A Method of Change, Part 2: Define What You Want

Making a change when you feel stuck or lost can be a complex and multifaceted process requiring awareness, motivation, persistence, and patience. In this three-part series, I break down the approach I often use in my coaching practice to help clients move from their current state of mind so that they can reach the change they desire.

If you missed part one, here's a quick summary: When seeking sustainable change, the first step is expanding your awareness. In its fullest form, awareness integrates your cognitive, emotional, and physical experiences. Becoming conscious of all aspects of your experience can lead you to the source of the misalignment that's causing you stress, confusion, discontent, or stagnation. When you approach change from this fully informed place, you're primed for the next step, which is to define what you want.

To illustrate this phase of the process, I'll share some of the work I did with one of my clients, who I’ll call Adryenn.

Meet Adryenn

Adryenn is a technical founder who was operating in the CEO role when we started working together. She was raising capital, managing her board, architecting the product, and running the business while balancing the demands of being a mom and partner.

Helping Adryenn succeed in her role and move the company forward was the focus of our work, but high levels of anxiety and stress and low levels of joy were holding her back. Adryenn felt she was getting further away from her zone of genius. She knew she needed to make a change but was so overwhelmed that she didn't know where to begin.

I used the following process to guide Adryenn out of her overwhelm and into a space of clarity and creativity. If you need help making a change, give these three steps a try.

Step 1: Assess where you are relative to your Window of Tolerance

If you're feeling triggered and reactive, or numb and "shut down," it helps to know what you’re experiencing from a neuroscientific perspective. I often use the Window of Tolerance to help clients visualize where they are relative to their window and what they need to do to improve their location.

Your Window of Tolerance

The Window of Tolerance is a concept that represents the optimal zone of arousal, where you can effectively manage and cope with the stressors and emotions you experience. When you're within this window, you're more likely to think clearly, make rational decisions, and handle stress in a healthy way.

Imagine your Window of Tolerance as a space between two boundaries: the Hyperarousal boundary and the Hypoarousal boundary.

1. Hyperarousal is the upper boundary of the window, where you may feel overwhelmed, anxious, and highly reactive. When you're in hyperarousal, your fight-or-flight response is activated, making it difficult to think clearly and respond effectively to challenges.
2. Hypoarousal is the lower boundary of the window, where you may feel numb, disconnected, or frozen. In this state, your nervous system is in a "shut down" mode, which can make you feel as if you’ve frozen up, hindering your ability to respond effectively.

Adryenn’s zone of hyperarousal

Adryenn was operating in the zone of hyperarousal. Her amygdala was activated, keeping her in a state of fight-or-flight, which also meant her prefrontal cortex had shut down, inhibiting her executive functioning. Being in this constant state of agitation and survival mode, and weathering the toll it was taking on her and her family, made her question whether she could make it all work.

Once Adryenn knew she was outside her Window of Tolerance, our work focused on helping her get back to operating within it.

Step 2: Return to your Window of Tolerance

Whenever you're in the zone of hyperarousal or hypoarousal, your highest priority needs to be regulating your nervous system and processing the emotions that are present. Until you're back within your Window of Tolerance, your ability to manage stress and make decisions will be impaired, and your ability to align with what you truly want will be out of reach.

Reduce your stress first

One way to reduce stress is called Cyclic Sighing. Here’s how to do it:

• Take a deep breath in through your nose.
• Inhale one more time to max out the inhale.
• Exhale through your mouth with a sigh.

Research shows that even one cycle of this type of breath can significantly reduce your stress in real-time. According to other studies, five minutes of Cyclic Sighing is even more effective in reducing stress than five minutes of meditation.

Process your experience second

Once you feel grounded, you can begin identifying and processing the thoughts, emotions, and sensations that are present. The objective is to shift from ruminating and being absorbed in your feelings to becoming an observer of the thoughts and emotions you are experiencing.

When examining what is present, start with the most superficial aspects. Express the narratives you are telling yourself, your concerns, and any fears. To position yourself as an observer, phrase your observations in a particular way. For instance, instead of saying, "I'm sad/stressed/frustrated," say, "I'm experiencing frustrated thoughts," or "There is a significant amount of stress present in my body right now."

