Mental Toughness & Iron Will: Pitfalls to Avoid

This will be the final chapter of Mental Toughness and Iron Will discussion so it could be a lengthy read.

Austin had always been pretty confident about his writing ability. He received frequent praise in high school, college, and during his first few positions after graduation. It wasn’t until he started working for a large newspaper that he began receiving constructive criticism and other unsolicited advice from his more experienced coworkers.

Austin generally shrugged off the advice because he felt confident in his ability and experience. After all, no one had ever criticized him before, so he thought he was still correct about everything.

One day, about four months after starting at the newspaper, he was called into his editor’s office. In no uncertain terms he was told exactly what aspects of his writing he should focus on to improve. At first, Austin shrugged off this direction as well, but after some reflection time he decided to take his editor’s advice to heart and try to improve specific aspects of his work. By applying the advice that was given to him by his editor and coworkers, he was ultimately able to improve his craft and continue to grow toward his career goals

We all make mistakes while striving to achieve mental toughness and reach our long-term goals. Just like Austin, we may have trouble taking constructive criticism to heart, or we may struggle with accepting things we cannot change or wrestle with letting go of things that we cannot control. But whatever our mistakes, there are methods to overcome them and continue to learn and grow. Identifying these mistakes is half the battle. The remainder of this chapter will list some of the most common mistakes in achieving resilience and give instructions for conquering them.

•  Wanting Control

A common mistake made by individuals trying to increase their mental toughness is to spend too much time focusing on things they cannot control. In some respects, this is similar to the concept of accepting uncertainty from the previous chapter. Once you let go of the compulsion for control, you realize that you are equipped to handle a wide variety of situations.

The key to toughness is to focus specifically on the things you can control and deliberately ignore the rest. 

No matter how much you focus on things that are out of your control, you can’t change them. It’s a waste of time and effort to try, and it saps your mental toughness because you’re putting in work for no certain reward.

We can control our input into a situation, but not the outcome. It is up to us to ensure that we are putting our greatest effort into each situation for the best possible outcome. But focusing on too many additional things, especially those that are out of your control, only succeeds in reducing your willpower and distracting you from areas in which your effort can have an effect. 

You cannot control how an important conference call goes, but it is completely in your control to be as prepared and ready to positively represent your product as possible. Similarly, you cannot force your coworkers to like you, but you can give 100% at work and consistently treat them with respect and courtesy. When you focus on yourself and let go of the rest, you’ll feel empowered and free. Identify areas in which you have control and you will get the most impact for your effort. 

• Mindset Differences

There are some very specific habits of mind that illuminate the difference in thinking between mentally tough and mentally weak individuals. In the following section, we will look at specific mistakes that people make that undermine their mental toughness.

1. Hard work matters. Mentally tough individuals know that hard work is the only way to achieve their goals. It is only through this hard work, self-discipline, and grit that they can move toward success and the life that they want to lead. There is a direct correlation, and the belief in hard work propels people into action.

Individuals that aren't mentally tough often feel as if the world owes them something. They don’t believe that they need to work or exercise self-control to get what they want. They feel that success is something they should be handed simply because they exist. You may have encountered this type of mentally weak individual at work. Hallmarks of this thought process include a general disregard of rules, because rules “don’t apply to them,” and an expectation of recognition or promotion for every project they complete.

2. Know where your values come from. Mentally tough people know where their values come from. This means they don’t need external praise or recognition to reinforce their self-confidence. They already know that they are good at their jobs, are dedicated to their family, or are excellent friends, and they don’t need someone to tell them this to believe it. They know who they are, what they care about, and how they would like to represent themselves to the world.

On the other hand, people who aren't mentally tough crave this recognition and without it they feel inadequate or overlooked. Mentally weak people undervalue their worth and lack self-confidence. Hallmarks of this thought process include constantly fishing for compliments or kudos.

3. Self-reflection. Time for self-reflection is vital to mentally strong people. Determining the motivation behind their actions and desires is an important habit of mind that they actively cultivate. Knowing what motivates you and what discourages you allows you to seek more good and avoid the bad. Self-reflection also allows mentally tough individuals to think about and learn from mistakes and other past experiences.

Individuals that are not mentally tough do not take the time to be self-reflective. These people are self-indulgent and do what they want, when they want, without regard for their motivations or other people’s feelings. They are driven by their emotions and cannot keep their compulsions in check. They simply don’t know why they are acting the way they do. To identify these weak individuals, look for hasty, poorly considered decisions and inconsistent actions.

4. Embrace alone time. Mentally tough people are comfortable with themselves. They understand their actions, feel their emotions, and relish time by themselves. These mentally tough individuals enjoy the company of others, but they don’t feel the need to constantly surround themselves with friends or acquaintances. However, those without this level of self-confidence and ease in their own body feel anxious when they aren’t surrounded by others to compliment or reassure them about their own self-worth. These mentally weak people always need company and feel like a failure if they are sitting at home alone on a Friday night.

5. Being tired isn’t an excuse. Mentally tough people don’t give in when they are tired. They understand that 95% of the time they still have energy left, and this “tiredness” is just a feeling they can shrug off. Everyone gets tired, so how can that ever be a justification? 

