Micros & Macros of Life: My Burnout Story

It’s a beautiful August day in Copenhagen, Denmark. I’m sitting in my home office. Chill day, no big responsibilities. To be honest, the only thing I really have to do is to respond to an email. I have to open my mail, type “yes” and afterwards enjoy some carpentry that I’ve been looking forward to. The email is not even that important, the decision is not difficult. I sit down at the desk, open my computer and stare at the screen. Strangely, I can’t get myself to type anything. A little surprised, I just sat there for an hour, staring out of the window. I’m not physically paralyzed, but my mind won’t let me do anything. I can theoretically move my hands and fingers, but I can’t get myself to type an answer to this fucking email. At this point I’m starting to freak out.

This was the day I realized I was burned-out. Burnout is just an overachiever word for depression (usually induced by work). I have had symptoms, obvious ones, for months. People even told me what it might be, but depression wasn’t in my dictionary, it wasn’t in my universe. I ignored the symptoms until my mind clearly said “no, we are going to address these issues.”

If this sounds familiar or you know someone who might be going through a similar situation, I wrote this article for you. In the following sections I will share my journey, what I did to get back on track and most importantly my epiphany about what I call the Micros and Macros of life:

1. My burnout symptoms
2. What I did to begin my healing journey
3. Micros and Macros of Life
4. How I got back on track
5. List of resources that helped me
6. A message to you

1. My Burnout Symptoms

For months leading up to the day, I had pretty obvious symptoms and would have probably been easily diagnosed if I only accepted what was happening. I will categorize the symptoms into physiological and emotional.

Physiological symptoms:

• Constantly low energy. Even if I slept for 8, 9 or 10 hours, I still wasn’t feeling rested in the morning. I worked out, or took a nap… I was still tired. This was the worst for me. I used to define myself by the amount of explosive energy and enthusiasm. That was now gone.
• Trouble sleeping. I kept waking up throughout the night and struggled to get rest. My Oura ring data also confirmed this.
• Slow recovery from exercise. My heart rate was high and heart-rate variability was low after exercise, which is no bueno.
• Lower back pain created by the tension in my stomach.
• Shallow, rapid breathing, mostly from my mouth instead of the nose.

Emotional:

• Inability to feel joy from things that I used to enjoy.
• Chronically elevated stress level for weeks or months, despite taking lots of time off and traveling.
• Struggling to feel emotions. Being like a robot, apathetic, simply focusing on my to-do list and getting through the day by achieving goals.
• Not getting ideas or lacking in creative thinking. As an entrepreneur, I used to get ideas for new companies and products on a daily basis. That was gone.
• Diminishing ambition. I always had big plans and dreams. In the months leading up to the day, these ambitions got smaller and smaller. I went from wanting to build a billion-dollar empire to wanting to become a carpenter and live in the woods, isolated from society.
• Drastically dropping productivity. I wasn’t able to sit down and focus.

It didn’t occur to me that these were symptoms of burnout. I thought I was somehow maturing or growing up. I was in my early 30s and assumed I had crossed some threshold where my priorities changed and I was becoming a more evolved, although miserable, being. Nope.

My friend Mel Miles, who did a lot of researcher and wrote a book on burnout , says that the typical symptoms are:

1. Emotional exhaustion — the fatigue that comes from caring too much, for too long;

2. Depersonalization — the depletion of empathy, caring, and compassion;

3. Decreased state of accomplishment — an unconquerable sense of futility, feeling that nothing you do makes any difference.

With hindsight I can see that’s what I was going through.

2. What I did to begin my healing journey

After sitting there in my home office, staring at the wall for a few hours, I realized something was very fucking wrong. My girlfriend at the time told me what was blatantly obvious to her, that I was burnedout. I still didn’t believe her but was willing to explore the possibility. Here are the exact steps that kicked off my healing journey:

1. Admitting to myself that I might have a mental health problem. Prior to this burnout, I have always prided myself on being the happy, cheerful guy. Whenever someone asked how I was doing, I’d automatically scream out “Fantastic!!!”. I would never admit a bad mood to people around me or myself, I would just power through until I felt better. The first step to feeling good was admitting to myself that I was not feeling good and that’s okay. For me, this first step was by far the most difficult.
2. Asking for help from people in my life. When I shared all of this, I felt stupid. I felt ashamed. I felt weak. Shame is probably the strongest emotion I experienced during those first few weeks. Statistically, women have higher rates of depression than men. Once depressed, men have higher rates of suicide. I’m starting to understand why men never open up, it was humiliating. Not because of the external environment. Everyone was supportive and understanding. Everyone was cheering for me and wanted to help, but the downward spiral of negative thoughts was getting out of control and I made myself feel humiliated.
3. I called my team and told them what was going on. I told them I will be taking two weeks off to figure out what’s wrong. I felt tremendous guilt, like I was too lazy to work and simply was asking for a free vacation. I felt like I wasn’t worthy of the job title and salary. I suddenly felt that I didn’t deserve the lifestyle I’ve created. I am tremendously grateful that I had the opportunity to take time off. I know that very few people in the world have the luxury to simply stop working without jeopardizing their career or financial consequences.
4. Getting professional help. I tried a couple of therapists but I didn’t feel like I was making progress. Coaching, on the other hand, was tremendously helpful. I’ve had a coach for a few years and that felt valuable. That being said, I know that therapy works for a lot of people.

After the initial bogus feelings of shame and overall negativity, I felt that some of the pressure started to ease. I still felt like crap, but at least I could be honest with the people in my life and that was a relief. When I created the space to heal, think and feel, I had an epiphany. I call it the Micros and Macros of life.

3. Micros And Macros of Life

One day, during my healing journey the solution to this whole problem occurred to me. It was so vivid I couldn’t ignore it. Out of nowhere I realized why all of this was happening. Let me introduce the concept of Micros and Macros of Life.

The Micros

Imagine you walk into a bookstore and pick up a book from the self-help section (or you scroll Amazon’s self-help category, you digital monkey). You might read advice on meditation, exercise, breathwork, diet, scheduling, productivity hacks, sleep hygiene, habits, routines, hacks, etc. Notice what they have in commons: they’re all tools. Micros = tools. I have optimized my life for tools. I was really good at it. My day looked like a self-help book:

• Wake up at 6 am after sleeping for exactly 6 sleep cycles on a temperature controlled mattress that Tim Ferriss recommended.
• Take a cold shower and do a 10-minute breathwork exercise.
• Decaf coffee, two glasses of water with lemon (no caffeine allowed, of course).
• Workout for 30 minutes (long enough to get results, but not too long to waste time).
• Go for a 30-minute walk and repeat my incantations (“I am happy, I am wealthy, I am healthy…”).
• Start work at 8 am sharp. For the rest of the day, every 10 minutes of my calendar was blocked off with specific tasks.
• Dinner at 6 pm. Plant-based. Not too late to disturb the sleep.
• To stay in touch with friends, I would organize group dinners. This way I could create a touch-point with 10 different friends during a 2-hour dinner, instead of “wasting’’ 10 x 2 hours with everyone individually. Now I realize how stupid this sounds but at the time I felt like I was being efficient.
• Turn off lights and electronics at 9 pm.
• I didn’t put “evening sex” in my calendar, but honestly I wasn’t far from it.

Sure, all these things are helpful. They can be valuable. But they are tools. You can wake up tomorrow morning and implement all these tools if you want to. Being obsessed with the Micros, gave me the excuse to totally ignore the Macros. When I began my entrepreneurial journey, Tim Ferriss’ book The 4-Hour Work Week was my bible. Tools of Titans was required reading in our apartment. I was searching for the latest productivity hack on a daily basis. Don’t get me wrong. It’s important to exercise and eat clean food. I’m saying it’s LESS important than the Macros, the stuff that really matters in life.

