Mental health lessons for my past self

Apparently the 19th November was International Men's Day (I know it's hard to keep track of the various themed days, weeks, and months - and I am not belittling the causes, just stating a fact that there are a lot of them!). But it acted as a good reminder that I've been wanting to post about mental health again. For those who haven't seen my previous one, it's here.

I've started to reflect on a few things I probably could have done with knowing earlier in my life. As always, if you are prepared to share your experiences and feedback on these, it is very welcome, as we are all different.

• Perception doesn't always equal reality
• Winter isn't the end of the world
• It's okay to feel like you're failing
• Emotional Intelligence isn't all about self-improvement
• Self-improvement is hard and can come with consequences

Perception doesn't always equal reality

Whilst this is increasingly true in general in a world of Generative AI deepfakes, selective sharing on social media, and increased remote working, it's not really what I am referring to. More, your own view of your achievements and self-worth can be distorted by your inner narrative and trying to second guess what others think of you.

Whilst I am still learning this one every day (my inner critic and the bar I set myself is high), trying to please everyone all the time is a long-term recipe for personal disaster. I am not suggesting you become a narcissist and don't listen to anyone else's view of you. Feedback is important, but make sure your perception is based on reality—formed from (ideally constructive) feedback and not a massive stack of assumptions.

Developing critical thinking and consuming news and data from a variety of sources is equally as important for your inner world as it is for the outside world.

Winter isn't the end of the world - it might just be SAD

Perhaps we just didn't know about seasonal affective disorder when I was younger, but I am pretty sure I suffer from it. Even the onset of winter in the UK tends to make me feel down. As many of you will know, I am pretty outdoorsy and like to get out on my bike, this is harder / more miserable in the winter.

I've now realised it's possibly more the transition into winter that is the harder phase; once I've accepted it's happening and adapted, it's fine - and when I can see the light of spring at the end of the winter tunnel I do a lot better. I do wonder whether many of the pagan / modern winter festivities are actually designed to be a distraction from how grim life can be in the northern hemisphere at times!

It's okay to feel like you're failing / actually failing. Things in the moment aren't as severe as they might seem

I wish I'd known about the concept of catastrophising earlier in my career. The tendency to jump to the absolute worst-case scenario when things don't go to plan. Classic examples include: a project hits a snag, and suddenly you're convinced your career is over, or you make a mistake in a presentation, and you're certain everyone thinks you're completely incompetent.

Looking back, I've probably spent far too much mental energy turning minor setbacks into career-ending disasters in my head. What I've learnt (the hard way, mind you) is that most of these 'catastrophes' look remarkably ordinary with hindsight. That presentation I "messed up"? Most people actually enjoyed it and didn't notice the minor mistake. That project that went sideways? It actually provided more learning opportunities than a smoothly executed one ever would have done. So it was ok that parts of it "failed".

To make real progress on this one (and I'm still working on it myself) is catching yourself in the moment. Recognising when I'm catastrophising and asking, "Will this matter in a week? A month? A year?" Usually, if I am honest, the answer is no, or at least, not in the way my anxious mind is suggesting at the time. Understanding this concept has been a game-changer for my mental health. However, I am still working on following it, and I guess I probably always will, as much of this is emotional feelings rather than logical thoughts.

Emotional Intelligence isn't all about self-improvement??

Emotional Intelligence is as much about working out how to work well with others. Particularly reading others and when to offer support / feedback / coaching for team members.

This gets more important as you take on more management and leadership responsibility, particularly in technical careers where analytical skills are what gets you into the profession but other skills are what make you an effective leader. Moving on from self-awareness towards empathy and effective communication is really important, as people look to you for guidance and to model positive behaviours.

Self-improvement is hard and can come with consequences

When I was in my mid-20s, I had a huge (but kind of subconscious) realisation: that if I wanted to get more out of life I was going to need to work on myself and develop new skills. Particularly when it came to my career - I needed to massively work on my communication skills, empathising with others' points of view and asking good questions. One of the big obstacles to this was that I had a tendency to talk too much and not listen enough. One of the worst implications was that I tended to interrupt people with my stream of consciousness far too much. I also tended to get argumentative and angry when others didn't agree with me. Making these changes was hard and took a long time (to a debatable degree of success!) and had knock-on impacts. For example, bottling up my anger in the workplace caused it to leak out in my home life more. Not airing my views might have allowed for external workplace harmony but created internal frustrations.

One of the things I unpacked during counselling a few years ago was not really knowing who the authentic me is anymore. I feel like I've made so many adaptations to fit in better to corporate world (with hindsight probably to mask some of my neurodiversity) particularly in consulting roles. So now, at times I am not sure what natural me really is. So whilst I hope I am outwardly a better person, it's created internal issues. Most of the time this isn't a big deal but there are times (particularly when stressed) when I go off the rails. The latest part of self-improvement has been spotting the early warning signs of this happening and trying to prevent it or mitigate the impact. Also recognising when I do come off the rails what some of my emotional architecture (to borrow a term from Lorne Mitchell) is and the value it provides me.

Closing thoughts

I really hope with our improved understanding of mental health and emotional intelligence the education system is now teaching kids more about these topics than they did in the 80s and 90s. As I said at the start, if you are prepared to share some of your revelations and learnings in the comments, I'd really appreciate it (and I'm sure others would get value from it too).