – no 'ifs' or 'buts' – when it comes to raising your own kids – you have the final say. When it comes to my self-rating in loving & liberating my parents I'd waver between 6 and 7 out of 10. Whilst I think I have done well in the grandparent issues, I have not been as effective in truly listening and supporting other aspects of their lives.

Yourself 

Illness and injuries and transitions into older adulthood and retirement rank at number 5 and 7 on the Mid-life Tsunami scale. To love & liberate yourself means you need to maximise both your physical and psychological health and wellbeing. When it comes to physical health, loving and liberating means to both work hard at healthy living – in particular diet and exercise, as well as accept the limitations of ageing and avoid excesses that risk illness or injury.

 When it comes to your psychological health, loving & liberating yourself is about recognising your own worries, fears and challenges as you journey into the next stage of life and being positive and proactive in developing your life strategy and optimising your mental health. When I face my own internal critic about how well I am doing in loving and liberating myself I would be 7 or 8 out of 10. A lot of positives in the mental health and life strategy area but still lacking the self-discipline needed in diet and exercise to maximise my physical health.

Your Turn: Loving & Liberating The 4 Most Important People 

 Ok, given we know that loving & liberating these 4 important people can minimise the risks and impacts of the 7 mid-life tsunamis, it is now your turn to both stop and reflect as well as self-assess how well you are doing right now. 

Firstly, your relationship with your spouse – how well are you doing in loving and liberating them? What can you improve here? If you were to rate yourself out of 10 what would your score be? If it is not a '10' what do you need to do better?

Secondly, your relationship with your children and teens – how is this going? Are you loving and liberating them effectively – showing both empathy and firm boundaries where necessary? Are you role modelling personal growth and learning from mistakes or ensuring that you are perfect and never wrong? What is your score out of 10 in this area of your life and what do you need to improve to reduce the risk of mid-life tsunami number 5?

Thirdly, your relationship with your elderly parents – specifically being able to engage with them holistically rather than simply as grandparents or older people with declining health. How are you going on this – what would your self-rating out of 10 be right now? What can you do differently to increase your empathy and interest in your elderly parents development in this stage of their lives? How can you love & liberate them more effectively?

Finally, yourself. What are you doing to maximise your own physical health and psychological wellbeing during mid-life to prevent injuries and illnesses as well as develop and refine your life strategy as you transition into your next stage of life? What is your score out of 10 right now? Which area are you stronger in – promoting your physical health or psychological wellbeing? What steps do you need to take to love & liberate yourself further and thus increase your resilience and minimise the risks of mid-life tsunamis number 4 and 6.

By taking the time to love & liberate these 4 important people in your life you can maximise your quality of life and personal happiness as well as minimise the risks and impacts of the 7 Mid-life Tsunamis.

Ride the Waves of Life!

Dr Pete Stebbins

READ THE BOOK! If you liked this article then read 'The 7 Mid-Life Tsunamis' by Dr Pete

Dr Pete Stebbins, PhD, is a psychologist and executive coach with interests in Resilience, Life Strategy, Leadership & High Performance Teams. He is a wannabe soul surfer who is passionate about life and living. Dr Pete doesn’t have the luxury of spending all his time searching for the ultimate wave. However, he has learned to use surfing not only as a stress relieving activity but also as a powerful metaphor for 'riding the waves of life' and managing 'wipeouts' - strategies he shares in regular keynotes and workshops. Contact: [email protected] or visit drpetestebbins.com to find out more!