Mental Load vs Emotional Labor: What’s Draining You (And How to Set Boundaries for Both)

Wake up. Hit snooze (maybe three times). Get the kids ready, pack the work bag, scroll Instagram, head to work—and just like that, the day is in full swing. But have you ever noticed the work happening between all those moments? We need to talk about the invisible work that’s draining you—and no, it’s not just the physical kind (though Costco grocery hauls are brutal).

For years, overthinkers and overdoers have been trapped in a cycle of endless exhaustion. Without acknowledgment, it’s easy to fall into the belief that everyone else is somehow breezing through life. But let me tell you—you’re not crazy. You’re likely carrying both a heavy mental load and the weight of ongoing emotional labor.

Identifying these hidden burdens is the first step. In this post, we’ll dive into what mental load and emotional labor are, how they show up in your life, and, most importantly, how to start offloading them.

What is the Mental Load?

If your brain feels like it’s stuck in “planning mode” 24/7, chances are you’re carrying a heavy mental load. Popularized in the 2010s (yep, it’s been that long), the term mental load refers to the invisible work required to keep daily life running smoothly. Sounds harmless, right? In reality, the mental load’s negative impacts are deeply tied to societal and patriarchal expectations.

As more women entered the workforce, the division of labor at home didn’t evolve. Women were expected to juggle both professional and domestic responsibilities, often without support. The myth of “having it all” has led to widespread burnout, exhaustion, and even difficulty maintaining a personal identity.

So, what does the mental load actually look like? Let’s take grocery shopping as an example. The trip itself might take an hour, but the lead-up is where the mental load hides. You have to plan meals, review your budget, check for coupons, take inventory of your pantry, consider dietary needs or allergies, and factor in your schedule for the week—all before you even set foot in the store. That’s a lot of invisible work for just one errand!

Other mental load tasks include:

• Scheduling appointments
• Remembering birthdays and anniversaries
• Coordinating extracurricular activities
• Paying bills
• Maintaining healthy habits

Why don’t we notice this burden? Many of us have carried the mental load for so long that it feels automatic. Since much of this work is invisible, others might not recognize it either. It can even appear effortless—leading people to assume you’re “just good at keeping things together.” But here’s the truth: the mental load can and should be shared.

How can you begin to lighten the mental load? Start by writing down the smaller steps leading up to your bigger tasks. You can jot them in your planner or phone notes. If tracking in real time feels overwhelming, reflect on it after completing a task. Once you’ve outlined your mental load, open up conversations with others—family, partners, colleagues—about their processes. This isn’t a competition to see who does the most; it’s about recognizing the invisible work everyone carries.

When we know better, we do better. By quantifying, understanding, and communicating our mental load, we can finally start to lighten it.

What is Emotional Labor?

Why doesn’t anyone warn you that “keeping the peace” at work or home can feel like a full-time job? When tensions rise—or even when things feel off—you might instinctively step in to smooth things over. That urge to manage everyone’s feelings is what we call emotional labor: the act of regulating emotions to meet the needs of others.

Like the mental load, emotional labor is often invisible. If you interact with people regularly, chances are you’ve been tasked with it—whether you realize it or not.

What makes emotional labor so draining? It often requires you to suppress your own feelings while managing others’ emotional needs. This lack of reciprocity can take a toll on your well-being and lead to burnout. Emotional labor is also shaped by traditional gender roles. Women, for example, are frequently expected to lead with empathy and caretaking, which earns them praise but also places an unfair burden on them. Conversely, men are often discouraged from nurturing behavior, meaning they don’t always have the opportunity to develop emotional intelligence.

Where does emotional labor show up? It’s not just within close relationships. Emotional labor can be requested in work environments, social settings, and even online interactions. If you’re highly attuned to others, you might feel pulled to step in wherever emotional labor is needed, making it difficult to set boundaries.

How do you manage emotional labor without losing yourself? Since emotional demands can be both direct and subtle, learning how they show up in your life is essential. Start by gathering data: What kinds of emotional requests are being made of you? Are there patterns in who makes these demands or when they occur?

Once you understand the scope of these demands, you can begin to set boundaries that reflect your emotional bandwidth. This isn’t about becoming a stone-cold boss. It’s about ensuring that emotional labor is situationally appropriate and doesn’t push you past your limits.

How Mental Load & Emotional Overlap (and Differ)

Emotional labor and mental load are like fraternal twins—closely related but distinctly different. Both can leave you feeling drained, overwhelmed, lonely, and frustrated. However, the way you address each will differ because of one key distinction:

Mental load is about planning, while emotional labor is about action.

Let’s break it down with an example: planning how to navigate interactions with tricky family members at a holiday gathering is mental load. Once you’re at the event and actively managing those interactions—buffering tensions, calming arguments, or supporting others—that’s emotional labor. Sometimes, emotional labor happens without prior planning, and processing its aftermath adds to your mental load later.

This fluid cycle can feel endless, especially if you are often the person expected to provide emotional intelligence in your family, workplace, or social circles.

