Mentoring disengaged and behaviourally challenged youth!

How to deal with ‘angry and frustrated’ people!

I guess if there I one area (situation) that I am often asked to provide advice on, it is how do we deal with the attitudes and behaviours of the younger generations and in particular our apprentices in that 16-to-25-year age bracket?

I have written this article from the perspective of being a workplace mentor, but many of these principles and theories can easily be applied in any environment or context where cross generational relationships exist. Elements of this article also come from lived experiences through the raising of six teenage children when my second wife and Jeanette first decided to tie the knot.

In the early stages of our marriage in 2021 our family unit grew exponentially with what could be classed as a modern-day Brady Bunch, we had six teenagers, three boys and three girls aged between 13 and 19, all trying to identify their space, role, positioning and relationships within this new family structure. Compounding our challenge was a distinctive miss match of personalities, emotions, and uncertainty. Let me state that in those earlier days we certainly had some challenges, when their hormones, egos, and personal values all collided.

In hindsight, the most significant moment of change took place when Jeanette and I made it mandatory for everyone to sit down as a family and discuss values, a set of guiding principles and behavioural expectations that we would all hold each other to account for. Jeanette and I had been facilitating similar workshops with our clients using a tool called the Values Game which included using a deck of 48 values cards with a clear definition of what each stood for in different contexts.

The outcome of this three or so hours of open discussion, (we gave them all a voice and opportunity to contribute), was foundational and a building block for what is now a tight knit group of siblings who care for each other, and all now interact with their own families regularly. The fact that during that three hours we were able to hear individually their concerns, what was important to them in this new family structure, and most importantly why?

As parents, we learnt so much, this intelligence also became foundational in some of our professional work as workplace mentors, with some of our observations and lessons learnt becoming foundational principles in my published book ”The Power of Mentorship’.

Some of the material presented in this article comes from that same text. Copies of the entire book are available upon request.

At some time as a mentor, you may also be faced with an angry and frustrated Mentee. The insights in this article might assist in having a more productive and outcomes-based discussion with them in relation to understanding their motivation (State), future needs, and a possible resolution.?

More often, it’s not the events of this world that make them angry.?It is their own “hot thoughts, perceptions, and reactions” to what’s happening around them that create their anger. Even when a genuinely negative event occurs, it is the meaning they attach to it (the inferences) that often determines their emotional response and the resultant level of frustration.

What we have learnt from recent studies in Neuroscience is that Serotonin plays an important role in regulating our mood, appetite, sleep, and social behaviour. Unfortunately, many adolescents due to a range of different lifestyle factors (choices) demonstrate slow development of the frontal lobes of the brain. This often impacts their cognitive development and rationalised decision making, with this lack of appropriate levels of Serotonin often contributing to and escalating behavioural issues.?

Thinking about this issue subjectively, I would argue that the idea suggesting we are responsible for our anger is ultimately to our advantage because it gives us the opportunity to either achieve or lose control, and as?a consequence make a free choice about how we want to feel and behave in response to different events.?If it were not for this capability, our teenagers would be helpless to control their emotions; they would be bound up with every external event, most of which are ultimately out of their control, and as emotionally charged adolescents they often react accordingly.

Most of the time, anger does not help us. In fact, it often immobilises us, and we become frozen in our hostility to no productive purpose. We would feel better if we could rationalise the situation and place emphasis on the active search for a creative solution.

Unfortunately, this perceived lack of rationalisation skills generally inhibits youth from making well considered decisions, they are often reactive to feedback, directives, and tasks which don’t align with their thoughts and preferences, and also of those within their peer group.

This being the case, what can you do to correct the this difficulty, or at least reduce the chance that they’ll get burned in some way in the future?

If no solution is possible because the provocation is totally beyond your control, think of your own environment, when you are feeling miserable or feeling resentment, how do you try and get rid of it!?It’s not always an easy process, even more difficult when you try to feel anger and joy simultaneously (which is typical of adolescent teenagers).

Research suggests that the thoughts that generate anger, more often than not escalate the anger. In providing support of these challenges, the role of the Mentor or Youth Support Case Manager is to build rapport and trust in the first instance, and to try and de-escalate the root cause of the demonstrated anger.

