Mental Health & Me

Part One: Understanding Mental Health, hindsight is a wonderful thing

Everyone has a story about their own mental health issues and the history behind their personal demons, but for me I've always felt that I've not suffered with any real mental health worries, however, I look back on my life and actually I think there have certainly been times when I have suffered in silence through fear of being teased and belittled. I have learnt a lot about mental health over the last few years and I'll admit to having previously been na?ve and uneducated when it came to this subject. For me, I had always believed that those with mental health issues were those that had schizophrenic tendencies, split personalities and were just "a sandwich short of a picnic" didn't have all their marbles and all that. I saw depression and anxiety as two different things, not mental health related just other conditions. I think this is a common perspective that people will have and as a result I never felt that I fell into the category of having a mental health problem. As I learn more and understand the ins and outs of it all I must admit, in hindsight, I had suffered with anxiety and depression, I just didn't know it at the time. The depression for me wasn't heavy, and I never had suicidal thoughts, it wasn't consuming me in that way but it was enough to grip me with apathy and I'd have periods of self-esteem lows. As for the anxiety, that stemmed from my fear of failure. That fear would build up inside and become the trigger in which my mind would race. I was obsessed with success. Success not just for me personally but to influence another person’s opinion of me, I wanted other people to see an alternative version of me. I wanted people to respect me and say “Look at Glenn, he has done well” I wanted to portray a better version of myself, living my best life as they say, just to seem “normal”. I was scared of not achieving anything in life, I was frightened that my life would pass me by and that I wouldn’t be able to show anything for it. I wanted to be the best I could be. Financially stable and content within my profession…whatever that would be. Ultimately, I was regretting not doing better at school. I knew I could have performed better; I knew I could have received higher grades, maybe have gone to university but I was lazy and did the minimum that was asked of me to pass. I regret that and that was always a motivation for me to prove to myself that I could do better. The problem is that I pushed myself too hard at times, expecting more from myself than what I could realistically, physically and mentally produce and that is draining on your mind. I am, was, and always will be my harshest critic. I was very much in the mind frame that I needed to suck it up and “man up”. Fortunately for me, I made decisions in my life that took me on the correct path but I think back and realise that it would have been quite easy for me to have disappeared down the wrong path and who knows how my life could have changed. Back then if you had told me that I was suffering mental health related issues I would have argued with you that I wasn't mental or crazy at all. Far from it. I certainly wouldn't have sat down and discussed my feelings or emotions with anyone, after all, I am a man and we don't do that sort of thing do we? We don't show emotion, we certainly don't discuss it or at least that was how things were, nowadays we are a more modern, accepting society or at least we are trying to be. We are encouraging men to speak out and open up and this is awesome and I'm proud to be an advocate of this.

So, back to my story, a story I wish to share. I've always been a happy go lucky type of guy. Very rarely phased by anything, take it all in my stride with a smile and a joke. I have a wonderful ability to assess and review situations, weigh up the pros and cons and decide on my next actions. Which works both professionally and in my personal life. I'm very relaxed by nature. However, there were periods where I struggled ?nancially and this really affected me...privately. I would bottle up the negativity and feelings of apathy for when I was at home...alone. I had a completely different appearance once I left the front door in the morning. It was like I wore a mask. I found myself out of work in March 2009 and despite my best efforts I found it di?cult to ?nd another job. Once I had an interview, I was con?dent I'd get the job as I could sell myself but initially, I struggled to even get accepted for interviews and that had a damaging effect on my con?dence. I felt worthless at times. I wanted a career. A career that mattered, something sustainable, a future, but I never knew what it was I wanted to do or be, as a result I spent the next 4 years working in various sales roles, one company to another, one product to the next. I was selling sweets then medicine, cigarettes, projectors and pencils, earning a very basic wage which was just enough to pay the bills and get by. I had times where "dinner" consisted of a pack of space raiders and a curly wurly as that was all I could afford. I was heavily in my overdraft and amassing credit card debt as I tried to keep up appearances by going out regularly drinking with friends and showing everyone that I was "?ne". Don't get me wrong I loved being with my mates and socialising I have some great stories and memories but funding that lifestyle was entirely different. At one point I had three credit cards and was constantly overdrawn. Despite the happy exterior, inside I felt low, rock bottom became the foundation upon which I built my life: because my worst fears had been realised, I had nowhere to go but up.

