Mental Health: Talking About the Invisible to Make it Visible

Preamble: I am posting this in its original form as posted to the Salesforce internal chatter feed for several reasons. I want my professional network that is full of people struggling like I am to know they are not alone. I am also in a very unique situation being at Salesforce where posts like this are safe and acceptable. I can’t begin to describe how amazing my company is and exceptional our people are, I have received nothing but support from Executives down to front line employees. Please read this to the end, and try to follow my comment guidelines if possible. Reach out in private if you have anything personal to share.

TL:DR- I am entering an intensive two week treatment program for PTSD soon and I want everyone to know it is ok to talk about and ask questions. 

Why Talking About Mental Health is Scary… yet essential

Trigger Warning: While safe for work, this post may cause feelings/memories you are not aware of or expecting. Please be sure you are ready and safe before reading.

Normally I start every paper or article I write with an allegory or some sort of quick attention grabbing story to draw comparisons with the subject I am writing about. For this particular subject, there are a lot of examples and metaphors that would work, but they are really dark and/or dismissive of the issue. Instead, allow me to begin with a statement of safety. This is going to be hard to read and may bring up awkward and/or painful feelings. Feel free to stop reading, or take your time reading in private. I’m not asking you to read this, certainly not demanding you do so, this paper is for me. Writing is part of my healing, publishing my writing feeds my desire to help and bolsters my self confidence. Feel free to comment or contact me, but understand that I can only share my experience. If you need healing, I may not be able to help.

Quick facts to describe my current situation in shorthand: Marine for 14 years, one deployment to Afghanistan, an abusive relationship, Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) from MMA fighting, diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), but generally doing ok. In the short term, I am managing my symptoms, but not 100% successfully. Therefore, with the support of those who love me, I am going to enter an intensive treatment program designed to help veterans who are experiencing complex and interrelated symptoms from more than one source. It has to be intensive because the causes of the symptoms are so complex, treating one may or may not make another worse.

Publicly sharing my PTSD diagnosis and that I am going to get treatment is scary. To explain my feelings, help others to feel comfortable, and describe the scariness of outing my mental health problems,  here is a list of what scares me about publishing this in no particular order:

1. This post and me leaving for two weeks for mental health reasons will, without a doubt, affect my career. I am scared it will negatively affect it. Especially that it could erode the trust of others who currently see me as a stable rock in stormy seas and rely on me to be their fixed point of reference and comfort. As a result, if I want to try some bold new project and have the company take a risk in allowing me to do so, I am scared some leaders would think twice before supporting the project.
2. As a veteran, I think people already wonder if I have PTSD. Saying it out loud will cause some to look back at past interactions, especially tense or conflict-laced interactions, and wonder “Oh ok, Adam getting frustrated or acting weird was because of the PTSD” or “remember that one time, he did XYZ, that’s very common among veterans with PTSD.”
3. People may think that as a result of PTSD, I am unstable, prone to anger, or just scary to be around in general. I worry people will not give me credit for how calm and easy going I actually am.
4. It gives me pause to know that the vast majority of the stigma and pre-judgment that may be directed at me will be invisible, and has the potential of being its very own paranoid entity living right behind my back. Never seen, never confirmed, but I may live in fear that people are judging me without me being able to confirm or deny it.
5. I worry that I will fail. That I will post this and say “I’m getting treatment look at me” and then not go. Then everyone may worry, “He didn’t get the help he needs, just a matter of time before something happens.”
6. I don’t care about being perceived as weak, un-manly, or crazy. I worry about being treated like I am weak or crazy. That would bother me if I notice it at all.

Now a list of reasons I am posting anyway, in no particular order:

1. I am testing you. Yes, you. I think the people in this company can find out about my mental health struggles and still avoid all of my fears above. I believe in you.
2. I am strong and brave. Humility has never been my forte, but since I was about 17, I have not run from problems or bad situations. With few exceptions I have ran full speed into physical danger, bad problems, and really really hard situations because I know I am capable of handling things most people can’t.
3. I am in fact a person with physical and emotional scars from my tendency to run to the problem instead of away from it. This is my way of running towards the inner danger left behind from the physical, all while showing others a strong and brave person can still be strong and brave while submitting to professional help.
4. I believe in Salesforce and our values. I believe that our leaders, middle managers, and front line contributors are inherently good people who can know about my struggles and continue to be supportive and enable my success.
5. Other people are struggling like I am, but in secret. Not all are veterans, and not many can share. I want them to know they are not alone, no matter how alone they may feel. We have amazing resources available to us that I have used many times. Please do the same.
6. Finally, and in my opinion most importantly, I want to illustrate how scary this is, and how wrong I am to be scared. As a company, as individuals I know you will treat me appropriately, I can be open and loud about this process and you will respond with respect and without making my fears real. I also know that in watching me do this profoundly scary thing in public, many of you will see light at the end of your own dark tunnel and realize you can get help without negatively impacting the other parts of your life. Get help, it works, and you deserve it.

Thank you for reading this. Please discuss in the comments if you would like, I kindly ask you to try and follow a few guidelines:

1. Ask me anything. If you are worried it may not be public-appropriate, reach out via email or chat.
2. I would prefer not to be praised for posting. I know posting this is hard to do (I literally just did it), and it takes bravery. Instead focus on your feelings and express those instead.
3. Try to avoid generalizing any particular group. If you want to make a point or express an opinion, make it personal to you without painting others with too broad a brush.
4. Respect that everyone is in a different space, on a different path, with a unique history. Try not to be prescriptive in response to other’s comments. If you want to give a suggestion to someone as a response to their statements, please use a more private means.
5. Understand that you, yes you, are part of the reason I was able to feel safe enough to post. Give yourself some credit for helping others. 

Thank you for reading,

Adam Ross Arellano