Mentors: 3 Top Tips for Choosing a Mentor and Other Stories

When I was 24 years old, I approached Toke Moeller to be my mentor. My heart was beating, I was definitely anxious about being rejected. Trust had never come easy to me. You can imagine my reaction when his first answer was:

“No.”

My heart sank.?

He let the silence sit for a while.?

I knew I was not good enough. I had known all along.

Then he said:

“But I would love to learn with you along the way, if you would like that.”

I raised my eyes and met his. This was an invitation to learn together. An invitation to rise into my confidence and be in partnership with someone I considered beyond me in almost every way possible. This was how it was going to be, even his first response was reaching into me and pulling me up and out into the world.

“Yes,” I said. “I would love that.”

Then I bit my lip so as not to pour out “thank you" five hundred times. After all, he invited me to be in it with him. The right invitation at the right time.

This has been my experience of the mentors who have tracked me through my life. Their support has been a fit for the need of where I am at that moment. They didn’t try and convince me their approach or product was the best and I should go out and replicate it. Each of them in their own way, helped me find mine.?

Every time I messed up, there was no recrimination, just a concerted effort to work with me as I picked up the pieces, learned, and architected the next step. When I succeeded, I could always hear a cheer from the sidelines, often accompanied by a warning not to get lost in the euphoria, “stay alert, Tim, stay present.”

Fundamentally, in some of the most pivotal moments of my life and career I have not been alone. I have been held, uplifted, challenged and cajoled by mentors.

I was lucky to be picked up by mentors early in my career. Margaret Wheatley used to come and work with us at my company in the Netherlands. When she was in the country she would run an event or a training session with us, and often not charge for her time. Not only did this uplift our business but we were also exposed to her cutting edge thinking and guidance as we grew into our own leadership and built our business.

I remember we were half-way through an event and I was feeling very frustrated with some of the participants. They were too esoteric and unpragmatic for me in their responses.

“Why can’t they just get real? Don’t they realize the hippy movement is over and we are in new times now? There are real and tangible tough challenges to tackle!” (insert exasperated sigh from Tim)

Then Margaret dropped a zinger that has stayed with me ever since:

“The things I find most irritating about others are usually parts of myself I have not come to peace with, or don’t like about myself. If I want to work with diverse groups of people, I have to explore the parts of myself that get in the way of me being helpful.”

Ouch. This was suddenly about me and how I reacted. I thought it was all about THEM needing to change.?

Margaret put the change needed squarely back into a realm where I had influence - my own behavior and beliefs. It was the beginning of a long journey of self knowledge, exploring my own potential and resources. I have spent my career working since then in complex groups seeking to get audacious change done. My ability to stay centered in the midst of all the interpersonal dynamics, power plays, strategy and creativity is key to the successes I have been able to be part of.

I came up with some key things to look for as you consider inviting someone to be a mentor, or to help you discern, if someone has invited you to learn with them over time:

1. A drive to uplift others - the best mentors have a passion for seeing others grow. It is not only about replicating themselves or their method (though it can be a vehicle for advancement and growth), they are genuinely engaged in your path. These people have the capacity to inspire, commiserate, empathize, challenge, and more based on the needs of the stage of life and career you are at.
2. An approach rooted in curiosity - all of my mentors have asked me questions that have changed the course of my work, on specific projects and the bigger trajectories of my career. The questions have helped me find my own answers, given me the opportunity to build my own path. Look for someone who is growing, has a love of learning, that you can see has changed and continues to change. They will travel with you and not trap you in dogma.
3. The courage to break new ground - I have always sought out people who are willing to live by their convictions and break new ground. They know what it is to build a reputation and to risk it. This for me has been a sign that they will help me do the same both personally and professionally.

Tim Merry is an engagement specialist and systems change strategist who works with organizations from all over the world to lead breakthrough change. For over 20 years Tim has helped major international businesses, government agencies, local communities and regional collaboratives to create the conditions for people to organize together and solve their own problems. Tim founded The Outside with Tuesday Ryan-Hart in 2018, and together they have built a remarkable team to spark systems change towards greater equity.?

Tim is one of the co-founders of the Art of Hosting, has been a supporter and board member of the Berkana Institute and is a co-founder of the Hub South Shore. He founded the Split Rock Learning Centre, a youth drop in centre in Yarmouth, Nova Scotia, was one of the founders of Engage InterAct in the Netherlands. In 2019, he launched Mahone Bay United, an all inclusive soccer club in his hometown of Mahone Bay, Nova Scotia.