Mental Health Awareness - a true story

I was asked to post something to show our support for Mental Health Awareness week. I could post some nice, supportive and empathetic words, but instead I have decided to share this because its real.

It’s a bit of an essay, so apologies. It’s quite difficult to share something so personal on this forum, but I hope worthwhile.

Originally, I posted this on a website called Time to Change back in 2015.

Warning – it could be triggering if you have suicidal thoughts.

It’s a lonely old thing this depression malarkey.

Having suffered various degrees of depression on and off over the years I find myself at the age of 51 doggedly fighting what is the most profound and desperate black?time?I have encountered. This is?to?date an eight month war this?time?around. I continue?to?function - at work, at home, and socially, but I am dogged by suicidal thoughts on a daily basis and have had some extreme battles and particularly some difficult nights where these thoughts have laid siege.

It’s become clear?to?me that at least in my case there is a gulf of difference between thoughts of suicide and actually committing suicide. I have thought suicide through in great depth and spent?time?researching and have made meticulous and probably ridiculously convoluted plans, with a view?to?minimising the impact on others (as if), saying goodbye?to?my daughters in a way that minimises the legacy of a father who has taken his own life (again, as if!). I've written reams and reams?to?try?to?give those I would leave behind an insight into my innermost thoughts, emotions and pain. I found the whole planning thing cathartic if slightly bizarre and a bit addictive. The bottom line really is that I will never do it anyway. But there's the rub. Just because you know that you won't do it doesn't make the pain any less. And feeling this way continually over a long period is incredibly debilitating. At least if you do it, it ends! This is somehow even more painful as it goes on, and on..

So, what do I do?

I consider myself a fairly bright person. I am very self-aware and believe I have reasonable emotional intelligence. I have great empathy for others and am a very caring man. I have a degree in Psychology for what it’s worth – it’s a subject that has always fascinated me - I suspect therein lies a story?to?be analysed! I manage these horrific feelings in several ways. I keep them in perspective which is difficult, but I find doable - I know that the feelings ebb and flow and if I am patient things will?change. That's how it works for me anyway, I guess luckily. I do self-analyse an awful lot. Self-reflexivity is useful but can also be very emotionally demanding. I do tend?to?"self-medicate" (drink) which sometimes is quite effective in anaesthetising an immediate feeling but has a very negative cumulative effect on my outlook and there is a price?to?be paid so I constantly attempt?to?control the frequency and quantity of my drinking. I do have it under control but should drink less (hate should!). I try?to?exercise, and getting off my backside when all I want?to?do is crawl into a hole is very effective in changing mood if and when I can actually achieve it. The fact of motivating oneself is almost more rewarding than the exercise in itself. For the past two months I have also sought help via the doctor and been prescribed anti-depressants (SSRIs). It’s difficult?to?know actually how effective they are as there is no "control"?to?compare against. I have felt less suicidal but I might have done anyway. I have been unhappy with some of the side effects though and will look?to?wean myself off (with the doctor’s support) over the coming months.

Perhaps the best thing I have done, and this is definitely in response?to?this website, is?to?communicate my feelings?to?(some of) my support network which I am very lucky?to?have. The fear of judgement is quite difficult?to?manage, and choosing an audience is essential I think, but it really does help?to?share. I have experience in the past of people and organisations reacting negatively?to?mental health issues (depression and anxiety) but there seems?to?be a?change?in mood these days which is useful. The reactions of people are incredibly varied. Some people just don't get it. Some people run away. Some people get very upset. Some people (very close and trusted friends) don't talk?to?me anymore. Other people are fabulous, non-judgemental, supportive and just lovely.

I won't commit suicide. I will battle through this horror. I will be confident, charming, funny and gregarious again. Very soon. It’s my life, I'm dealing with it. I won't lose it?to?the thoughts I sometimes have because I am in charge of my thoughts, they are not in charge of me. I give them space, I learn?to?live alongside them, but I won't encourage them and over?time?they will wither and die. I won’t.

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Update. 09.05.2022:

I didn’t wither and die. I’m still here – happy, strong and getting on with life.

That was a terrible time but allowing family and friends to support me through it was the best thing I did and gave me the chance to rebuild.

People do care. People do understand. There is always a tomorrow.

Take care. Mike Oakley