The turning point for me was when I reached my 30th birthday. At the time I was working for an o?ce supplies company. My role involved cold calling businesses trying to sell them paper, note pads, pens and ink cartridges for their printers, those sorts of products. That industry was heavily populated and competition was ?erce. The basic wage was just that…basic. You needed to sell to rack up your commission but as the competition for custom was so high you were often cutting your pro?t margins to win the business, sometimes at a loss, so even when you had a good month the commission wasn't that great. I would cold call businesses that would constantly hang up on you and be rude to you. It was hard and I have huge respect for those people that do this, enjoy it and smile as I really struggled to remain so upbeat. On top of that I looked around at my colleagues and they were all young, college leavers. Here they were straight out of school or college and earning the same as or more than me, a 30-year-old nearly twice their age. I became quite disillusioned and sank into a pit of apathy and self-loathing. I was pathetic, or at least that is what I thought of myself. I struggled, it was hard and I hid away from my responsibilities and found myself in a position where I felt detached from the real world, like I was looking in at a life that shouldn’t be mine. I tried to convince myself I was better than this but I always pulled myself back down with a bump and this battle with myself was constant. At times I got overwhelmed by my own thoughts. I thought to myself "This isn't what I should be doing with myself" and "What have I achieved?" The same questions that had previously haunted me, that was the trigger, setting off my anxiety. Every day this played on my mind, every day I questioned myself. I was a failure. My bosses called me into a meeting, it was our monthly sales one to one to discuss the previous months performance. This month I wasn't being praised; I was being questioned. Why hadn't I hit my sales target, why was I making half the amount of phone calls that the others were making? The others are doing better than you maybe you should shadow them I was told, learn from them… I felt embarrassed by this, humiliated. I realised that this wasn't the job for me...I needed to escape. I was waking up every day hating the thought of going to work, that’s not what work should be. You should be able to enjoy your work, feel passionate about what you do, be proud of what you do and I wasn’t. I didn't have the passion to sell the products I was supposed to be selling and I was just stuck in a rut going through the motions every day. I was wasted here, I thought. I had gone from the happy o?ce joker to a negative in?uence on all those around me in the o?ce. I had become resentful and non-productive. One day I just gave up, I was in a job I was “crap” at. I knew in my head it was time to go. I didn't even ?ght or question myself. I didn't enter survival mode and keep pushing whilst looking for a new career in my own time, keep getting paid enough to pay the rent whilst researching a new career plan, which would have been the smart move. I just stopped caring and that was it. I left that afternoon with zero regrets. It may have been a brief, unsuccessful period of employment but it's all part of my journey, it has helped shape me into the person I am today. I have grown from that experience; it was the catalyst for me wanting to improve myself and show everyone what I am capable of. I take solace in the fact that the world has come a long way in how it recognizes these situations within the workplace, how certain actions and changes in personality are observed and managed. A huge effort has been made in dealing with mental health within the workplace and it continues to grow and flourish which is encouraging, not just in the larger global companies but also the small enterprises and family businesses. Everyone is much more switched on to these issues and its effects, it’s great to see, it really is. Anyway, back to me becoming unemployed, it was a few days before I told my wife (then girlfriend) I had lost my job. I couldn't tell her. I felt small and insigni?cant. I felt like a waste of space and that she deserved better, someone with ambition, not me and with that I kept it quiet. Seems silly now but at the time that was exactly how I felt. My girlfriend left for work before me so for a couple of days I would get up with her, eat my coco pops and put my cycling stuff on (I cycled to work) suggesting that I was going to head to work shortly after her as normal but once she left, I got undressed and moped about the ?at watching Homes Under the Hammer and wondering how I would tell Kelly that her boyfriend was a loser. These aren't the actions of a rational, clear-thinking individual. I ?nally plucked up the courage to admit to Kelly what had happened and that I would struggle ?nancially until I found a new job. Other than being caught a little off-guard Kelly took it well. She accepted it, well, accepted me and my flaws I guess and didn't make me feel stupid. In a hurry and not to disappoint any further, I went for an interview with another sales company a week later and was subsequently offered the job, I turned it down. I would have just been going back to what I knew and that would get me nowhere. That’s the definition of insanity, right? Doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. I'd have ended up in the exact same situation a couple of months down the line. I decided that I needed a career not a job. I needed security and progression. I needed an opportunity to ful?l my potential. It was a risk, being out of work. Not being paid