Mental Health Awareness Week - My Story

The evening after our A-Level results, everyone was out congratulating each other. I went home early. I could not enjoy it at all. It took 3 days for The University of Manchester to come back to me.

Not good enough to study Medicine. Gutted. I vowed that I would not fail again.

I felt that others were breezing through their studies with natural talents and capabilities. Meanwhile, I used grit and determination.

Nevertheless, I ended up with a 1st class 86 % average. I don’t say this to show off. The cracks of pressure I was putting myself under were already visible.

During the final project presentation, 2 eminent Professors laughing and joking with each other turned to me and said, “put your notes down and tell us about your project.” It completely threw me.

I felt exposed and like I didn’t know enough.

The dread and panic drained through me. I gave one-word answers and couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I ran down the corridor crying, and something switched that day. I developed an emotional allergy to presenting which ended up shaping my whole career.

I spent the next 4 years flitting from a graduate development scheme, to research business management then a teaching qualification. I was trying desperately to find something I was truly passionate about, but it didn’t happen.

How could someone with so much potential end up like this?

Anxiety and panic attacks took over. My world became smaller as the people, places and activities I felt comfortable with narrowed. On the outside, you wouldn’t have been able to tell, I was high functioning. On the inside, a daily internal struggle was taking place.

There was never any external pressure from my parents or anyone else, I created my own expectations and I wasn’t living up to them.

It sounds strange, but doing a PhD saved me. Although it’s highly pressured; from showing up constantly and at unsociable times to being self-motivated and reliant upon yourself for results. It was also somewhere I felt comfortable and I could excel again.

I’d had time and space during my PhD, but it didn’t give me the answers I was searching for. What next? By this time, I had just got married and we wanted so much to start a family. Couple this with a healthy dose of imposter syndrome and I settled. I took a postdoc, but I knew I wouldn’t become an academic. How could I?

I couldn’t present my work.

I didn’t know enough.

I wasn’t good enough to do that!

I was two-weeks into my postdoc and I fell pregnant. I was worried what others would think and my confidence was at an all-time low. I needed to push to prove myself so that I would get my contract extended and a job to go back to after maternity leave. I said yes to everything, became the go to person to get things done and took on more and more responsibilities to compensate for my anxiety and make up for being pregnant.

I had finally reached my limit. There was a tiny little miracle bean growing inside me and it deserved to have a calm space to grow and develop.

I tried everything; yoga, meditation, CBT and counselling. They all helped in their own way but what got to the very core of it was coaching.

The truth was, I was pushing to please everyone else.

Fear was the driver behind my actions.

I equated achievement with love.

I avoided confrontation and rejection at all costs.

Counselling got me 60% to where I wanted to be. Being coached gave me the elusive 40% back, whilst simultaneously unlocking a whole new set of skills and resources that I didn't even know existed within me. 

I found the tools so uncomplicated, yet profound that I went through a rigorous 12 month qualification to coach and teach these exact tools. I am now a fully regulated coach with over 60 gold standard coaching and NLP-based tools to support your journey. 

I absolutely love coaching, I find it such a privilege to be part of others personal development journeys. I now get to see and feel the impact of my work. Every. Single. Day.

Hannah x

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Dr Hannah Roberts is a scientist, mother and a certified and regulated coach. She runs a private coaching practice in Cheshire taking online clients. Download her FREE Guide "The Overachievers Guide To a Meaningful Career: How Anxiety Has Successfully Shaped Who You Are." Join her Facebook Community 'Breakthrough Unleashed.'

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