Mental Depression To Suicide| Part 2: A Happy Future In The Past|

Mental Depression To Suicide| Part 2: A Happy Future In The Past|?

Doing something that would have made me happy in the past, in the present day, might fill the void and abyss inside me. Yet, I find it unfulfilling because I am no longer the person I once was. So, I shun a potentially happy future to seek a happy past, fueled by a raging desire to find fulfillment and end the mental depression that torments me, hindering any present or future happiness. Either way, the result, not the outcome, is likely suicide.

Has it ever dawned on you that no matter how happy or joyful you are in the present, you still feel a void and an abyss? Some say, "No amount of money can buy happiness." For me, no amount of happiness or joy in the present can bring the satisfaction that could have come from past happiness. Fear and rebuke kept me from pursuing it.

At times, I find myself happy, or perhaps ecstatic, over certain things. Then, after the happiness or ecstasy fades, I find myself thinking, "I can't feel this happiness. Maybe I should have felt this happy a decade ago, half a decade ago, or even a quarter of a decade ago." I reminisce, remembering not only the fear but also the pain. When opportunities for happiness presented themselves, I fled in fear of being happy, of being labeled loose and disobedient. Even when they say, "Happiness is an inside job," I look back and realize the external opportunities for happiness that I rejected, which could have filled the void to some extent. With that fulfillment, I might have found satisfaction in my present happiness and looked forward to a joy-filled future. Tragically, or perhaps romantically, I yearn for a happy future in the past.

Some say, "Learn to let go of the past and move forward." But I believe the past is the foundation for moving forward. Letting go of past glories allows you to pursue new ones. However, my depressed mind and I are obsessed with reconstructing a glory that never was but could have been, had I been different or the circumstances different. I've become more fixated on finding satisfaction in a nonexistent happy past than enjoying my current happiness and working towards a happy future.

Why? It's because I believe I passively fled from happiness, and now it haunts me. It's similar to blessings you should have received but rejected due to pride or ignorance, returning as curses.

My current mental state can't connect with the illusion of a happy past future that I've created. This illusion was built to fill the void and abyss within me. I hoped that finding satisfaction in the past would allow me to appreciate present happiness and look forward to the future. Tragically, the constant failure and purposeless struggle associated with this illusion and the void have intensified my depression. My mind now craves death at my hand, a desperate attempt to escape the mental depression that relentlessly tortures it. It seems my mind believes that becoming a void would somehow free it from the pain.

The failure to be happy in the past has led to seeking a happy future in the past for present and future happiness. It's all in vain if I fail to seize the opportunities for happiness that were presented to me before. No wonder I flee to a happy past with a depressed mind, knowing that by the time I reach that destination, I will be a victim of suicide. After all, I know that finding a happy future in the past won't be fulfilling. I am no longer who I was when I desired that happiness, yet somehow still crave it. This will only lead to more depression, with the ultimate "blessing" being suicide.

End of Part 2: A Happy Future In The Past