was a risk and it put a lot of stress on Kelly to fund our lifestyle as well as paying the bills but I needed time to ?nd the right role for me. I was lucky enough to get my foot in the door at a recruitment company. I wanted to be a recruiter, working in London. This company offered me a chance to do that without prior experience. I mean, I had to start at the bottom and work my way up but still, they took a gamble on a 30-year-old with no experience and for that I'll always be grateful to them. I never became a recruiter but I forged a new life in the world of compliance, HR and onboarding. I know, sounds exciting right…? but honestly to me it is! I am 38 now and my life is completely different. My job is great, I work for a great company and have a very important role… I ?nally have that career, I ful?lled my potential, I am no longer a failure. I have had to work hard for it though, I've made sacri?ces and the journey hasn't been easy but I got there. My girlfriend is now my wife, we have a lovely home and two beautiful little girls. I am blessed. I lead a good life and for that I am thankful. I now want to concentrate my efforts into helping others and to give back at any opportunity. There are probably people now in a similar position that I was In, perhaps thinking they are ?ne, struggling like I did that can't see a way out or a route to a new life. For a while I was unhappy, I felt insecure and pointless, I was in a dark place and that mindset could easily have manifested and that darkness could have preyed on my Insecurities. There may be people out there that haven’t been as lucky as me and found a way out. So, if one person… just one person reads this, takes inspiration and in some way, it comforts them to know they are not alone and it helps…then it has been a success. Hopefully we’ll continue to see more people, particularly men opening up, sharing their story, not suffering alone or trying to be someone they're not. It’s really comforting to see so much support for mental health and that stigma associated with it all but gone. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all amazing, there are still plenty of people out there struggling and still a lot of awareness that needs to be raised but we are stepping in the right direction. There is a lot of emphasis out there in the media encouraging people to share and open up but there needs to be more focus on the “listener”. There will be guys out there finally ready to take that plunge and completely pour their hearts out to friends and family and that will be a huge weight off their shoulders but as a listener if we don’t know how to react or respond to that, what good are we doing? This person is vulnerable and exposed and needs the right kind of response. They need to know that what they are saying has importance and shouldn’t be swept under the carpet or hidden away. For a person experiencing a mental health problem, having an empathetic listener can be calming and reassuring – even healing. I wish I had the courage to speak up all those years ago, it takes more of a man to admit to their frailties than to act the tough guy and conceal those feelings. Hopefully we can all play our part and have a positive impact on people's lives and help them manage whatever it is they are dealing with, encourage them to take that ?rst step for guidance, open up, talk and ask for help. I am always available to anyone, in confidence, that needs to share and ask for help, whether you know me or not and sometimes it’s easier to open up to a stranger in the first instance, you never know, it could give you the confidence you need. Don’t hesitate.

If you read this far…well done! Sometimes, I get carried away when I write but hopefully you take something from this. If you currently find yourself in the position I was, I hope I have in some way encouraged you, have courage, there is support, utilise it. Perhaps you’re reading this and it makes you reach out to those close to you to see how they are and I mean really are, then at least I have accomplished something with this post. Thank you

Part Two: Two Years Later, turning 40 and familiar feelings

Ok, so here we are. It turns out that Mental Health is here to stay, it isn’t something you just “fix” and move on from. This is ongoing, you are always going to be affected in some way or another, I guess that is just life. Two years ago, I decided to share my experiences with mental health and how I had been affected… what me? happy-go-lucky Glenn? The man with a thousand dad jokes, annoying his friends, family and work colleagues? Surely not…yep. Two years ago, I thought I had it all sussed out, and to a certain extent I do, however despite knowing what I know now and how to share and spread awareness, the last 12 months have been difficult, and in all honesty continue to be difficult. I have a life most would be envious of, I know that, and I’m extremely thankful, yet at times I feel completely drained, but how? why? I think I know, and I want to share these feelings and my experiences with you all. Not for sympathy, absolutely not, not my style at all, but I want others, that feel how I feel, to know they are not alone and that the way they are feeling or behaving is perfectly okay, and more importantly you guys aren’t alone. Now, I’m not saying this is purely a guy thing but let’s be honest here, men struggle to open up and talk about their feelings, right? So, what I want to achieve in all this, is to have others read this, feel a connection with it, a familiarity and tackle their own issues head on, learn to ask for help and support, and as I’ve mentioned previously if by writing this, one person benefits then that is an achievement.