Ultimately their anger is caused by a belief that someone is acting unfairly, or some event is unjust. The intensity of their anger will increase in proportion to the severity of the maliciousness perceived and whether the act is seen as intentional.

If we can encourage them to see the world through other people’s eyes, we will often be surprised to see them realise that their beliefs and actions are not that unfair and, in some cases, not that far removed from the point of view of others. The unfairness in these cases often turns out to be an illusion that exists only in their mind!?If we can encourage them (through sharing lived experience) to let go of the unrealistic notion that everyone shares their concepts of truth, justice, and fairness, much of their resentment and frustration may vanish.

As a cautionary note, no one likes to be controlled or forced, particularly adolescents striving to state or establish their position in the world, family unit, or community eco-system. The above-mentioned conversations can often be delicate with the key skills of the mentor being that of a precision listener and the use of structured questioning techniques.

As stakeholders, whether a parent, employer, or mentor, we often have different behavioural or performance expectations, in most situations they are far removed or different from those of our mentee or adolescent son or daughter. Often these differences (expectations) can be easily labelled or classed as generational misunderstandings.

The simplest solution would be for the external stakeholders to change their expectations; however this approach would not always be in the best interest of the individual concerned.

In the following statements, I ask you to put yourself in the shoes of your teenager / adolescent youth, typically due to minimal lived experience they will have a skewed perception of reality. For example, some unrealistic expectations that lead to their frustration may include:

• If I want something (love, happiness, a promotion, etc.), I deserve it.
• Even if I don’t work that hard at something, I should be successful.
• Other people should try to measure up to my standards and believe in my concept of “fairness.”
• I should be able to solve any problems quickly and easily without your or others support and guidance.
• People should think and act the way I do.
• If I’m nice to someone, they should always reciprocate.

In reality, these beliefs should not always be validated, it is just childish pouting to insist they have the right to be angry when those expectations are not always met. ?Of course, we often see examples that they do have such expectations, and yes anger is legally permissible. ?

However, the crucial issue here is - is it to our or their advantage to create angst with all of their stakeholder groups or networks with both feeling angry or frustrated because their expectations are not being met? I really don’t believe that such an environment would lead to healthy and sustainable relationships.

If anger is the auto response, will they, we, or the world really benefit from their rage? What impact personal or social is it having on those that have a genuine investment in their health and wellbeing. Is this anger contributing towards their relationship goals, or taking away from them?

Given the above introduction and insights, what are the best options to support the Mentoring of troubled or behaviourally challenged teenagers?

There are several options to support the mentoring of such teenagers, including but not limited to encouraging them to engage with:

1.??Community-based mentoring programs: These programs connect troubled teenagers with trained adult mentors from within their community, many are free and can be funded through the NDIS of other health providers.

2.??School-based mentoring programs: These programs place trained and skilled mentors in schools to work with students who need additional support.

3.??Professional online mentoring: Some organisations offer online mentoring programs that connect teenagers with trained mentors who can offer guidance and support via video chat or instant messaging.

4.??Therapy: Psychotherapy can be a useful tool for troubled teenagers, the challenge here often relates to the teenager accepting an external practitioner to help them to work through their challenges and develop coping skills.

5.??Group mentoring and behavioural boot camps: Group mentoring programs bring together a group of troubled teenagers and introduce them to physical and psychological challenges whilst providing them with personal growth / reflection activities, behavioural change interventions and support, and guidance from professionally trained adult mentors.

6.??Telephone Support Services: A number of not for profit, private and public service providers exist that provide crises support services for troubled teens and youth. Some worthy of mention include Head Space, Beyond Blue, Kids HelpLine and Life Line.

It's important to note that no single approach will work for every teenager, and the best approach will often depend on the individual needs and circumstances of the teenager in question. It's also important to work with experienced and well credentialled professionals who can demonstrate a well and diversity of experience to ensure the safety and well-being of the

Albeit the above insights are structured to give parental / mentor guidance in how to better manage and support disengaged and troubled youth, I would be remiss if we didn’t address the commonality of push back and resistance often associated as key barriers preventing teenagers from engaging in Mentoring programs.