Individuals that aren't mentally tough jump off the treadmill as soon as they feel tired, hit the snooze button three or four times before getting out of bed, or procrastinate an important project because they would rather spend some time resting in front of the TV. To exercise your mental toughness, don’t give in! You still have some gas in your tank; just push through this tired feeling and keep striving to achieve your goals. Of course, this encompasses elements of the 40% rule and delaying gratification. 

6. Pain can be positive. Don’t be afraid of pain for the greater good. Cold showers, raw garlic, and refusing to hit the snooze are painful in the moment but they ultimately build a stronger, more disciplined mind. Embrace discomfort and actively seek out situations where you must display willpower. 

Individuals that are not mentally tough shy away from pain, even though it will help them achieve their long-term goals. Getting through pain is an essential part of achieving success in life, and mentally tough individuals know this and refuse to view short-term pain as anything other than an obstacle to overcome on their path to success.

7. Deal with the truth. Be realistic about your strengths and weaknesses. We all have areas to improve, and mentally tough people know that they are awesome in tons of ways, but they are also realistic about areas where they need a little more work. It’s in accepting our weaknesses that we can approach and improve them. 

People who are not mentally tough often have trouble identifying their areas of weakness or being honest about mistakes they have made. When confronted with their weaknesses or mistakes, mentally weak people run or refuse to acknowledge them. 

Only those who are mentally tough can take these criticisms and incorporate the advice to make themselves stronger and more resilient. The next time your boss suggests areas in which you could improve, take these suggestions to heart. You’re not perfect, regardless of what your parents said, and we all have skills that could use a little more work. 

8. Don’t be too sensitive. Don’t let other people’s opinions or problems impact your life. Mentally tough people know that they don’t need to alter their day or change their feelings based on someone else’s problems, feelings, to-do list, or preferences. If your coworker yells at you because he is having a bad day or if your girlfriend stomps out of the apartment because she had a fight with her mom, you can’t internalize these incidents and let them impact your plans or goals for the day. 

Stop letting other people have an impact on your destiny. Only the mentally weak let other people’s problems derail their day; it’s a waste of time and energy. Of course, you will need to remain empathetic, but you also need to realize that you are not responsible for carrying the burdens of others.

9. Being average is not okay. Mentally tough people know not to stop pushing and working at something when they become adequate. Being average is never enough for someone with grit and determination. Those with mental strength want to be the best version of themselves that they can be and won’t stop until they achieve this goal. 

Being a mediocre student or average wife should never be enough. Mentally tough people won’t settle for being in the middle of the pack. Always strive to run a slightly faster race, create a slightly better chicken Parmesan, or close on slightly more homes than you did the previous month. Inching forward over time and becoming better at your hobby, job, or relationship ensures that you never fall into the trap of mediocrity.

It’s not enough to be okay at something — you need to be performing at your peak. This by definition requires mental toughness — but the act of pursuing will grant you mental toughness.

• Kaizen

Going from zero to insane mental toughness is unrealistic. It’s a mistake that stems from expectations that are too high. When you inevitably fall short of your imagined progress, it’s likely that you’ll become discouraged and depressed. Instead, focusing on small, continuous improvement is the true path to gaining mental toughness.

You won’t be mentally tough tomorrow, but over time you will reach your desired level of grit and self-discipline. This rings true for every aspect of life you want to improve, but it is doubly important in mental toughness because it involves a delicate mental state.

The Kaizen method of improvement goes beyond the constant ups and downs of traditional approaches. It forces you to break down goals into small, discrete steps and tackle each step one at a time. Kaizen encourages you to take action and your successes eventually snowball into bigger and bigger actions until you reach your desired goal. Don’t seek drastic changes; just seek to do what you can with what you have and go from there.

There is no magic bullet to fix all your problems or enable you to instantly become mentally tough; however, through small, consistent improvement, you can get there. Stop wasting your time searching for the miracle cure or the single habit to change everything. Instead, focus on the task at hand. Do what you need to do and get to work. Do 1% better than the day before and increase your skill gradually. Take it slow and steady. There is a reason that Aesop told us that the tortoise beat the hare — slow and steady wins the race. Mental toughness may not be a flipped switch away, but it is always visible on the horizon. 

We all make mistakes on a daily basis, and gaining mental toughness is no different. We routinely fall prey to these pitfalls without realizing how detrimental they can be. 

Do you always want control, even the illusion of it? This drains your mental toughness because it makes you fragile in the face of a loss of control — which is always imminent. 

Do you have the expectation of massive change in a short amount of time? This drains your mental toughness because you’ll always fall short of this high expectation. Instead, seek to implement a Japanese concept known as Kaizen, which is seeking continual, small improvements. 

Here are some traits that differ between individuals with and without mental toughness: recognizing the importance of hard work, knowing your self-values, engaging in self-reflection, seeking alone time, not using fatigue as an excuse, seeing pain as positivity, seeing yourself objectively, being less sensitive, and not settling for mediocrity.

By Patrick King's "Mental Toughness & Iron Will: Become Tenacious, Resilient, Psychologically Strong, and Tough as Nails"