Prior to turning 30 I was filled with anxiety and dread. I hadn’t achieved what I had set out, I had failed. Not just myself but I had failed everyone else, mainly my mum I suppose. Her son hadn’t amounted to much. I was once described as a square peg trying to fit through a round hole. That was during an interview in 2009, I’ve never forgotten that but do you know what, I proved him wrong…eventually. Anyway, I digress. What I’m saying is that I absolutely hated the thought of turning 30, I was old and I was a loser and that is what I wrote about previously but since then I have learnt a lot, I have grown a lot in that time. So, at 39 why was I suddenly feeling that same anxiety and stress. Ok, I’m turning 40, so what?! Life begins at 40 they say and I am a pro at this mental health thing now, I’m a huge advocate for men’s mental health, I feel like I’m an expert and can advise, I can support, my time has been and gone, I’m a happy guy but suddenly there I was feeling completely exposed and fearful of age. I felt like age was defining me, I had just worked it all out, built a career and now here I am approaching 40. Am I a middle-aged man now? Well, I do own a lot of cardigans. I thought I would be prepared for this, I thought I was ready to embrace my 40’s. Perhaps I was less prepared than I first thought. It has been widely discussed and written about that many people get depressed at reaching middle age. If you Google "middle age depression" you get over 2 million results. Many people are dissatisfied about their lives at the time they hit 40. It is often a time of reflection analysing where you are in life and what you have or haven’t yet achieved. I had my own bout with depression in my late 20’s as I hurtled towards the big 30. I didn't know what I was going through was quite possibly and very probably depression, I just thought I was losing my mind. At the time, I couldn't sleep, and when I did, I couldn't wake up. I wanted to hide and was so ashamed that I didn't feel that I could face the world. I felt like a big disappointment and a failure. Now, as I approached 40, I was beginning to have some of those same feelings, but I felt as if I shouldn’t have because I was in a good space. I have a wonderful wife and two amazing daughters, fantastic family and friendship group around me and I now had a successful career, I was going places and certainly moving in the right direction still so why was this number so consuming, why was being 40 so scary, I just couldn’t work it out. I am fit and healthy so age is just a number, right? However, there was an uneasiness rumbling within me and I just couldn’t explain or understand it, but I was coping differently, lessons learnt from before. I was now being open, honest and vulnerable when talking about the subject, additionally I was forthcoming and pro-active with it, and what I mean by that is that I was actively looking at self-care. I’ve felt like this before and I know how?not?to deal with it so it is important to look at the correct ways of managing my wellbeing and moving forward positively. Engaging with those around me seeking support. Some people I engaged with, perhaps ranted to, weren’t aware that I was using their time as a bit of a therapy session for myself, free therapy but it is very liberating to be able to be completely open with people and say you’re feeling shit or having a hard time rather than just saying “yeah fine, you?” Sometimes just having someone listen to you as you have a rant about things is enough, someone to make you feel like you’re being heard and what you are saying isn’t irrational or stupid and being able to do that this time round has set me on the right path in managing my own wellbeing and self-care. A big release for me is running. I love running, getting my trainers on, listening to music and running. Being with nature, especially in woodlands, farmland, nature reserves and country parks is what I crave, and I think it’s more about the “me time” than it is fitness. My goal when I run is to enjoy it, immerse myself in my own thoughts, resolve little conflicts and hardships in my head. More often than not solutions to problems come from my time running, processing the pros and cons of every situation. When I’m running, I feel free, without a single care in the world. That won’t work for everyone I’m sure, people are different, they may find their release elsewhere, playing golf, walking the dog but whatever it is, embrace that time and never sacrifice it, always make time for it because the moment you let that slip, those hard times will become harder, for sure. If you don’t have that release…find one. As I continued with my new found self-care regime I started to embrace being 40, hey, you know what, this isn’t too bad. I’ve got so much good stuff on the horizon, things to look forward to. I don’t want to waste that time feeling sorry for myself. Suddenly I was feeling good about being 40, joking about it. I had now fully embraced it, age can’t define me, I’m in my prime, my mindset completely changed. I will tell you one thing though, something that is depressing being 40 (actually at the time of writing this I’m now 41) is the scrolling forever for my year of birth online when having to enter your date of birth, nobody prepares you for that mental hurdle, that’s no longer just a quick scroll, that is a hard graft now, scrolling away, and the fact I’m now in the 40-50 age bracket really hits home. Next up, bus pass! Jesus…okay, okay, calm down, I’m getting ahead of myself. That’s how easy you can escalate things in your own head, just relax, enjoy the moment, and as I turned 40 I did just that, I enjoyed every second of it because I knew I’d look back at this moment in ten years’ time and feel so fondly about it. My wife took me to Athens for a long weekend to celebrate and it was one of my favourite trips ever, I loved every second of it. The history, the views, the food, drink, the company…everything was perfect, my mind completely at ease. That weekend I didn’t have a care in the world. However, when I returned, I had a new challenge ahead, testing times were on their way.

