Message Received: 5 Key Considerations about Virtual Communication

“Listen with curiosity. Speak with honesty. Act with integrity. The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words.” – Roy T. Bennett

I learned early on that nobody gives a damn what you are saying if you don't express it in a way they can understand. In fact, I was speaking with a client last week and very quickly, I began to understand that we were struggling to communicate effectively...primarily because of a lack of shared understandings regarding business terms--and the challenge of reading between the lines of virtual messages. Thankfully we were able to clear up the confusion and continue working together, but it reminded me of a very important topic that many of us don't spend enough time analyzing: virtual communication etiquette.

If your life is anything like mine, you get a lot of messages from people all over the globe...and sometimes it is hard to decipher their tone or true meaning because oftentimes, it is sent through iMessage (or WhatsApp , my personal favorite) or some other virtual medium. Now let's face it, virtual mediums have become the primary form of communication for some of us, especially those of us who travel a lot and move around from year to year. Unfortunately, virtual communication is a lot more complicated than face-to-face because we don't have as many social cues to read and understand what message is being portrayed. In fact, communications coach and theorist Nick Morgan researched the state of virtual communications (for his book) and found three key takeaways:

• all virtual relationships degrade over time
• intent frequently gets misconstrued in virtual communications
• trust and commitment in the virtual world are weaker and lower than in the face-to-face world

In an increasingly virtual world, it will be of utmost importance for us to get better at virtual communication, so allow me to share a few things that I have learned along the way!

1. It's not what you say, its how you say it - Back in the day, I was the kid that was always talking, texting (when I had minutes), emailing, and instant messaging (shoutout to AIM, MSN Messenger, 雅虎 Messenger, and the chat rooms we frequented). As I became more adept at virtual messaging, I noticed that some conversations were more effective than others...and it came down to an age-old realization that my mom told me before: it's not what you say, it's how you say it. In virtual communication, we must remember that tone can easily be misinterpreted or misunderstood. Depending on our goal, being mindful of our language usage can be the make or break regarding the direction of our conversation. Formatting differences like caps lock, italics, and boldface can make a big difference in tone, along with punctuation and usage of emojis (or GIFs). The more mindful we can be of our tone, the more successful our communication could become.
2. ...being left on read - Okay, let's get one thing out of the way: I am terrible at messaging most people back. That goes for texts, emails, and chats--I'm all-around horrible (mainly because my phone is always on Do Not Disturb). You see, my personal system is manly in congruence with my understanding of response timing and/or 'being left on read.' I would imagine that nobody likes being left on read, but must also remember that not everyone necessarily cares as much as others. Being mindful of when we send messages is a great starting point to virtual communication, especially when being considerate of differing time zones and hours of operation for people. Sometimes, people may be sleeping, working, resting, chatting, eating, or a number of any other reasons why they might not respond right away. We must be aware of that, while also considering the fact that they may just not want to talk at that moment. Either way, responding in a timely manner shows respect for the other person’s time, but we would be best served to also understand how/when our recipients best receive messages and try to avoid expecting instant replies (unless its urgent).
3. Respect people's boundaries and channels - As a professor and businessman, I work diligently to keep my communication channels in proper order. In fact, I legitimately have differing channels for communication with different people and their differing capacities. In order for us to be great communicators in the virtual world, we must always remember to choose the right platform to send and receive messages. If the scenario is quite formal, stick to emails. For more informal chats, use the chat apps and channels that are most appropriate for communication (which need to be established). It is important to also be mindful of chat contexts; texting/messaging about work after work hours can cause a disturbance with our connection to the people around us. Using the correct medium and considerate timing shows consideration for the context of the communication, especially when dealing with the multifaceted nature of our connections to people and how each of us wants to be communicated with! Oh, and while we are on the subject, be and adult and remember that it is always best practice to not share people's contact information with others--unless you explicitly given permission to do so. That is a boundary that should never be crossed.
4. Get to the point - Listen, the one thing that can usually drive me up the wall are people who send long messages/emails (otherwise known as writing someone a book) and never actually get to the damn point. When communicating virtually, it's best to send messages that are to the point. It is typically best to avoid unnecessary information and stick to the major points, while also using the message as an opportunity to set a formal meeting to chat in detail (potentially virtual on Zoom or 微软 Teams). Regardless, clarity is crucial to the success of virtual communications, since there’s no immediate opportunity to explain or clarify (unlike in vocal communication). Get to the point, and remember that some people don't enjoy texting and virtual chatting all day like some others.
5. Emojis & GIFs - One of my favorite parts about virtual communication is the usage of creative assets like emojis and GIFs to portray a message, reaction or understanding. Although they can be fun, creative, and admittedly amusing...we must remember that there is a time and place for their inclusion. It is equally important for us to be very mindful of how those emojis or GIFs can change the entire conversation. I understand that some of us are more playful, edgy, or comedic than others, but a careful understanding of our recipient (and the nature of our relationship with the) is paramount to ensuring that there are no misunderstandings or wires crossed! For example, using an emoji like ?? can have vast implications, along with something like ??. Heck, even adding a ?? can change the message from something meant to be funny to something disrespectful. The correct timing and usage of emojis and GIFs is an important conversational aspects that we must learn to properly navigate--or suffer the awkward silences of points two and three.

Our physical communication includes the look on our faces, the clothes we wear, the accessories we include (such as my usual Ray-Ban x Meta Wayfarers or Ray-Ban Clubmasters w/ Apple Airpod Max headphones), and even our body language...but many of us don't think about how virtual communication can be far more complex! Our world is becoming more and more virtual by the minute (especially here in Silicon Valley), so it will be increasingly important for us to continually adapt to the changing etiquette of communication if we wish to keep in contact with our people in an effective manner. No matter what we do, we are constantly communicating (even by the tone and setup of our social media accounts)...so developing an intimate understanding of do's and don'ts in virtual communication can help to ensure that our messages are received in the manner/tone that we intend.

Let's be intentional, good folks.

-Dr. Savant ??

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