How do you explain this difference to others? It’s not always easy and might need to happen in small, relatable conversations. For example, say your best friend is planning a trip for your friend group and starts venting about one person’s behavior. If you step in to smooth things over between them, that’s emotional labor. When you later reflect on how you’ll manage similar dynamics at future meetups, you’re carrying the mental load of that situation.

To address these hidden burdens, you’ll need to:

1. Gain clarity on others’ expectations (e.g., “What role am I being asked to play here?”).
2. Check in with yourself about how those demands are affecting your well-being.

Feeling overwhelmed? That’s normal. Emotional labor and mental load are necessary parts of life, but they don’t have to consume you. With the right tools and strategies, you can reduce their toll and regain control of your time and energy.

Managing the Mental Load

Lightening the mental load requires both a shift in mindset and practical strategies to offload tasks. By reducing decision fatigue and prioritizing responsibilities, you create more mental space for rest, creativity, and joy. Let’s break it down into actionable steps.

The Mental Audit

To reset your mindset, start by gaining clarity on why you carry the mental load and whether it’s serving you. Use these reflection questions to guide your audit:

Checking Context:

• What’s happening in my life right now that justifies me carrying this mental load?
• Are there parts of the mental load I don’t actually mind?
• Have I been so overwhelmed that I haven’t considered asking for help?
• How would I know if the load is too much for me to handle?
• Am I so good at maintaining the load that others don’t even notice it’s there?
• What would my life look like if I carried less of the mental load?

Getting Curious About Core Beliefs:

• Where did I learn that I have to maintain the mental load?
• Do I take pride in carrying this burden?
• Do I believe others are capable of helping me?
• What am I afraid will happen if I pass some of the mental load to others?
• Am I anxious about how to spend open time if I do less?
• Am I holding back from doing or being less because of guilt or fear?

Remember to answer these questions with compassion. Be raw and honest without judging or shaming yourself. The goal is self-awareness, not perfection.

Tools to Lighten the Load

Shifting your mental load won’t happen overnight. These adaptable tips can help ease the process:

Automated Reminders:

• Set digital reminders for recurring tasks like birthdays, bills, and appointments. Input them into your calendar once so you can rely on automation instead of memory.

Subscriptions:

• Explore subscription services for everyday needs like air filters, toilet paper, groceries, or clothing rental. Do a cost/benefit analysis to determine which tasks you can delegate to a subscription.

Paid Support:

• Consider hiring virtual assistants or other services for tasks like managing your inbox, making phone calls, lawn care, childcare, or house cleaning.

Shared Calendars & Command Centers:

• Create a central hub in your home or online for organizing life tasks. This might include a shared digital calendar, baskets for mail, a space for keys, and dry-erase boards for reminders.

Delegation and Boundaries

Delegation will be one of your biggest allies in reducing the mental load. However, it requires trust and flexibility.

Key Tips:

• Use prompts from the Nine to Kind Possibility Planner worksheets (e.g., Befriending Boundaries and Face Decision Fatigue) to define your needs and set clear boundaries.
• Accept that some tasks may not be done your way. Certain forms of delegation work best as “set it and forget it,” meaning you may need to let go of perfection.
• Maintain ongoing delegation with regular check-ins and open communication.

Distress Tolerance Skills

The mental load can become a safety net during stressful times, but it’s important to know when and how to let go. Checking in with your body and thoughts can help determine whether carrying the load is necessary at that moment.

Body Check:

• Are you feeling frozen, tense, or hyper-focused on productivity?
• Are your thoughts stuck in an “all-or-nothing” loop?

Skills to Regulate Your Nervous System:

• DBT TIPP Skill: Temperature: Splash cold water on your face or hold ice to activate the body’s calming response.Intense Exercise: Engage in a burst of physical activity to release built-up tension.Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Tense and release different muscle groups to ground yourself.Paced Breathing: Slow, deep breaths help regulate your heart rate and bring you back to the present.
• DBT STOP Skill: Stop: Pause what you’re doing.Take a Step Back: Mentally or physically remove yourself from the situation.Observe: Notice what’s happening—your thoughts, emotions, and body sensations.Proceed Mindfully: Choose your next action based on what you need in that moment.

These skills will likely be used in rotation. Pay attention to which ones work best for you and take note of them for future use.

By addressing both your beliefs and your practical processes, you’ll gradually reduce the mental load. Remember, each small step adds up to big changes. Take your time, experiment, and celebrate every win!

Skills for Managing Emotional Labor

Many of the tools for managing the mental load can also help with emotional labor, though they require a slight shift in focus. Emotional labor isn’t just about the tasks you perform—it’s also tied to your relationships and the emotional dynamics within them. Here’s how to assess and navigate these demands with clarity and compassion.

The Mindset Audit

To shift your mindset around emotional labor, you’ll need to reflect on both your role in relationships and the relationships themselves. These questions can help you uncover patterns and evaluate where change might be needed.

Checking Context:

• Is the emotional labor in this relationship something I’ve always done, or is this a new expectation?
• Is something happening right now (e.g., a crisis, life transition) that might justify taking on more emotional labor?
• Does this relationship feel balanced and equitable?
• Are we peers, or are there power dynamics at play (e.g., boss/employee, parent/child)?
• Is this a relationship I want to maintain or create more space from?
• Can I be my open, honest self in this environment?