Three weeks prior to turning 40 and visiting Athens, an ominous email was sent out at my workplace and I was scheduled for a meeting, completely out of the blue I was notified that my role, along with others in my department were at risk of redundancy. Wow, didn’t see that coming. Huge shock. Immediately you start to wonder why. Why me? Am I not good at what I do? But you need to understand, it’s just business, nothing personal, it is what it is unfortunately, many companies are doing it presently, its tough out there. For me, I was gutted, the last 10 years I had worked so hard to get from dead-end entry-level sales jobs to where I currently was, and I was (am) immensely proud of that journey and what I’ve achieved but at that very moment the tunnel vision sets in and all you can see is that hard work falling away. It is all for nothing. The redundancy isn’t immediate fortunately. There was a three-month consultancy period where the business works on restructures and realignments of teams and functions. The plan is that they may be able to “re-house” you internally within a different team, whether that be a team in a similar position or whether there is something completely new to you but you have transferable skills or experience that could be suited elsewhere. So, there was hope that between September and December I may get a reprieve. However, the next three months you feel like you’re in a state of limbo, you don’t know where you are. Your work is affected. I mean you try to remain professional, continue as normal, you don’t want to burn your bridges plus if you continue to work hard that will show to the senior leadership team that you are worth re-homing. You want to show them that you add value and that you can’t let that talent go to waste but then there is a part of you, that devil on your shoulder, saying “na, fuck ‘em” (excuse my language). Why should I continue to work hard when it is clear that I am just a number and that I am replaceable. You need to find the right balance and I struggled with that because I felt under-valued and under-appreciated, and with that comes the motivation challenges and once that motivation begins to wain you are in big trouble because that will then affect your mood and that there, is the beginnings of a slippery slope. Fast forward three months, it is now 6th?December 2022 and the news I didn’t want had been confirmed, I was being made redundant. There was, fortunately a notice period of 3 months so, I was on gardening leave, which means I am non-operational but still technically employed. This meant I had to return my laptop and staff building pass and was to spend the gardening period at home, but on the bright side I would still be receiving my full pay up until that moment, and of course there was a redundancy payment at the end of it too. This was a period where mentally and emotionally I was, or at least I felt like I was, a bit erratic but perhaps that was just internally, I don’t know. I felt like my mind was in overdrive constantly. I was so up and down. One minute I was angry, and there are many emotional stages that you go through in a moment like this. They will vary from person to person of course, but everyone will experience the feelings of anger, resentment, fear, anxiety and inadequacy but there will also be some good points. There will be excitement, relief, perhaps even joy. Now, these emotions have no order, they will just hit you at random, sometimes all of them in one day and that can be overwhelming. If anyone is reading this at the moment that is experiencing redundancy, see you’re not weird, we all go through it. Trust me, you are not alone. For me, it started with anger. How dare they, after all I’ve done, why me? Why is that person over there not redundant, I work harder than them. You have some horrible thoughts and that is coupled with resentment and bitterness. However, the mood changes and then you begin to feel relief, thank god I’m leaving, I can make a new start where I’m appreciated and that is where the excitement kicks in, you start looking for new jobs, applying, building your professional network, updating your CV and in doing so I began to realise that, I am good at what I do, I’m am a hard worker, I am an asset, and your confidence grows as you begin to believe in yourself again… “I’ll find a new job, no problem”. On the plus side, I’m still being paid until March 2023 and during that time I can concentrate all my efforts in my job search, I’ll get snapped up by New Year and I’ll have the added bonus of having Christmas off with the kids. So, for the next three weeks, I just enjoyed it, enjoyed spending Christmas with the family. Visited Santa, Christmas markets, Christmas shopping. Sipped on a glass of Bailey’s at midday whilst watching Home Alone. Wonderful. It was a great Christmas.