The Macros

The Macros are all the really important things that determine the quality of your life and your happiness. Best way to explain is to give you a breakdown of what I consider my Macros to be:

• Relationship with oneself. Some might call this mental health, emotional health, shadow work, getting your shit together, trauma work… whatever you call it. Your emotional state on a daily basis and the things you feel most of the time define your relationship with yourself. I used to mostly experience frustration and guilt. Those were my favorite flavors of suffering. Whenever negative emotions would pop up, I would simply find something to do, I’d find my to-do list and get busy. Easy, just turn off the feelings. Fyi, this has a side-effect of also turning off the positive feelings.
• Relationship with God (if you believe in one). This one is a touchy subject and personal to everyone’s experience. I’ll just say it’s not something I thought a lot about prior to the day.
• Romantic relationship. I was in the wrong relationship. I knew it. I didn’t have the courage to do the right thing.
• Friends. I disregarded the friendships I had. Like I mentioned earlier, I would try to optimize this part of my life by organizing group dinners. I withdrew. I was hard to reach.
• Family. Just like with my friends, I wasn’t present with my family. I wasn’t there for them. I felt like I didn’t have the capacity to deal with it so I just quietly disappeared. Irish exit.
• Purpose. I didn’t know what my purpose in life was. I still don’t know, but I’m seeking. Back then I wasn’t seeking. I didn’t care. I was focused on making more money, no matter what the cost was.
• Mission. This could be your career, your company. I no longer believed in the mission of the company I helped start and grow. I knew I wasn’t the right person for that position. I knew it wasn’t the right company for me. My heart wasn’t in it. The contracts and equity agreements were designed to incentivize me to stay. Every month I stayed, my net worth grew. I actually promised myself that I’d leave the company earlier that year. The deadline for my leave came and went but somehow I rationalized that another six months wouldn’t hurt. Once I had the money, then I could finally do the things I wanted. Then I would relax and allow myself to be happy.
• Connection with nature. I believe that we’re not meant to be locked up in concrete jungles. I live in Lisbon, Portugal. Beautiful place, full of vibrant restaurants, cafes and I have amazing friends in the city. I love it, but I realized that connection with nature is essential to my well-being. Simple run or a bike ride in a forest will do. Surfing or jumping into the ocean. Climbing a mountain. Whatever helps me turn off my phone and smell the fresh air.

After the day, it was clear to me. I over-optimized my life for Micros and that allowed me to ignore the Macros. If you’re busy implementing every hack from the self-help repertoire you don’t have to pay attention to what really matters… or so I thought.

My friend Martin (left) and I in Guatemala during an ecstatic dance.

4. How I Got Back On Track

Following is a list of actions I took that helped me heal. The burnout happened 12 months ago so I’m writing this with some hindsight. It is a long healing process and I can’t say I’m totally healed yet. There are days when I have to be very careful, but overall I feel great.

• I ended the relationship I was in. I knew it was the wrong relationship for both of us, I just didn’t have the courage. Creating the relationship was actually a goal of mine. I wrote it down in my planner and just like with the other goals, I worked hard to make it happen… meanwhile ignoring the fact that we were not a good match. I lied to myself and I lied to her. I wanted to make it work, so I ignored how I was feeling. It’s one of the hardest things I had to do because I knew it would shatter her world and I knew that I’d be in a lot of pain. She’s a good person and I had good intentions but that doesn’t making it any easier. [Romantic Relationship]
• I left the company that I helped to build. Financially it wasn’t a good move because I was losing a ton of potential money in the future, but in my gut I knew that I didn’t believe in what I was doing and I had to leave. [Mission]
• I did psychedelic therapy. I’ve done a few psychedelic sessions years before my burnout. Once I was on the healing journey, I felt called to take psychedelic medicine again with professional guides, in a controlled environment. If you’re considering this, don’t just take some acid at a party and hope for the best. Professional guidance is crucial. Set and setting will make all the difference. After the big journey, I began a micro-dosing (psilocybin) protocol which lasted for a few months. I still go on micro-dosing hikes in nature about once a month. My good friend Martin has been my psychedelic guide and micro-dosing facilitator. [Purpose, Relationship with Oneself, Relationship with God]
• I took time off work and traveled in Central America for three months. Again, I realized not everyone has the luxury and freedom to do this. If you can take time off to heal and consider what is important in your life, do it. During this time I was able to address past trauma. Basically I became a full-time hippie doing ecstatic dances in Guatemala, surfing in Costa Rica or participating in naked temezcal ceremonies with 20 other truth-seekers in Mexico. [Purpose, Relationship with Oneself, Relationship with God, [Connection with Nature]
• I reconnected with my friends. Started spending one-on-one time and loving every moment of it. I started going out to social events I enjoy. I began initiating fun things to do and planning future gatherings. My tribe has been incredibly helpful in my journey. Every time I would share what I was going through, I received love and support. Thank you! [Friends]
• After the Central America trip, I returned to Portugal but made sure to spend time in nature. I’ve been going to Sintra (small mountain with lush forests near Lisbon) every Friday. Hiking, running, or mountain-biking will do the trick for me. Most weekends I try to spend time in nature. [Connection with Nature]
• This might sound a bit unusual, but racing was part of my healing. I’ve been a petrolhead and racing spectator since I was a kid, but never allowed myself the joy to participate. When I got back, I bought a dream car and started organizing go-karting races for my friends. I guess the umbrella term for this could be hobbies or passions. I’ve always wanted to play guitar, but made all kinds of excuses for why I don’t have time. Now I’m learning to play and can even jam the basic version of Skinny Love by Bon Iver… One of my all-time favorites. [Relationship with Oneself, Friends]

