Michelle’s Prison Journey

Tolstoy’s wonderfully tragic novel Anna Karenina has memorable opening lines. “Happy families are all alike. Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Prisoners’ families each have their own individual history but are alike in their stresses and struggles. That is why when I read a blog from Children Heard and Seen written by Michelle I felt it would be familiar to all those with one parent in prison through Covid times. I have talked to Michelle about her experiences, and here they are in her own words. Her original blog was entitled:

The Wall That Divides Us.?

Michelle’s tale began on her husband’s court sentencing date, December 20th, 2019, which she describes as “the day that changed our lives forever. Five short days before Christmas.” The two of them had tried to explain to their three children what was going on. “We had begun preparing the children for the worst; we have three boys who at the time were 17, 9, and 3, and that Daddy might not be at home for Christmas and had organised early Christmas presents.” Trying to keep everything as normal as possible, the children were sent to school on the court day, the last day of term before the Christmas break. Michelle had told the teachers what was happening in case the three got stressed, given their depression could contrast starkly with the joyous excitement of their classmates as school ended.

Everybody awaiting a sentence says they are prepared for the worst but in truth we all fool ourselves into hoping desperately for the best. Michelle was there on her own to hear the sentence, and to her shock it was even worse than her worst fears as her husband got four years, far more than anticipated for this first offence for which he had expressed sincere remorse. She describes it thus: “I quickly said goodbye through the glass screen of the dock as they led my husband away in handcuffs. I left the court room in tears with my head spinning.” She saw her husband’s legal team disappearing out of sight quicker than Lewis Hamilton on a good day, and after realising they would not come back found a Court Usher to establish what was going on. Could she see her husband before he went to prison? No chance was the polite but harsh response, and he did not even know to which prison Michelle’s partner would be taken.

Reality struck and she continues “I ran from the court to the outside and threw up and then broke down, the realisation had just hit me that not only did I feel completely alone in the world and scared, but I had to go home to my three beautiful boys and tell them that Daddy wouldn’t be home for Christmas, that life as we knew it was changed.”

Deafening Silence

Michelle’s husband was sentenced on a Friday, but there was not one word or call over the following weekend. She called his solicitors’ office on the following Monday, 23rd, to hear a recorded message that they were closed for Christmas. Michelle resourcefully tracked down the local holding prison and eventually got them to confirm he was there and in good health, but that he could not phone his family until his list of numbers was cleared. So, all over Christmas and through to the New Year his wife and children could not even hear his voice. The children must have felt abandoned by him. They could not understand, and indeed nobody can possibly understand this shocking example of bureaucratic cruelty.

Michelle booked a visit for the first week of the New Year, and it was not until the day of that visit her husband got his first phone call through to talk to his children. So added to the shock of their father going to prison, 12 days passed between him leaving them to the youngsters hearing his voice, and all that time they sensed their mother had been desperately scared too. This is unacceptable under any circumstances but not by any means unique. Michelle decided not to take the boys to see him as she feared what she would find. After all, she had not spoken to him either and so did not know what state he was in.?

Added to her depression at this Christmas bereft of one parent was the nagging worry of the future lacking income from the main wage earner. Prison separates families, deprives them of cash, and she found help hard to come by. As well as having to meet all the costs of feeding the family she had to find ￡10 a week to send in for him to be able to make phone calls to keep in contact. People are imprisoned, their families impoverished. Adding to the trauma, from the moment Michelle’s man was convicted and before she even knew to which prison he had been sent, his name and details were on social media and therefore known to all the neighbours, many of whose attitude changed. Michelle was scared that the boys would be bullied, and always relieved that she had told the school in advance what was happening so that they would be aware of potential harassment in the classroom when her kids returned to school. Despite all the difficulties and anguish, the family fought through arranging visits whenever they were available plus attended family services. She says “I felt like I was drowning. I remember thinking at the time, things can’t get any worse, the worst has happened, we can only go up from here. How wrong was I? Covid-19 was about to rear its ugly head.”?

Beyond Nightmares

The family visited on Mother’s Day, March 2020, before any Covid restrictions began, having a feeling it might be the last visit for a short while. Weeks and months passed with no mention at Government Press briefings of what was going to happen with Prisons and visits. Michelle says she felt “hopeless and helpless, the children were scared, what if daddy dies in there from Covid and we never get to see him again? I was scared, what if I got ill and had to go to hospital, who would look after my children? What if I died? We were completely alone, the children didn’t even have school as a safety net as the schools had shut, they didn’t qualify for any special circumstances that allowed them to keep going to school even though having a parent in prison is recognised as an Adverse Childhood Experience. We were all alone with nothing but fear to fill the void, our only solace was the daily phone calls from my husband, he was also scared, he was locked up for 23 and half hours a day, terrified of what was happening on the outside and what was happening to me and the kids and powerless to do anything about it. I feared for his mental health, months of solitary confinement conditions would break the best of us.”?

After 5 months passed Purple (Video) Visits began to be rolled out, but these were actually distressing at the start. So many technical faults, shaky connections, short conversations, frozen images, all causing upset to the children and frustration to the adults. The system could cut out for no apparent reason. Of course it was a new concept, allowing something at least, but not a solution. When visits reopened they were restricted in numbers so one of the children had to stay at home, then all too soon they stopped again. It was then Michelle came across Children Heard and Seen, and contacted them for support. Michelle says that without them she is not sure she could have carried on.

Families of prisoners, including in particular the children, have committed no crime but they are punished and in many ways more harshly punished than those inside. While you are in a cell you are certain of getting food and keeping a roof over your head. Families outside without their key wage earner are always worrying about their next meal and fearing that someone will knock on the door for some debt or other. Children are bullied and mocked because classmates have been wound up by their parents about the evil father who was locked up. They do not understand why as they love their Dad. There is no Officer to guard them. Children Heard and Seen are there helping people through and campaigning for change. For instance, schools receive additional funding to give extra support to army families whilst a parent is serving overseas, but for the families of those in prison, nothing.

The Last Word

The last words are Michelle’s and explain why she wrote and published her blog. “Are we saying as a society that a child’s suffering is justifiable because their parent made a mistake? Prisoner families and moreover prisoners’ children are innocent, they have done nothing wrong. As children they unconditionally love their parent and experience severe trauma when their parent goes to prison. These traumas can lead to a dissociation with law and society which then can lead on to intergenerational offending. Research has shown 1 in 3 boys with a parent in prison will go on to offend themselves.??

“It is time these invisible children are recognised, accounted for and supported from the beginning. Children Heard and Seen have shown in their own statistics that with help and support these children have much brighter future ahead of them, intergenerational offending cut dramatically. Their trauma can be reduced. I implore you for a moment to put yourselves in these innocent, forgotten, children’s shoes and see things from their perspective and to always remember crime does not discriminate, any of us at any time could potentially find ourselves and our children in this situation.?

“We are nearing the end of our prison journey, but the impact it has had on us will remain with me forever, there can be another way to make this better for our children and I am determined in my lifetime to see this change come to fruition, no longer will our children have to think and say it wasn’t me.”

All credit to Michelle and other parents who have the strength to fight and courage to tell their story. It is vital we all listen and act to change this unfairness that is damaging society.?Starved of income, friends deserting you, children harassed and mocked by others, trying to keep going and as a mother having to hide your own emotions from the children so they believe that you at least are in control, it is a battle.?And full support to the children too who often understand more than we realise and help their parents, the one outside and the one inside, as best they can through this nightmare existence. Back to Michelle. “If you are from a family with one parent in prison, get in touch with Children Heard and Seen. They can give you the strength and support to get through as they did for me.”

#prisonreform