Microsoft: The Artificial Leader of Intelligence
Johnathon Horner
ASCAP & Warner Bros. Award-Winning Composer, Producer, and Audio Engineer
Ah, Microsoft, the tech behemoth that brought us the blue screen of death, the joy of endless Windows updates, and now — wait for it — the pinnacle of their product-naming genius: Windows App. Yes, you read that correctly. Microsoft has reached a level of self-awareness so meta, they named a Windows app that runs Windows apps, Windows App.
You see, Microsoft’s naming department has long been a source of mystery, confusion, and occasional hilarity. Their naming conventions seem to oscillate between the poetic (Azure, anyone?) and the utterly uninspired (Microsoft Surface Laptop Go 2 — what a mouthful). But Windows App? Well, it might just be their magnum opus of monotony, a zenith of zero creativity.
The Hall of Naming Shame
Before we deep dive into the masterpiece that is Windows App, let’s take a trip down memory lane to look at some of Microsoft’s most questionable naming decisions. Buckle up, because things are about to get as convoluted as Windows’ folder structure.
1. Windows Live Messenger
Doesn’t this sound lively? Or maybe it just “lives” forever in that awkward middle ground between a messaging service and a feature you never wanted but couldn’t uninstall. Oh wait, it used to be MSN Messenger, then became Windows Live Messenger — before it went extinct altogether. If it weren’t confusing enough already, the “Live” branding led to a series of other misnamed disasters like Windows Live Hotmail (what was “live” about reading your emails? Were they coming to life?), Windows Live Mesh, and so on.
2. Zune
What in the Zune were they thinking? Was it a word? A sound? A secret code to summon the ghost of failed tech products? Zune was Microsoft’s ill-fated attempt at dethroning the iPod, and while the device itself was decent, the name sounded more like a space alien from a 1950s sci-fi movie than a slick piece of hardware.
3. Bing
Oh Bing, sweet Bing. Microsoft’s search engine that still somehow lives despite Google having a death grip on the market. But why “Bing”? Was it the sound of a lightbulb turning on in someone’s head when they thought, “What if we made a search engine that almost no one uses?” Or did someone just smack their head into a table and say, “Bing! Got it!”
4. Xbox One
Remember the Xbox One? The console that wasn’t actually the first Xbox, but the third? How can anyone forget the thrilling moment they said, “Let’s call it Xbox One because it represents the one device you’ll ever need!” And then a bunch of executives patted themselves on the back for this stroke of marketing brilliance. It’s the console generation equivalent of naming your third child “Firstborn.”
5. Microsoft Bob
The ’90s were a strange time for tech, but Microsoft Bob was on another level. For the uninitiated, Bob was a user-friendly interface for Windows that tried to make your computer feel like a home… but ended up making it feel like a cluttered garage sale. They named it after your next-door neighbor, Bob, because why not? When you can’t think of anything creative, just slap a human name on it and hope for the best!
Enter the Windows App
Fast forward to today, and here we are, basking in the glory of Microsoft’s latest stroke of cough “brilliance”: Windows App. If you didn’t already know it from the first 1,000 mentions, it’s a Windows app that runs Windows apps. But how did we get here?
Let’s break it down. Imagine the scene at Microsoft’s naming department:
Executive #1: “We need to name this app that runs other Windows apps. It’s going to be on Windows.”
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Executive #2: “Hmm, how about we call it something that really screams ‘Windows’? Like, uh, ‘Windows App.’”
Executive #1: “Brilliant! It’s simple, direct, unimaginative, and a perfect continuation of our tradition.”
Executive #3 (sipping coffee): “Yeah, and people will definitely know what it does. No mystery here. Like, they can never say they didn’t see that one coming.”
And so it was born — Windows App. It’s almost like they were tired of over-complicating things and just decided to name it what it is, but not in a cool, minimalist way. No, no. This is the kind of bare-bones, “no effort required” naming you’d expect from a company that already gave up somewhere between Windows 8.1 and Vista.
The Real Naming Problem: Repetition
Microsoft seems to have a strange attachment to the word “Windows.” They slap it onto anything, and then slap it onto that thing’s cousins and distant relatives. We’ve had Windows Phone, Windows Media Player, Windows Defender, Windows Server, and don’t forget the time they named an entire product line Windows Live (and then buried it under the tech equivalent of six feet of dirt).
But Windows App — it’s like they’ve doubled down on repetition. Why call something anything other than exactly what it does? Windows running a Windows app, named Windows. It’s like they hired a toddler whose favorite word is “window.”
The Future of Microsoft Naming
Where does Microsoft go from here? The possibilities are endless, really.
And who could forget the possible upcoming Windows OS 2.0 App? It’s an app that’s an operating system, that operates apps, which run Windows. I mean, it’s a perfect candidate for Microsoft’s next best seller!
A Tradition of Perplexity
At the end of the day, Microsoft’s legacy of bizarre naming decisions seems unlikely to stop. Maybe it’s all part of some elaborate plan to confuse, frustrate, and amuse their loyal user base. Perhaps Microsoft is playing 4D chess, and we’re all just trying to figure out how to open the Start Menu. Or maybe, just maybe, they’ve got a secret division of name generators staffed by sentient AI with a limited vocabulary.
Whatever the case, the good news is that Microsoft’s products, despite their uninspired names, usually end up being pretty great (R.I.P. Zune, you were too good for this world). And as long as they keep giving us gems like Windows App, we’ll have plenty to laugh about while we click through a hundred dialog boxes.
So here’s to you, Microsoft. May your names continue to be as unpredictable as your updates and as memorable as Clippy’s return from the dead!
Legal Disclaimer:
This work is a creation of fiction, crafted solely for the purpose of entertainment and narrative exploration. All names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents portrayed in this work are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or deceased, real-life entities, locations, or actual events is purely coincidental and unintended. The author does not claim to depict real people, companies, organizations, or any actual scenarios. Any similarities are unintentional and should not be construed as factual or an attempt to represent real-world situations. This work is not meant to provide factual information or serve as a commentary on any actual individual, group, institution, or event.
In other words, if you’re an attorney seeking to hold me liable for sharing my honest opinion of a product I’ve reviewed or an article I've published…too bad.