The aim is to analyze each piece of information and delve one layer deeper, ultimately revealing the core fear. If you are unsure how to process the information, there are various methods to consider. You could meditate on the information, or journal it to visually observe your thoughts on paper. Engaging a friend, family member, or professional coach to help you process your experience may also prove beneficial.?

Identify your core fears third

What I’ve found throughout my client work is that there’s usually at least one, if not more, core fear at the root of every issue. The most common core fears are the loss of acceptance, safety, control, and connection.

It’s helpful to uncover the fear that’s driving you because it can be a clue to what you want. Every core fear typically has a corresponding core desire, as they often represent two sides of the same coin. These desires represent the positive outcomes or states that you seek to achieve in order to alleviate or counteract your fear.

Adryenn’s moment of truth

Before we could start working on what Adyenn wanted, we focused on getting her to a more grounded place so she could think clearly. Once she was back within her Window of Tolerance, we discovered that beneath the stress associated with being the CEO was a truth she hadn't yet faced.?

Adryenn wasn't enjoying the things she was responsible for doing, nor did she believe she was good at them. She felt that being CEO was taking her further away from what she loved most and why she founded the company in the first place: to write code.

Once we established that truth, we played with the idea of her shifting from CEO to CTO. Imagining that possibility raised questions like, “Who am I without the CEO title? What would a change mean for my future? Would I be seen as a failure?”?

These questions helped us explore how she was relating to her fears, desire for acceptance, and control. We also examined her want for connection related to her partner and kids.

Once we allowed all of this to be present, we envisioned the life she desired and imagined the steps she'd need to take to get there.?

Step 3: Define what you want and the path to getting it

To access creativity and generate possibilities, you must be within your tolerance window and free of unprocessed emotions. That said, knowing what you want is often more challenging than knowing what you don't want.

Self-discovery questions

If you’re still struggling to define what you want, here are ten questions to ask yourself:

1. What are my values and priorities in life? Reflecting on your values and priorities can provide insight into what you consider important and meaningful.
2. What are my passions and interests? Learning how to rekindle your passions and interests can help identify areas where you find satisfaction and purpose.
3. What are my unique strengths and talents? Understanding your strengths and talents can guide you toward opportunities where you can excel and feel confident.
4. What aspects of my current personal or professional life do I enjoy most? Identifying enjoyable aspects of the different parts of your life can provide clues to where you find fulfillment.
5. What would I change about my current situation if I could? Exploring areas of dissatisfaction can reveal unmet needs or desires.
6. What does my ideal personal or professional life look like? Visualizing your ideal life helps you discover your aspirations and long-term goals.
7. What fears or obstacles are holding me back from pursuing what I want? Understanding the barriers you face can inform the development of actionable strategies to overcome these challenges.
8. What have I always wanted to try or explore but never had the chance? Uncovering unexplored interests or opportunities can spark new ideas for you to consider.
9. What would I be doing right now if money and time were not a concern? This question helps remove practical constraints and encourages you to think more freely about your desires.
10. How would I define success and fulfillment in my life? Understanding your personal definition of success and fulfillment can provide a more precise direction for your goals.

Adryenn’s reflection and plan

Once Adryenn openly and honestly reflected on what she wanted, we aligned her stated goals and desires with what was possible now versus what could be possible in the future. We did a similar accounting of what the business needed now and what it could handle in the future.

Adryenn made some tradeoffs that granted her more opportunities to code so she could infuse her work with more joy. While the shift from CEO to CTO was appealing, she committed to revisiting that option after the company secured its round of funding.

Through this work, Adryenn gained tools to manage her stress, along with clarity and focus. She felt great relief and gratitude for a process that helped her build a plan of action, and achieve the confidence to make decisions that aligned with what she wanted.

Next step

Now that you've expanded your awareness, ensured you’re in your optimal state of mind, and defined what you want, you can start taking action toward your goal with intention and clarity. I cover this part of the process in the third and final article.

Do you want to make a change and need some support? You can learn more about my practice and the types of clients I work with by visiting my website or connecting with me on LinkedIn.