Mental Health Act

I have prepared the following presentation to be read out at my hearing on June 12, but since it was adjourned to July 10 I asked to have it put in my file.

'I would like to know what symptoms I have for Dr Dileepa to say that I’m having a relapse. My diagnosis according to Dr Dileepa is irritability, grandiosity, persecutory delusions (by which I presume she meant my paranoia), inflated sense of self, poor sleep, my lost of appetite, my being spendthrift, hatred of my husband, not being able to look after myself thus harming myself; have I covered everything?

I have always looked after myself. When I developed chronic anxiety last year because my husband, someone I adored at a certain time, looked down on me - telling me that I was dumb, then stupid, then useless every single day whereas he himself was lazy, lost of all motivation… all in all his behaviours then represented all those I despised. I did try very hard to mend our relationship (Maree Burns the counsellor, and Dr Shane White can confirm that). I hated him. He had been a control freak and I allowed him to control me for 40-odd years. I tried not to do things he didn’t like me doing simply because I hate confrontations. I don’t have to repeat why I ran away from him, I’ve told the crisis teams, the psychiatrists, and nurse Paula all about that. It was because of the chronic anxiety which turned into acute anxiety, then panic attacks that I risked being put under the MHA and rushed to the White Cross hospital three times hoping to see a psychiatrist which had been denied of me even when I was willing to pay for the service. On the third visit to White Cross, I met a wonderful doctor who cared to listen to me, then he organised me to get help from the crisis team and finally Dr Shane White took me under his care. I thought I have exhausted all my self-help techniques and I still could not get out of the anxiety so maybe chemical intervention was necessary which resulted in my trying to see a psychiatrist. Anyway, if what I had told all the crisis teams who went to the hotels to see me had made notes on what situation I was in, any psychiatrist who has read them, will surely understand my situation. It was only after an outburst of all my grievances to Nurse Paula that I felt relieved and much happier and was able to attempt to mend my relationship with Joseph. So you can all see what talking therapy can do. And of course, Joseph has changed a lot, he no longer controls me (anyway he can’t anymore), although he still believes that I should be taking meds which he thinks is the only solution and which I totally disagree. He actually has gained back some motivation which? I’m so pleased and it is because of that which made it possible for us to be together again and no credit to the meds.

I am concerned about his health. I believe that if we want to live a comfortable life we need to generate income, and since I’m capable of that, at least I’m trying hard, I am totally happy to provide. In actual fact, I am the one who looks after him and myself now. So much so for not being able to look after myself.

Paying $9000 odd dollars for a cruise was the only present I gave myself. It was meant to release my stress and anxiety which I needed so badly. And how dare you psychiatrists accuse me of wasting money given to me by my mother. I had given over $40,000 to my daughter and her family, not to mention other amounts I gave to other people. I couldn’t go on that cruise because I was forced into the hospital. Until today I haven’t rewarded myself for anything in monetary terms. I said I would only spend when I got income. The fact that I stayed in hotels is because I didn’t have a home to go to and I could afford that.

When I told people about the things I would do, everyone was thinking that I’m having a relapse. And the lovely psychiatrists thought that I have an inflated sense of self. But I have done all the things I said I would do if not more. I am a very pragmatic person, I only embark on things I believe I can do.

Yes, I had paranoia and it had followed me for 50 years, but as I have told Dr Krancos I have gotten rid of it once and for all. Every time I had a ‘relapse’ it was driven by this paranoia. Now I am open about it and told all parties concerned about this paranoia.

If you said that I am irritable, well given a normal person who has undergone what I’m going through and when I was given a chance to talk about it but was interrupted and stopped mid-way through would someone ‘normal’ be irritable and angry just the same? So are you telling me that once I’m labelled bipolar I don’t have the right to be angry, to be irritable even when I have good reasons to have that justified?

Of course, I lost a lot of weight - more than 10 kgs, when for a long period I could not sleep or eat because of the acute anxiety. And I thanked Dr Krancos for helping me to sleep and regained my appetite. I had gained 8 kgs within 13 days. Then the increase in weight has levelled and become stable. I weigh around 52 kg now. Only if dr Dileepa has listened and she said she knew all about me because I have been under her care for so long, she knows nothing because she refuses to listen or read my file. Since I left the hospital I have had no problem in sleeping or eating whether I was on meds or not - between February 6 and April 4, I was not on any meds.

I have no problem socialising nor problem running my business or learning. I am such a positive person, I have talked people out of their death wishes and so far I have not failed one. So you still think that I want to harm myself or having a relapse? All I want now is justice!'

I was looking for a psychiatrist of my choice but was unsuccessful and instead, I was assigned one by the family court. I went to see her this afternoon and the following was the gist of our meeting,

'I have been to see Dr Dipti this afternoon. She acknowledges that I’m stable which I presume that she agrees that I am not having a relapse. However, she still thinks that I should be under the MHA. Her argument is that I can still run my business, I can still study, I could come back from Hong Kong in one piece and I haven’t had falls so I should not focus on the side effects. Just focus on what I want to do. I was frank with her by telling her that since the last injection (May 30) my cramps have not returned and I haven’t suffered from gout (I’m back on Allopurinol today, my blood test done yesterday shows an increase in uric acid). I must make myself clear that I am honest with them, I didn’t pretend to have the side effects when I didn’t just so to make my case stronger. I am not focusing just on the side effects, I’m simply noting the messages my body sends me. And I frankly told her that if I’m not under the MHA I will not take antipsychotic meds so she decided that she would apply to keep me under the MHA. At this point I can see that it is useless for me to argue anymore, so I said ok I agree to that as long as the side effects are not affecting me. Now I just have to see how much will the side effects affect me and are they easing. I will write another presentation for the court hearing stating why I agree to be under the MHA.'