Messes and Meditation

Well, it's official. I have checked item number one off of my bucket list and to be honest it was truly amazing. This might be because of who I was with when I completed it or the three glasses of wine I drank that gave me some liquid courage, but either way I have never felt so relaxed and carefree while doing something. I never expected that the first thing I would do for this list could result in such strong feelings and I hope the trend continues.

To give you a bit of a background, I can be really uptight. I blame it on the OCD but it gets to be a problem sometimes. I cannot fall asleep if I see part of my sheet is not tucked in properly on my bed, I have nightmares about my closet getting mixed up and no longer being organized by color in order of the rainbow, I put my shoes in the exact same place every night, and I schedule everything down to when I am going to eat in my calendar (quick plug - use google calendar it will literally save your life). Needless to say, I am basically always stressed which can make it very hard to function at times.

So, as I was brainstorming what to do as my first item on my bucket list, I knew I wanted to do something that would help me calm down; even if it was just for five minutes. I started expressing this to a friend of mine and she detailed how painting was her best form of stress relief; I was instantly against it. How could something so messy and so easy to ruin be relaxing? I had images of paint on my clothes and an unidentifiable mess of a painting flash through my mind. What if I messed up and I can't start over? What if I get some on my clothes or the floor? Won't that make a big mess I have to clean up? So many questions and worst-case scenarios began going through my head, and that is when I realized it was the most fitting thing for me to try first. The entire goal of this is to get out of my comfort zone, and making a mess was the perfect start.

That night we grabbed two huge canvases (go big or go home right?), two bottles of wine and more paint than either of us will ever know what to do with. I ordered Chinese takeout, we turned on a movie, and I faced my fear. Boy did I face it. By the end I was laughing and just splattering paint anywhere I could find white space. I didn’t look at an image and try to make this perfect copy of the picture a reality on canvas, I just painted. It was the least stressed and uptight I have been in months and for once I wasn't worried about what I needed to get done that night, I was just reveling in my brief moment of being an artist.

I love what I painted - sunflowers because they remind me of my tattoo. They are not perfect and the colors and shapes are way off but to me it is spectacular. I am proud to now have a paint-splattered backpack and a nasty hangover; they are my battle scars from facing my fears. I did not finish my homework but I didn't even care because I was letting loose in such a new and exciting way. This makes me even more anxious to see what I decide to check off next and ready to keep painting. I found art is not meant to be perfect but to evoke a feeling. Mine was one of peace and there aren't enough words or blogs in the world to explain how truly relieving that was for me. It was my own form of meditation and I cannot express enough how much I suggest anyone reading this to give it a try. What's the worst that could happen, you make a mess?