Challenging Core Beliefs:

• Where did I learn that it’s my job to carry relationships emotionally?
• What do I fear will happen if there is emotional discomfort—for myself or others?
• Am I afraid of discomfort in general?
• Are the expectations I have for myself and others reasonable?
• Are my beliefs rooted in my core values or in what I think I should be doing?
• What aspects of my emotional labor am I willing to change?

Remember to reflect with compassion. Allow yourself to explore these questions without judgment. Understanding your emotional patterns is the first step to breaking free from them.

Practical Tools for Reducing Emotional Labor

Managing emotional labor effectively requires both preparation and in-the-moment strategies. These tools can help you protect your emotional bandwidth.

Affirmations:

• Write down affirmations that reinforce your boundaries, such as: “I am allowed to step away from emotional demands that are not mine to carry.” “Discomfort is not a failure—it’s part of growth.” “I am worthy of relationships where support flows both ways.”

Create an Exit Plan:

• If conversations or situations become emotionally draining, have a plan to gracefully step away. For example, you might say: “I need a few minutes to process this. Let’s revisit it later.” “I have to wrap this up for now, but let’s touch base again soon.”

Accountability Buddy:

• Reach out to a trusted friend or support person when you feel overwhelmed. Sometimes a quick pep talk or validation can help you recalibrate and maintain your boundaries.

Scheduled Sacred Time:

• Dedicate regular time blocks for uninterrupted self-care. This could include listening to an audiobook during your commute, taking a weekly fitness class with your phone on Do Not Disturb, or simply enjoying a quiet moment without external demands.

The Emotion Inventory Worksheet

The Emotion Inventory Worksheet from the Nine to Kind Possibility Planner helps you track and understand your emotional patterns. Use it to identify:

• How different situations affect your emotional state.
• Which skills (such as breathing exercises, journaling, or physical movement) best support you in processing emotions. Working through this ahead of time will give you greater awareness and control over your emotional responses.

Managing emotional labor takes practice and patience. By gaining awareness, setting boundaries, and using these tools consistently, you’ll create healthier emotional dynamics and protect your well-being. Take note of which strategies work best and build from there—small changes lead to lasting impact.

Keep this in Mind

Your mind isn’t a to-do list. These strategies are designed to help you restructure how you show up in the world and build sustainable habits, not to make you feel even more burdened. Some approaches will be imperfect—and that’s okay. Failure isn’t a reflection of your worth or ability.

When something doesn’t work, take a step back and reflect with curiosity:

• What happened?
• What could I try differently next time?

Growth comes from learning, not from getting it right on the first try.

Navigating Other People’s Response

Let’s be real—other people can be wildcards. We can’t control their actions or responses to our boundaries and choices.

However, we can:

• Communicate clearly: Make your needs and boundaries known.
• Be candid about impacts: Explain how their actions or lack of support affect you.
• Release the need for perfect understanding: Not everyone will validate your experience, and that’s hard but normal.

When invalidation happens, don’t give up on yourself. Instead, reflect on the situation:

• Was there a misunderstanding?
• Are they unwilling or unable to support you in this area?
• What support systems can you build outside of this relationship?

This isn’t about forcing others to change. It’s about learning where you can set boundaries while staying true to your needs.

Shifting Habits Takes Time

Change requires patience, persistence, and curiosity. Some strategies might not feel right for you, and that’s perfectly normal. Don’t force a system that doesn’t align with your instincts or lifestyle. Focus instead on what feels natural and sustainable.

At the same time, balance acceptance with intentional growth.

Ask yourself:

• Is this a challenge worth pushing through, or is it time to pivot?
• Am I resisting change out of fear, or because it’s truly not the right fit?

By honoring your process and staying open to experimentation, you’ll develop habits that support your well-being long term.

Now It’s Your Turn

As a recovering perfectionist and people-pleaser, I know firsthand how overwhelming it can be to change your habits around the mental load and emotional labor. For me, it took multiple episodes of burnout to finally learn that I needed to take off the superwoman cape—and let others step up and shine too.

Yes, shifting these patterns will be difficult at times, but here’s the good news: the rewards are closer than you think.

Here’s what’s waiting on the other side:

• Simplified routines: Imagine having air filters arrive on time instead of rushing to the store in a panic.
• More balanced relationships: Friends and loved ones will check in on you. Get ready to experience care and support without always being the giver.
• Less resentment: You’ll feel less bitter toward the world and regain a sense of agency in your life.
• You’ll also have more time—though that might be one of the harder things to adjust to. If you feel like you’re forgetting something, remind yourself: you’re not. You’re simply living with more space to breathe, rest, and just be.

I’d love to hear what shifts for you! Message me on LinkedIn and let me know which change you’re committing to this year.

And don’t forget—The Nine to Kind Possibility Planner is here to support you. With flexible layouts, weekly notes, and exercises to improve your boundaries, it’s designed to keep your mental load in check. Take a look in the shop—you deserve to create a life with more ease.