At the beginning of 2023, after experiencing some disappointment in looking for external roles, I was presented with a secondment opportunity at my current employer. I was still at risk of redundancy but this short-term opportunity delayed the inevitable for six months. There was the opportunity that this secondment within Compliance could be made permanent at the end of the six months, in fact it was almost certain that it would be as in the interview, I was advised that the headcount was there to make it permanent, so despite the struggles to find work externally, I did have a lifeline internally. Now, even if it weren’t to go permanent, I knew that at very least, I would be gaining some new skills and experience within a Compliance function that would only enhance my job search and credentials. It was a “win, win” in my eyes. Compliance was a struggle initially, a lot to take in and learn, so many acronyms and corporate jargon and I struggled with it at first. Imposter Syndrome set in and I didn’t feel like I belonged. I had days where I was incredibly productive and others where I had achieved nothing and it was those days that I would remember. When you are critical of yourself, that’s what you do, you pick out your failures and ride with them, rather than celebrating the achievements and the more you do that, the more that imposter syndrome kicks in. I wasn’t na?ve enough to believe that there would be a happy ending, always be prepared, so I continued to look for external opportunities. There were plenty of jobs available on the external job market and so, I continued to apply, updating my CV with my new skills and experiences. Rejection was coming thick and fast. I wasn’t qualified enough, I was over-qualified, I wasn’t senior enough, I was too senior, there was always something that made me not employable but most of the time, and I will confidently say 75% of the time, my applications went completely unanswered. No response from the company, recruiters didn’t respond to emails and follow ups, it was soul destroying. You feel irrelevant. I decided that I needed to take a break from job searching. Looking for a job is a full-time job in itself. I was exhausted. I needed a break, so concentrated on my role in the Compliance team. I was focused and felt like everything was finally settling. I was managing my role better, I was pro-active in my approach, my understanding had greatly improved and for the first time I felt that I could do this. It was at this point, where I was at my most confident within myself, my self-belief, that the business decided that they would introduce a hiring freeze whilst also restructuring internally. I was advised that my position wouldn’t be made permanent after all. Here we go again, but I didn’t take it personally, it is what it is and I continued to pursue external opportunities. My role came to a conclusion and I returned to my gardening leave period, of which I had two months remaining. Ok, it’s not the end of the world. I have two months to find a new job and let’s look on the bright side. I had updated my CV with 6 months experience in Compliance in financial services, surely that’ll work in my favour, not to mention that I would now be immediately available which would make me more attractive to a potential employer. Perfect. I was on a high. I was looking forward to the search, there was an excitement there, I even planned on studying a professional qualification to enhance my employability further…my phone rang, it was my mum. My step-father, Ken, had been poorly recently and had seen the doctor for some tests…it was cancer…terminal…6-9 months to live.

Nothing can prepare you for that news. It is horrific, and I struggled to know how to feel. I mean, I was terribly sad, of course but I can’t be grieving because he is still very much with us, he won’t want us all moping about. We need to be there for him…and my mum. I was dealing with it well, but I felt I had to but then I would get angry at myself for not feeling sadder. Why wasn’t I crying? For the two months gardening leave I had left, I would spend 9am to 12pm applying for jobs then I’d visit the hospital, where I would spend 2-3 hours sitting beside Ken. He had bad days and some better days and it was tough seeing him so frail and vulnerable being cared for 24 hours a day. I did this every day for two months, because I wanted to, I wanted to be there for him but also so my mum could have some time off knowing I would be there so he wasn’t alone. During his hospital stay the Tour de France was taking place and we would sit there watching it together, whilst he told me all about it, the rules, the team set ups, who the lead cyclists were, what stages were coming up. Of course, I knew all this as a cycling fan myself but I never questioned what he told me, I listened as if I was learning something new, this repeated every day for three weeks. It was a fond memory as he seemed content and relaxed, we would even joke together, it was nice to have something to hold on to but it was deeply upsetting knowing what he was going through. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how he felt. Whilst the hospital visits continued, so did my search for employment, or daily rejection should I say. I was trying absolutely everything but was getting nowhere. My mental health right now was in the gutter. I hated seeing my step father like this, feeling helpless. He had done so much for me yet here I was powerless to help him. Also, I was unemployed and unable to find employment. Morale was at an all-time low. I was putting in an incredible effort with the job search. I was networking, engaging with professionals, ex colleagues, anyone that could help. I was tailoring my CV and cover letter to suit each role, highlighting my achievements and why I would be a good fit rather than just bombarding every application with the same generic CV. I was attending seminars on CV writing, Linkedin profiling, researching every company I applied to. I knew more about these companies than they did. I was investing so much of my time and effort into this, for what? Nothing. Not even an acknowledgement email in response. I get it, I’m not suitable for your role for whatever reason, that’s fine but please let me know that so I can concentrate my efforts elsewhere. Very, very rarely I’d get an email response and when I did, I would immediately get my hopes up, I mean why wouldn’t I? My CV and cover letter explains exactly why I would be great for that role, I matched the profile, had the experience, had provided examples of achievements in that area, but it was another rejection… “Sorry but”. I was tired. I was drained. I even had one recruiter tell me I was perfect for the role, all the right experience, immediately available, had aced the screening call interview, had even had a second and a third interview with glowing feedback…sorry we are going to go with someone else. Give me a break. I was done. At the beginning of August 2023, I went to Spain for 10 days with my wife and two daughters. I was there to completely relax, enjoy the sun, enjoy the uninterrupted family time. No other thoughts, just that. A bit of self-care in the sun. It was a fantastic holiday, loved every second but I still looked for jobs every evening. Every night, on the balcony with my Spanish lager in hand I was scrolling through role after role, applying, emailing, networking…I never had a day off. Rejection followed me to Spain; it wouldn’t leave me