Mental Depression to Suicide | Part 4: Childhood Trauma

I find myself entangled in a web of love, hate, and envy. On one hand, I admire parents who shield their children from trauma, yet I harbor resentment toward them for potentially raising vulnerable offspring in a harsh world. This internal conflict twists into envy, directed at both parents and their children. I yearn to experience the nurturing care they provide and to have them as my own.

Have you ever contemplated how your life might differ if you had taken control during your formative years? Perhaps you've reflected on the childhood you missed due to a rigid upbringing—one that left you emotionally stunted and unprepared for adulthood. It's curious how we often find comfort in the burdens of grown-up life, even when they echo the restrictions that robbed us of our innocence.

This emotional dissonance complicates our connections with peers. We may mimic their behaviors, but they see through our fa?ade—an attempt to reclaim a lost part of ourselves. Our childhoods lacked positive experiences, and even the well-intentioned rules meant to shape us deepened the void within. Now that void has become an abyss, unfillable by adult pleasures or responsibilities.

The mistreatment we endured as children becomes ingrained, like a warped religion. Self-trust wavers, and we doubt everyone's intentions. Ironically, our fear of appearing inferior or failing to connect prevents us from seeking the very help we need to heal.

Part of me longs for a carefree childhood, but I recognize it as a fantasy. My self-esteem lies shattered, riddled with doubt and the tremors of past trauma. My so-called "parents" defined success narrowly, expecting me to follow their path without question. When I dared to be different, their response was toxic—a mix of disapproval and provocation, devoid of genuine guidance.

Caught in this emotional maelstrom, I both admire and despise parents who protect their children. I yearn to be the nurtured child, embraced by loving guardians. Yet, I'm painfully aware of the impossibility of this yearning.

The burden of a traumatized childhood now manifests as anxiety, weighing heavily upon me. Depression suffocates, and my mental state feels powerless. Even if I could somehow overcome my depression and past trauma, the allure of suicide remains—an ever-present dark current fueling my despair.

End of Part 4: Childhood Trauma.