One of the first races of our amateur karting tournament.

• I still create goals and I have things I want to achieve in my life, but I don’t judge my self-worth by the amount of progress I made on these goals. I would like to do certain things, but I am not attached to these outcomes. Some would call this surrender, or detachment from outcome. I’m not perfect, I get attached and frustrated sometimes, but it’s not where I spend most of my mental time. I give myself the chance to be human. [Mission & Purpose]
• If I get stressed, frustrated or other negative emotions creep up, I immediately stop what I’m doing and deal with it. I don’t put it aside and continue in robot-mode. [Relationship with Oneself]
• I guess on paper my life looks less healthy. Sometimes I drink alcohol, I drink coffee daily and I almost always go for dessert at a restaurant. This, however, is not an excuse to be fat or lazy. In the gym, I train like a beast. I’m in the best shape of my life and I’m taking my boxing game to the next level. [Relationship with Oneself]

All this took about 12 months to execute. I am still on the healing journey and learning new things. Investing my energy and time in these Macros had the biggest impact on my happiness and quality of life. I still do the Micros… I go to the gym in the mornings, eat mostly clean food, sometimes I meditate, sometimes I take cold showers, sometimes I look at my goals, sometimes I put things in my calendar, but I’m not obsessed with these tools. Actually, when my Macros are in order, the Micros kind of just happen by themselves. I don’t have to use willpower. I naturally lean towards healthy lifestyle habits. I don’t define success through goals anymore. Success to me is mastering the Macros.

5. List of Resources That Helped Me

If any of this resonates, please, please, please take care of it. Address the Macros today. Ask for help, you’ll be surprised how supportive and understanding people will be. This is a list of tools and resources that were helpful. Again, they are just tools, you have to do the hard inner-work yourself. Make the tough decisions now, you’ll thank yourself later.

• Book: Lost Connections
• Book: The Way Of The Superior Man (for men)
• Psychedelics: Psilocybin in a therapeutic session followed up by micro-dosing protocol. My friend Martin from GuidedByMartin.com has been my go-to “guru”.
• Coaching: David Alison has been my coach for a few years now and I trust him. I give him credit for many of the positive changes in my life. There are many organizations where you can find a good coach. Tony Robbins organization is where I started originally.
• Therapy: I used BetterHelp . Even though I didn’t resonate with therapy personally, I’d still recommend trying it out.
• Ecstatic dance: this one was probably specific to my experience. I had some trauma and a lot of friction attached to dancing. Doing an ecstatic dance helped to work through it.

6. A Message To You

When I first began sharing my burnout experience, I was shocked how many people reached out to me and said they’re going through something similar but feel like they can’t tell anyone because they’re ashamed. Speaking publicly about my experience has also been a part of my healing journey.

If you recognize any of these symptoms in your life, reach out to a friend, find a therapist or a coach. Sharing what you’re going through. Keeping this a secret never leads to good outcomes for you or those you love. The longer you suppress these feelings, the more painful it will be. During burnout, we tend to tell ourselves stories about how we will be perceived. I thought I would be viewed as being weak, lazy, stupid, immature and unmasculine. The opposite was true.

Once you admit this to yourself and the people around you, do whatever you have to do and address the Macros. Those touch decisions are sometimes painful but in the long-run, it’s all worth it, trust me.

Thank you for providing feedback and edits: Mel, Stephane, Martin, Juma, Patryk, Janis, Dad, Diego, Atlas, Lauren, Lubo and David.

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