The Messy Truth of A Real Man

Show you have it all together, go it alone, project strength over weakness, disown any hint of tenderness and definitely don’t talk about not feeling like you’re enough… even to your closest guy friends.

The deeper message our men have carried is that being a “real man” means wearing an emotional straightjacket!

What I’ve seen in the go-getter guys that I interview is a way of being in their manhood that is forging a way to a more balanced expression of their desire to be all they can be rather than via the old way of starving out the authentic to push through to some culturally ingrained goal. These fellows are not willing to follow the old paradigm because it has shown to breed loneliness, superficiality and addiction in their lives, even addiction to the supposed things that are good for them.?

Have it Together

They’ve found that much is missing in all of the “trying to have it together”.

"I'm truly an expert on not being an expert," Christopher M Bennett, cofounder of Aligned Living, a virtual addiction recovery and mental health aftercare program, chuckled warmly.?

"I don't have it all together by any means. Each day, I relearn that there is much to explore within myself and this world. My most profound moments happen when I am not seeking them and I'm a big believer that moving forward happens when I increase my capacity to pause and just be, versus constantly pushing myself to be more.”

The ‘Stair Step’ Model and The Integration Principle

Moving forward happens when we increase the capacity to pause and just be…?

This reminded me of ?The Integration Principle, one of the most profound principles I’ve been sharing with my clients for over 20 years now. When they are in an overwhelmed, ungrounded or confused state, I invite them to pause and feel how the energies are either moving or not in their body and mind… to be with their - in this moment experience - in order to progress in the upwardly mobile direction they truly wish to grow in.?

Try this on for a moment…

Imagine a stair step, the tread (the horizontal part that you step on) and the riser (the vertical part that creates the upward mobility). The analogy works great to show how growth happens best when there’s the dance-riser-upward action followed by a flat-tread-rest-integration period.?

While these two are equally important and calculated as such on a staircase; in our nervous systems, we can and do find our own balance in the dance and rest phases, they won’t be exactly equal. This “balance” requires a certain level of self awareness when the body and mind begin to feel overwhelmed. The typical tendency is to use some coping mechanism to move the overwhelm away from the center of our experience. (For a detailed article on how we can easily resolve these tendencies… see My Theory on Overwhelm)

My point is…

The discovery of how much pausing, rest and integration we need in order to do our best learning and growing is one that most of us habitually skip over.?

The old way of striving

The way of striving to be more more more... takes no stock in balance and is an outdated way of being human.

Within our conversations, the theme of embracing imperfection and resisting cultural pressures towards rigid or dogmatic personal routines arose again and again. Christopher described how he used to meticulously plan out his training for an upcoming backcountry adventure, only to arrive at the trailhead and toss that plan aside in favor of simply experiencing the joy of moving his body freely, without attachment to the goal of getting to the top.

"The truest success for me is just coming home safe, not needlessly pushing myself into danger for the sake of sticking to some preconceived agenda or egoic narrative," he shared.

"So much of my conditioning encouraged reaching for greater and greater outcomes and in the end created a feeling of not being good enough, man enough and therefore unworthy of love and belonging and this was likely the root of my tendency to place such rigid expectations on myself."

Internalized Belief Systems

Despite being an accomplished athlete, successful entrepreneur and leader in the behavioral health space, Christopher carried the harsh insidious voice of a wounded inner critic relentlessly telling him, "Do more, acquire more, prove your worthiness…”, which he traced back to childhood familial experiences and societal narratives around masculinity.

With a beautifully relaxed mix of self compassion and pride, Christopher described the cathartic process of doing inner child work, somatic therapy, and men's work with a beloved mentor and teacher, Dr. Hanalei Vierra, PHD. "It allowed me to lovingly reparent that wounded eight-year-old self who armored up and unconsciously operated from a fight-or-flight protective patterning for so long."

When acting from that wounded space, he admitted that every perceived failure, rejection or conflict gets taken as an intense personal indictment on his character and worthiness. This created tremendous challenges in his relationships, work dynamics, and overall sense of emotional maturity and wholeness. By the time he was 35, he was in what he saw as a “mid-life crisis”. He was divorced, had ruined relationships with work partners due to his -egotistical- righteous- I know best- so listen to me- attitude and on the outside, everything looked great. But, he was experiencing pure misery.

“I needed an ego death.”

“At the same time, my dad died. He was 61, a tri-athlete, full force entrepreneur who worked 60 hour work weeks. He lived and died with unresolved psychological and emotional experiences that probably contributed to his early death. I looked at it and thought, “What’s the point? …To work your life away?... I was cracked open and started to truly pay attention. Before, I was defensive and not listening to what was really important.”

Like so many others who finally realize they have been leading with their ego-protection mechanisms, Christopher shared that when he realized he was operating from a constant state of fight or flight followed by little copings… “I knew how to breathe my way through a difficult situation or move my body to relieve the pressure for a bit, but meanwhile I was in a sympathetic nervous system response that was my baseline. The reactivity that was my norm was no longer working for me in my business or my close relationships.”

"There are no simple solutions to the intricacies of being human," Christopher continued. "We are beautifully flawed and messy beings - and that's precisely the point. My companies were created to provide trauma-informed care that meets people where they are without judgment."

Rather than dictating a designed structure from an external and subjective authority, Aligned Living's philosophy centers on holding space for individuals to uncover their own inner wisdom and truth as experts of their personal journey.

I was struck by Christopher's depth of self-awareness around all of this. His willingness to bear his brilliance and insecurities, victories and mistakes, with an unwavering commitment to keep showing up for the personal work of integrating the wisdom he’s gathered within his own struggles.

"The real wisdom is learning to slow down, pause, and make peace with shaky and unfamiliar ground. I can find wholeness in the good and the bad," he told me. "Not getting lured into painful cycles by that harsh inner voice, but instead staying radically curious and holding it all with compassion."

Near the end of our chat, I asked Christopher - What he would want to be remembered for??

"I’d love to be remembered as someone who embodied the fullness of the human experience.. to be known as someone who took wild chances and was vulnerably present with what truly mattered - adventure, family, freedom, impact, and love. While I have this opportunity, it’s my intention to create a life brimming with profound experiences and deep connections. No more, no less."

As I reflected further, what struck me most was Christopher's commitment to listening to the voice of his soul at every turn. Not getting too attached to specific plans, outcomes or social expectations, but remaining open to those unexpected revelations that arrive only when we pause and allow control to truly be surrendered.??

His life's work extends far beyond building successful businesses. What Christopher Bennet exemplifies is an Aligned Living and breathing invitation to get to The Gut Level and stare down outdated toxic masculinity while showing up each day in ways that are truly present for ourselves and our loved ones.

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It's time to redefine what it means to be a "real man." Reject the emotional straightjacket and embrace your vulnerability, imperfections, and the full depth of your humanity. Surround yourself with those who inspire and encourage you to live with radical authenticity, self-compassion, and emotional wisdom.?

More men are rising up in their willingness to courageously pave the way towards a new paradigm of honest and integrated masculinity where they are taking the lead in their own healing while receiving the support and compassion of others who admittedly are going through something very similar.?

The messy reality is… we all need to feel free to find our uniquely balanced way and it’s not always as easy as it seems.

Check out Aligned Living, The Gut Level and The Opportunity Collective if you’re on the journey of wholehearted and real everyday healing, embodiment and people centric, mission driven balanced growth. As always, reach out to me directly if you'd like one to one therapeutic coaching. [email protected]