Often ego and peer group influences can negatively impact on a troubled youth from reaching out and asking for support. Subconsciously, many know that they need help but are often pressured through their peer group to shun vulnerability or ask for help. Some other typical obstacles also include:

1.??Lack of access: Not all communities have access to mentoring programs, which can make it difficult for teenagers to find a mentor.

2.??Cost: Some mentoring programs can be expensive, which can make it difficult for families to participate.

3.??Lack of trust: Troubled teenagers may be hesitant to engage in a mentoring relationship due to past experiences or a general distrust of authority figures.

4.??Scheduling conflicts: Between school, work, and other commitments, it can be difficult for teenagers to find time to participate in a structured mentoring program.

5.??Resistance from parents or guardians: In some cases, parents or guardians may be resistant to allowing their teenager to participate in a mentoring program, either due to concerns about safety or a lack of understanding of the benefits of mentoring.

6.??Stigma and peer pressure: Some teenagers may be reluctant to participate in a mentoring program due to the stigma associated with seeking help for behavioural or emotional issues.

To overcome these barriers, it's important for mentoring programs to be well structured, to have a proven track record of success (outside of social media), be well publicised, affordable, and accessible. It is also imperative that they foster a supportive and inclusive environment for all participants, they don’t always necessarily need to be a rigorous physically demanding boot camp. Often they just need to create an empathetic space where participants can safely raise issues and feel that they are been listened to.

In my published text ‘The Power of Mentorship’, I suggest that mentoring in its basic structure is no more than… ?A brain to pick, an ear to listen, and a push in the right direction!?When I discuss ?the deeper theoretical elements, mentoring is also a holistic approach to knowledge and life skills development. Essentially holistic mentoring focuses on building the mentees capability and resilience across the following six areas!

???????Mental Strength

??????Physical Strength

??????Emotional Strength

??????Technical Strength

??????Social Strength

??????Knowledge Strength

Albeit the focus is on the adolescent or mentee, it's also critically important to address any concerns from parents or guardians, and to provide clear information about the benefits and expected outcomes of the program. These stakeholders need to be convinced and supportive of the fact that this intervention is the best and most acceptable pathway for their child.

This being said, what are the essential elements of a behaviourally focused mentoring program for disengaged youth?

A great question that is easily addressed. The following eight tenets are all essential elements of a behaviourally focused mentoring program for disengaged youth.?The program must have…

1.??Clear goals and objectives: The program should have clear, measurable goals and objectives that focus on addressing specific behavioural issues and promoting positive outcomes for the youth.

2.??Trained mentors: The program should involve trained adult mentors who have broad and diverse experiences working with youth and understand how to support them in overcoming their challenges.

3.??Good structure and consistent support: Mentoring should be a consistent, ongoing relationship that provides the youth with support and guidance over time, it is never a one-time event.

4.??Evidence-based practices: The program should be based on evidence-based practices and strategies that have been shown to be effective in promoting positive outcomes for disengaged youth.

5.??Collaboration with other services: The program should collaborate with other services and organisations, such as schools, health care providers, employment services and community-based organisations, to ensure that the youth receive a comprehensive and coordinated approach to support.

6.??Evaluation and feedback: The program should regularly evaluate its effectiveness and provide feedback to mentors and youth on their progress and areas for further development.

7.??Flexibility: The program should be flexible and adaptable to meet the needs and preferences of each individual youth, taking into account their unique circumstances and personal challenges.

8.??Safety and confidentiality: The program should prioritise the safety and confidentiality of all participants, and ensure that appropriate measures are in place to protect their privacy and well-being. Use of the Chattem House Rule of Mentoring is an imperative.

Dealing with marginalised and disengaged youth can be a challenging and complex task, but it is also an important one. These young people are often at risk of falling behind in their education, relationship stability, and personal development, and may face significant obstacles in achieving their full potential.

The first step in dealing with troubled and disengaged youth is to understand the root causes of their displayed behaviour and disengagement. This can include a variety of factors, such as poverty, family dysfunction, abuse or neglect, mental health issues, and discrimination. Through the use of proven communication and questioning techniques (highlighted in the ‘Power of Mentorship’ text pages 51-62 ) and also understanding these underlying causes, it is possible to develop targeted interventions that address the specific needs and challenges of each young person.

