The Message

If you would like to listen to the podcast episode on this topic click the appropriate link for your phone at the bottom of this article.

Do you know that most parents have little if any understanding that everything they say and do is being watched, interpreted and ingested by their children?

How many parents realise they are constantly being observed and that their children are forming impressions about themselves based upon observing them?

As a professional social worker or as a professional who works with children and parents in some way or another, you'll have an understanding of what I am saying here; but it goes far deeper than most of us are consciously aware of.

We are communicating to our children and to others even when we have no awareness or intention of doing so.

What am I talking about?

Does that make any sense at all?

Let me put it to you this way, because you are not intentionally communicating something it does not mean that someone observing you is not taking something, or interpreting something from your words, silence, actions, gestures or body language.

What we have to realise is that even when we are consciously trying to communicate things to others; the recipients of our communication do not necessarily grasp the meaning of what was intended to be conveyed.

The margin for error is huge and the potential to miss the mark is great also because most of our communication is communicated non verbally. So there can often be a big difference between the message you want to convey and the message that is received.

The communication between children and parents or adults is complex and confusing, for children as well as adults.

As Virginia Satir states: "the message sent is not always the message received."

This is because children are very vulnerable, sensitive and dependent on their parents and can often misconstrue what parents are saying; or assume they are making a comment about them, when a parent hasn't even opened their mouth.

Children are extremely sensitive to the actions of their parents and often assume far greater responsibility for a parent's behaviour than is commensurate with their power and influence as a child.

So for example, a child whose parent commits suicide may harbour the belief that if only they had loved their parent more that they would still be alive today.

Equally significant,, because parents are not always cognizant of their child's sensitivity and vulnerability, they tend to minimise the impact their actions, or lack of action can have on their child.

It is so easy for an adult to crush a child's dreams or impair a child emotionally due to thoughtless comments or remarks.

For these reasons it is really important to think about how we as adults communicate with our children and with others generally. Recognising that we need to be conscious not only about what we say and of the non verbal way we communicate (which makes up a much more important element of our communication, than the verbal part).

But that in addition, communication is a two way process, and that particularly when communicating with children that it is so important to be sensitive, and diligent enough to ascertain what the child takes or understands from your communication.

Bearing in mind also that even when you are not intending to communicate anything that your child, or the child you may be working with, considers that you are.

It reminds me of something parents and witnesses who are attending court need to constantly bear in mind, when in the witness box and outside of it. Namely, that they are always being scrutinised whether they are aware of it or not.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/incredible-witness/id1679934113

https://open.spotify.com/show/5w3CWjV1CcwdsA7tTiAPVO?si+43d84dcf6c8049ed