alone. After returning from our travels, I dived straight back into it but in all honesty, I hadn’t come back refreshed, if anything, I had come back with more anxiety and confidence issues than what I had before the holiday. One day before I was due to be made unemployed, my current employer offered me a chance to stay a little longer, and another secondment was agreed. Nine months this time. The role that I currently perform. Again, this has good and bad points. The pros are the fact I still have a job until June 2024. It is an opportunity to learn new skills and gain new experiences in an area of the business I have limited knowledge. I could be made permanent, there is a slight possibility and if all else fails it’ll make my CV look more appealing. The cons, however, are that it’s only a short-term contract so a lack of security, an area I know little about and with that comes my old foe “Imposter Syndrome” and it means I’m tied into a contract until June 2024 meaning I’m no longer immediately available to a potential new employer. The phrase “Imposter Syndrome” is something I mention often as it really affects me, even when I convince myself and others that it doesn’t but I am learning to understand it and all its complexities. Look, I am my harshest critic and that will never change but over the years, particularly in my 30s, I learnt to manage that. I learnt to accept myself, not to be too hard on myself and accept that I can’t be good at everything but what I can do, is enhance and develop those skills that I do hold in order to be successful. Utilise and embrace my strengths rather than wallowing in self-pity and anxiety. To be self-critical is to never feel content with yourself, like you have never done enough. Ultimately, it results in the feeling of not being enough. All your weaknesses, shortcomings, and mistakes are constantly top of mind, and it feels like you can never get relief from yourself. Sounds draining right? Well, it is, yeah, absolutely exhausting. Now, while some positive?self-criticism?can lead to healthy beliefs, attitudes, and emotions, including wanting to grow as a person or better yourself, too much of it or negative self-criticism ultimately limits growth.?If you feel like you are your own worst enemy, or that you are constantly getting in your own way, your level of self-criticism has likely crossed the line from helpful to harmful and that can set you on an unhealthy path towards depression and negative core beliefs about yourself such as, “I’m incapable”, then, every experience is viewed through the lens of those beliefs. Teaching yourself to be less self-critical is challenging, but it can be done. Increased self-awareness in order to notice your own thoughts and how your body feels physically are key to decreasing self-critical thoughts. Another aspect of decreasing self-criticism includes increasing self-compassion and acceptance, which is where I am trying to find the right balance and I feel like I’m slowly beginning to win that battle but, I tell you what, the whole lack of stability and security is the biggest killer in all this. I don’t want to leave my current employer, I like it here, I like the company, their values, the flexibility and trust but there is also part of me that just wants out, start again, a new challenge. How I feel about that, my stance on my future changes daily. My head is a haze at times with conflicting thoughts. I guess, ultimately, I just don’t feel settled, as nice as my new colleagues are I still feel like a spare part. They offer me support, guidance and allow me time and that is really appreciated but I’ve been here before, new team, hope of a permanent role and it all got pulled from under my feat the moment I got comfortable and because of that I feel like at times I’m not giving it my all. There is a feeling of detachment. I’ve had 16 months of having this redundancy cloud hanging above my head, every day it sits there, and all the time it’s there I feel like I’m in limbo. There’s that threat of uncertainty and insecurity forever looming, it doesn’t let up. It’s hard to explain because you want to try hard, give 100% because I need to prove myself if I want a permanent role here (and I do) but then you start doubting your own credibility and you hold back a little…why give it my all when I’ll be cast aside in a few months, but that’ll do me no good either as they definitely wouldn’t want to keep me on if that’s my attitude and who’d blame them and that is where I find myself, keen to impress without the effort, perhaps that’s a bit harsh on myself, as I am working hard, learning new processes, policies and principles, and in some cases, owning those processes and principles. The not knowing is hard, not knowing where my career will be in 6 months’ time. Wondering whether I’ll be able to provide for my family. Every day is like a rollercoaster, apologies for using an old cliché but that’s exactly how I feel. One minute I’m focused and working hard, the next minute I’m wondering why I bother and I’m scared of being out of work and unable to provide for my family, that is the reality of it all. I’m not down with all the materialistic things. I don’t need a fancy car to show off, I don’t need the Maldives, I’m happy in myself to not feel I need any of that as a justification of leading a successful life. I don’t need a champagne lifestyle and I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself. I just want to live a comfortable and healthy life with a good work life balance. Now that doesn’t mean I am not ambitious as I am, I want to be great at what I do, I want to seek improvement constantly in my career...but the only thing that I feel, that I really need, and I mean,?really?need is the reassurance that I’m a good husband and father, that I am a positive role model to my girls. My focus is ensuring that my daughters have a supportive, secure and encouraging environment to grow. What my children see as success is up to them and a path they’ll choose to take, and I will support them 100% in whatever it is they choose to do or become but for me, their future is my reward, that is paramount but recently I’m feeling like that security I provide to them is at risk. There is a risk that I may not be able to provide, we may need to compromise our lifestyle. The activities we do as a family may need to stop, if I can’t find employment soon, then our home could be at risk. I don’t want to be responsible for turning my kids’ lives upside-down and that is what plays on my mind EVERY, SINGLE, DAY. How are you? I’m fine thanks…truth is, I’m struggling, struggling to shut off my own thoughts. There is a brave face there and I strive for better but sometimes apathy can take you away from that focus and you lose confidence. That is where I am. I am exhausted, I feel run down I’m stuck in a rut, a career rut, struggling to understand where I should be. People ask, what does success look like? Nine times out of ten, it’ll involve all things materialistic, not for me, I am a success, my two daughters are proof of that. The next 6 months are so important and despite all these emotions, I am a positive person, I have hope and that is a powerful feeling, as long as you have hope, you open the door to success and with that hope there is determination. I have goals and targets and a belief that I will achieve them and everything will be alright in the end and I truly believe that and I will look back at this time and be proud of how far I’ve come.