As stated, one of the most effective and proven ways to support troubled and disengaged youth is through mentoring. Mentoring programs can provide young people with a positive and supportive relationship with an adult or trusted work peer who can offer guidance, support, and encouragement. These relationships can help young people develop life skills, build self-esteem, and increase their engagement in education and other positive personal development activities.

In addition to mentoring, it is also important to provide troubled young people with access to a range of other supportive services, such as health care, further education, and employment training. These services should again be tailored to meet the specific needs of each young person and should be designed to help them overcome the barriers that are holding them back.

For example, youth who struggle with mental health issues may benefit from access to specific and tailored mental health services, while those who are struggling with homelessness may need financial support and assistance with finding a home and employment.

Youth demonstrating low levels of respect and negative behavioural episodes can be a challenging and difficult issue for families, schools, and communities to deal with. However, it is important to respond in a supportive and proactive manner in order to help these young people overcome their negative behaviour patterns and develop a willingness to try trial more positive and productive habits.

Another key component of responding to negative behaviour in youth is to implement effective discipline and behaviour management strategies. This may include the use of clear and consistent consequences for negative behaviour, as well as the development of positive reinforcement strategies that reward good behaviour. It is also important to provide youth with the knowledge, skills, and support they need to manage their own behaviour and emotions, such as participation in social-emotional learning programs or cognitive-behavioural therapy.

If you wish to take a broader and more proactive stance is supporting troubled and disengaged youth, it is also important where possible to engage the wider community. This can be done by encouraging community-based organisations, schools, and local businesses to provide opportunities for young people to actively explore the development of new skills and work opportunities. By building supportive networks and connections, it is possible to help young people feel more engaged and connected to their community, and to increase their sense of belonging and purpose.

As much as I have highlighted the need for engagement and support, it is critically important though to also address any systemic barriers that may be contributing to the disengagement and behaviour of the young person. This can include addressing other social ?issues such as bullying, discrimination, inequality, and a lack of inclusiveness. By working together as a community-based collaborative to address such issues, it is possible to create a more inclusive and supportive society that is better equipped to support all young people, regardless of their background or individual circumstances.

In order to make participation in such supportive services mandatory for disengaged youth, it may be necessary to implement policies or programs that require young people to participate in these services as a condition of their continued receipt of support benefits, job readiness training, or other community-based interventions. For example, community-based organisations may require young people to attend mental health services or to participate in educational programs in order to receive financial support or services from these organisations.

In conclusion, dealing with behaviourally challenged and disengaged youth requires a comprehensive and holistic approach that addresses the underlying causes of their behavioural challenges. Interventions should also provide them with access to supplementary support services and engage the wider community in supporting their development and well-being.

In order to be effective, mandatory participation and a willingness of the troubled youth to engage in support services must be accompanied by appropriate incentives and / or consequences. For example, young people who successfully participate in job training programs may be provided with additional financial assistance, work experience, or other opportunities that can help them achieve their goals.

Conversely, young people who choose not to participate in the services may be subject to consequences, such as the termination of their enrolment in subsidised programs, or the loss of access to other community-based or family support.

Finally, such interventions are all about behavioural change, therefore it is important to engage young people in the process of change. This can be done by involving them in discussions about their behaviour and what they could do to improve, and by seeking their input and feedback on possible interventions, actions and strategies. My key phrase as part of the broader change discussion is that “Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes”.

From my vast experience working in this space, historically if a young person reaches out and is asking for help, they are generally at a point where they are open to change and have a willingness / openness to try something different. It is important that they themselves contribute to the creation of this new path. By empowering young people to take on a sense of ownership of the solution, and to adopt an active role in their own development, it is possible to accelerate the re- building of their self-confidence, resilience, and sense of urgency, and in doing so support them in taking the first steps towards positive changes in their lives.

With the right support and guidance, these young people can overcome the challenges they face, contribute back to their community, re-engage in their family or work, and go on to lead successful, fulfilling lives. This should ultimately be the goal of any mentoring intervention!

For more information on this topic or to ?book a Mentoring Workshop, or to discuss having me speak at your next event or conference, DM me online (Linkedin or Facebook) or contact Mark Jones on Phone: +61 (0) 428 727 076 or email [email protected]