Michael Caine vs the Picaroons: The Island

"Just a bunch of arseholes playing Long John f*cking Silver"

Michael Caine as Blair Maynard 

After the box office success of Jaws (1975) and The Deep (1977) the film industry obviously felt that another nautical tale from Peter Benchley was pretty much a sure thing. 

How wrong they were.

This goofy story of an inbred gibberish-spouting colony of the descendants of 17th century pirates preying on yachts in the Bermuda Triangle is a crock, although it does have it's moments. 

Namely the Wild Bunch-style ending when star Michael Caine (who spends most of the picture being abused whilst chained up) wastes the scurvy scalawags with mounted US coast guards ship's machine gun. 

Coming off the back of The Swarm (1978) and Beyond the Poseidon Adventure (1979), Caine was obviously worrying about his next house or restaurant venture, rather than the quality of the script. 

Mo Micklewhite Jr. is joined by a rogues gallery of British character actors playing the bloodthirsty Buccaneers. 

These include Frank Middlemiss (Heartbeat), Dr. Necessiter from The Man With Two Brains (David Warner), Tinker (Dudley Sutton) out of Lovejoy, Bulman (Don Henderson) and Colin Jeavons who played Stamper in the original House of Cards and was also the voice of Barnaby the Bear. 

Caine went onto arse around in the Caribbean again in the even crappier (if possible) Jaws 4: The Revenge (1987).

You know, the film where a relative of the shark killed in Jaws seeks payback on Brody's widow...

The Island:

Beth (Pirate chattel - Angela Punch McGregor): What's that?

Blair Maynard (Michael Caine): It's a drug called cocaine.

Beth: What does it cure?

Blair Maynard: Insecurity.

EXTRA:The Crimson Permanent Assurance (1983, from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life)