The Ment(r)ee

Today I had a relaxing afternoon in my garden. While letting my thoughts flow freely and staring at a well-groomed apple tree, a nice analogy came across my mind (I think I'm not even the first to think of it). I'd like to share my thoughts, and if you're also into #mentoring (or considering to become a mentor), I can maybe inspire you a bit. If I'm writing nonsense, or missing out anything, please let's discuss it in the comments below.

When I plant a tree, I'm aware (and hope) that it will be there much longer than me. It will probably outlive me by decades (or even centuries, depending on the species). But that doesn't stop me because I wish to take care of it, and to make it become a large, healthy tree, producing many tasty apples. And I decide carefully when I select the right tree:

• I select the kind of tree I know something about. I know its general abilities, and I know what it needs to grow in a healthy manner. If I see any knowledge gaps, I even educate myself before blindly buying any tree.
• I select it because I'm interested in what it can do. If I don't like plums, I wouldn't plant a plum tree. But I like apples, and I know how good apples taste and look like.
• I select it even tough (or because?) it has totally different abilities. No, I can neither produce oxygen nor grow apples myself. So it's not like I'll be its "teacher" or "coach", or some kind of "senior apple tree".

So I dig a hole, give it the right soil and fertilizer without knowing how it feels like to "eat" through roots. I won't "eat" soil nor fertilizer, and on the other hand, the tree won't appreciate getting a good chunk of Jamón Ibérico (not even my favorite burger with bacon, Gorgonzola cheese, and fig jam!). We need very different things to grow, and that's something I can't ignore. We even consume our water in different ways. Why is that important? Well, my little apple tree doesn't always have a choice. I have to help it a bit to have a good start in my garden. It doesn't matter what I need or how I would thrive with my feet buried in wet soil. What's good for me can be bad for my tree, and vice versa.

When it's planted, I stabilize my tree with a stick to help it withstand really bad weather during the first years. It may not be used to a heavy thunderstorm, so I support it to survive those conditions until its roots are so strong that it doesn't need the stick anymore. One day it will be much stronger and resistant than I am, and I will be proud and happy to know it.

Speaking of resilience - if it's a healthy tree, it will be able to defend against many threats itself. But sometimes it really needs my help. I remove the nests of these nasty apple moths, and sometimes I need to fight powdery mildew before it spreads further. What ever I do, my aim is to make it strong enough to live its life and grow alone, even when I'm not around anymore. I cut a bit here and there to keep it a little bit in shape, but the best practice is to let it grow as it wants to. Forcing it into a direction doesn't necessarily mean it stays healthy, or produces more apples. Even worse, it may start growing into a very ugly shape, and it will forever stay like that because some mistakes can't be corrected. Anyway, it's impossible to enforce growing in general. If it doesn't "want" to grow another twig on a particular branch, I can't simply pull it there. The tree has to grow itself, and I can only feed and support it.

Once a year, it returns a bit of the favor and gives me apples, but I'm taking care of it all the time and not only when I get something back. Got it? It's not about me, the gardener. I'm not better in any way, and I don't do all this work because I want some "return on investment" (I'm not a plantation owner). When people give their compliments, they usually mean the tree but not the time, money and efforts I spent grooming it. However, I'm feeling proud and happy when someone praises the beautiful tree or its tasty apples.

I have completely different abilities and strengths, and it can do things that I will never be able to do myself. But without me, it won't be living in this environment where it can grow to become the best apple tree around. That's the biggest reward and motivation for me: I've been working in the background all the time, but I see it was worth all the efforts when I see my tree getting all the praise it deserves.

So if I'm a good gardener, my tree will become taller, stronger, older than me. For a while, it will give me apples, but it will feed many people after me who may not even know my name. And all the passion that I put into the tree will live on with it.

Now a hard cut, from the romantic garden picture back to human mentees:

• Stay humble and on eye level. It's not about you as a mentor, it's all about the mentee. If you're considering to become a mentor only to feed your own ego or to push your own career, forget about it.
• When deciding to start a mentor relationship, make sure you have the right skills, mindset, and knowledge for it. You don't have to be an expert in what the mentee is aiming for, but you should have an idea of what good looks like. Unlike the tree, the mentee has a choice whom to work with, and it won't last long if you don't talk the same language (figuratively speaking).
• Don't try to enforce growth in a particular direction if your mentee doesn't want it. It will simply not work, and waste time for both of you. You may give a friendly push and some inspiration on the way, but remember that you just help your mentee to achieve her or his goals. Not your goals. If the mentee doesn't seem to have any goals, it's your job to help identifying areas of interest and talents, and to give some orientation. Just a little direction. You're not the taxi driver but a random guy who shows how to hold the street map and where the really nice spots are.
• You may not be there for your mentee forever, so avoid creating a strong dependency on your person. Instead, make sure the mentee gains all the knowledge, skills, and tools that are required to survive without you. One day your mentee will simply do all the work without asking you for any advice. Even better, you may suddenly get useful hints you didn't think of. Mission completed, congratulations.
• What's in for you? Probably not precisely what you expect, but rest assured that you will learn and grow yourself a lot on the way. And once you see your first mentor go out and succeed independently, you will experience how it feels like to have a real, positive impact on someone else's life. Trust me, this is more satisfying than any reward you may get.

Finally, some more food for thought: It's completely ok to be both a tree and a gardener at the same time. It works in many directions. If someone asks you to be her or his mentor, and you feel able to be it, embrace the honor and be the best mentor you can. If someone offers to be your mentor, and you think it would help to achieve your goals, embrace the honor and take this unique chance to grow with someone else's help.