Mental health is health.

I have to start with that before I start sharing way more than you're probably expecting. I want to clarify, this post is not for any "atta-girl’s" or "Oh, Annie, I didn't know’s" or any of that... it's about sharing, for clarity, for understanding, and hopefully, for a chance to have an honest dialogue.

Ok?

As of late, I have not been myself. I couldn’t put my finger on it. But it was a feeling that was so foreign to me, it was unnerving. I felt lost. I felt inadequate. It felt like it was an effort to be optimist, and that is SO NOT me.

My parents always said, “you’re the kid that’s looking for the pony in the box of manure.” (not a pretty metaphor, but you get it)

But in this cacophony of new insecurities, my loudest was my self-doubt.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s ALWAYS been there. But over the years, with practice and self-awareness, I had kept it at bay.

But now it is full bore, front and center, and full throated.

It’s untethered recriminations, along with the various things going on in my life right now, resulted in uncontrollable tears and sadness over what would normally be innocuous interactions.

Dread for what was to come, snuck in at the most inopportune moments.

I knew it was different. My past depressive state following my mom’s death, was not like this. I had to seek outside help.

Again, mental health IS health! That’s the point of this whole thing.

So, I sought help, and found it QUICKLY. I have a great general practice doctor, who has an awesome coworker therapist, and within 4 days, I had my diagnosis, short-term medication and therapy schedule.

I have officially been diagnosed with depression.

That diagnosis has been tough but freeing. I had been trying to control the negative by ignoring it, shoving it down. “This can’t be me! This ISN’T ME! Stop it, just quit it.”

Which only made it worse.

And then there was the guilt. “What do I have to feel depressed about?! My friends have FAR more going on, I’m so ridiculous. Suck it up. Don’t tell anyone. They’ll think you’re pathetic. Again, WHAT do you have to be depressed about?!?!”

But it turns out, it’s not just one thing, it’s a perfect storm of a litany of things.

And it’s ok for me to be depressed. Especially since I’m taking steps to hit it head on, and work through it. I’ll own it. I’ll hate it. But I’ll deal with it… with the help of others.

And that’s where you all come in.

I will tell you one thing. For someone in MY place, I’ve already decided I’ve let you down. I’m not a good friend. I’m selfish. I’ve overstepped or not stepped up enough. I see disappointment of me, in your eyes.

You’re not doing any of this, but this is what I’m feeling or seeing.

Logically, I’m aware of the ridiculousness of all this… and I expect I’ll see posts below about that fact. But it’s how I feel.

So, I withdraw, because why disappoint more, right? Why put myself in a situation where I might be judged, or worse, let you down?

Such is this situation for me, in this moment.

And when I perceive a misunderstanding, and I ask to talk about it, and you shut me down? Well, you don’t know my internal voice… but that small action just sent me into overdrive. Defensive, angry, sad, guilty, hurt, and worthless… they all go through the funnel of my current mind.

Doesn’t matter if it’s my personal life or my professional. ?For now, it’s the same.

I’m aware. I’m working through it.

I’m confident I’ll be an even better version of me on the other side of all of this.

For now, just like when I had my hip replaced (a medical health issue) and you brought food, sent flowers and wrote notes that made me laugh, I would ask (personally or professionally),

…if I reach out

…if I ask for a conversation,

…or if I ask for understanding if I don’t come to an event…

Please,

…take my call,

…participate in the conversation,

…and forgive me for bowing out.

Because if I’m doing those things, I’m trying to mitigate my mental health issue right now, and I’m asking for your understanding.

There are a lot of people out there, trying and asking, but they don’t have the strength to share it with you or anyone. So, please take a breath and be as mindful as you can be for those too scared to share, but who may need your understanding. I promise, you will make a huge difference with that small act. You may never know. But we’ll know, and someday, when they’re stronger, they’ll tell you what it meant to them.

You know me, I’ll tell you right after, and likely, if we’re in person, give you a hug.