Before I finish, there’s one more thing I want to talk about. My step father, Ken passed away on October 4th?2023. I wish I called him dad more often because he was, I grew up with him there, supporting and providing for me in the same way I talk about being there for my girls. I guess as a 4-year-old, when he entered my life, I was raised to call him Ken, perhaps it was his choice, being called dad may have felt weird to him but regardless of all the titles, that didn’t make him any less of a dad. Leading up to his death and in the weeks prior I struggled to show any real emotion, yes, I was sad, of course I was but I just couldn’t seem to let go. It was like I was bottling up this emotion but for why? To be a man? I don’t know, and I tried to let it out but it just wasn’t coming and I hated myself for not showing that vulnerability, it’s perfectly normal. I feel like I went through a grieving process before he had gone and perhaps subconsciously that had taught me to deal with it in the way that I was but I was angry with myself. I was angry for not showing more sorrow, I was angry because I hadn’t told him a lot of things that I wished I had and now I’d never get that chance. In the lead up to his death I was constantly feeling guilt. Guilt because I was getting on with my life as normal, I was guilty for enjoying myself on a night out, I was guilty for enjoying my holiday in Spain, staying in a house he had brought hoping to sit back and enjoy post-retirement. Why did I deserve to enjoy that and not him, everything seemed so unfair. I would be on a night out with friends, having a drink, enjoying myself, then I’d feel this sudden rush of guilt that I was happy and I shouldn’t be. I felt like a bad person for doing so. The day of the funeral was emotional, so many people showed up to pay their respects, an incredible amount of people and as I carried his coffin in, all those people witnessing, I suddenly felt vulnerable, all those emotions that I couldn’t find previously, all that sadness that I was keeping locked down below appeared at the surface. Grief comes to us all in different ways, and there were certainly two types of grief that I had encountered. Firstly, “Anticipatory Grief”, when you know the inevitable outcome is loss, you start to feel grief before you actually lose what’s important to you and I think that perhaps prevented me from feeling how I should or could have but what got me in the end was “Delayed Grief” which may appear as absent grief at first, feeling angry that you are unable to show emotion, but rather than remaining unexpressed, this is a form of grief that slowly emerges as the weight of a loss becomes reality and at that moment, I got my release.

The last couple of years have been tough, what with the risk of redundancy hovering constantly and with that a feeling of insecurity and fear. Throw in the constant rejection, my dad’s health and eventual passing and you have an unbalanced, unhealthy mindset that you desperately try to correct. Trying to remain in the positive boat whilst the sea of negativity tries to capsize you is exhausting but I’m staying afloat and that’s because I’m quite open and honest with it, or I try to be at least. I’m tackling these things, these thoughts, head on and I’m sharing. I tell people I’m having difficulty. Well, when they ask if I’m alright I say “yeah, fine” bit of an auto response that, sorry but then I’ve begun to elaborate on that, “actually having a bit of a tough time”. I don’t necessarily need a response to that, I don’t expect people to try and understand or unpack it or even give me advice but just an empathetic ear is enough, sometimes just having an opportunity to have a little rant is enough, so to anyone that has let me have that rant, whether you realised it or not at the time, thank you. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve learnt a lot over the last few years regarding mental health, wellbeing & self-care and I’d like to reiterate that my door is always open to anyone that may need support, advice or an empathetic ear. Don’t bottle all that stuff up, it’s unhealthy, it doesn’t do you or anybody else any good. Keep fighting the good fight.