Men's Retreat, Podcast, & Book Recommendations
James Traub
Divorce & Wellbeing Coach | Guiding Parents to Their "Best Possible Divorce" | Men's Work Facilitator
Men's Sacred Liberation
This past weekend I had the joy and pleasure of attending a half-day men’s retreat in Charlotte, NC led by Dr. Brian Strahine, Mason Tomasek, and James A Dial.
I'd never considered a 'retreat' as something less than a weekend away, so I was super interested to see how much connection and transformation could be created in just 6 hours...
...and I was blown away!
I'm sure you've got a friend or colleague with whom there is no need for pleasantries; you're able to quickly connect and get right into the heart of the matter--and so it was during this retreat.
6 hours of being intimately present with others allows a lot of space for things to emerge and transform.
Since facilitating my first men’s retreat in early November, I’ve been eagerly awaiting our next event on Feb 16-18, but now I’m eager to get something quick and dirty on the calendar in January.
I highly recommend checking out Men's Sacred Liberation and look forward to joining Brian for his upcoming events. I'd also encourage anyone reading this (who lives in NC) to consider attending a future event as well.
They’ve got a Cold Plunge/Hot Tub BBQ coming up on Jan 20 and their next 3-day retreat is planned for March 15-17.
Learn more at www.brianstrahine.com
?? The Journey Inward Podcast
When you’re out of sync with someone important (boss, employee, friend, parent, partner, child, etc.), it tends to wreak havoc on your entire life.?
Likewise, when your important relationships feel solid and connected, it’s an amazing springboard for leaning into your edge and finding ways to grow and really get yourself to the next level. ??
So, I was thrilled this past week to have the opportunity to interview a dear friend of mine (H.M. Humphrey, M.S., LCMHC, NCC) who is a couples therapist and ask her my most burning questions about what tends to go wrong in intimate relationships (and what it takes to create the depth of intimacy and connection we all secretly yearn for).
As you’ll discover in this conversation, the crux of it all comes down to vulnerability (being willing to open up about what’s REALLY going on).
Easier said than done, right??
In this episode, we explore the fears and obstacles to achieving greater intimacy and vulnerability in relationships, not only from a therapeutic lens, but also through the lens of being a 'dude' and the things that frequently come up as men consider whether (or how) to work on improving their relationship.
Link: Ep02 - Creating Connection & Depth in Intimate Relationships w/ Helen-Marie Humphrey (alternate link if you don't listen on Spotify)
The quality of your life will be determined by the quality of your relationships.
?? Books I’m Reading Right Now
?? Turning Pro by Steven Pressfield
If you’ve been following these newsletters, you’ll recall that last week I recommended three podcast episodes from The Great Man Within podcast.
Well, in one of those episodes there was a fascinating discussion about ‘going pro’, based on the book ‘Turning Pro’ by Steven Pressfield.
This book is a QUICK read (most chapters are only 1-2 pages and you can finish the whole thing in an evening) and I suggest that all men should give it a read.
Below is an excerpt to give you a flavor of what 'going pro' is all about:
“The thesis of this book is that what ails you and me has nothing to do with being sick or being wrong. What ails us is that we are living our lives as amateurs. The solution…is that we turn pro.
Turning pro is free, but it’s not without cost. When we turn pro, we give up a life with which we may have become extremely comfortable. We give up a self that we have come to identify with and to call our own. We may have to give up friends, lovers, even spouses.
Turning pro is free, but it demands sacrifice. The passage is often accompanied by an interior odyssey whose trials are survived only at great cost, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. We pass through a membrane when we turn pro. It hurts. It’s messy and it’s scary. We treat in blood when we turn pro.
Turning pro is not for everyone. We have to be a little crazy to do it, or even to want to. In many ways the passage chooses us; we don’t choose it. We simply have no alternative.
What we get when we turn pro is, we find our power. We find our will and our voice and we find our self-respect. We become who we always were but had, until then, been afraid to embrace and to live out.
Do you remember where you were on 9/11? You’ll remember where you were when you turn pro.”
You might expect that the ‘amateur’ fails to accomplish much in his life, but that’s not what the author explains.
Amateurs enjoy great success and accomplish many things, but they’re playing life at 80%.?
And that 20% that you don’t lean into compounds big time over the years.
The chapter on ‘shadow careers’ really hit home for me, and exposed one of the primary methods by which we (men) fail to achieve the great things we expect of ourselves.
Do yourself a favor and buy a copy for yourself this holiday season.
?? Improv Wisdom by Patricia Ryan Madson
领英推荐
This book was referred to in Turning Pro and the hook in the title had me, well, ‘hooked’. ??
It’s been an intentional practice for me this past year to let go of my need to control situations and have a sense of how they’ll play out (before getting into them).
I’m unaccustomed to having ‘faith’ and ‘trust’ in a divine process, yet the more I lean into this way of being, the more I find that things have a way of working out (and, often, delightfully so!) ?
So this book really appealed to my desire to ‘just show up’.
I’m only a few chapters in, but already I love it.
In the opening pages the author makes an argument for how improv--which we often unfairly put into a box, labeling it as a tactic for creating humorous unscripted moments on stage--can actually be a powerful attitude towards living life itself:
“Change the habit of getting ready for life in favor of getting on with it now. We often substitute planning, ruminating, or list-making for actually doing something about our dreams…The habit of excessive planning impedes our ability to see what is actually in front of us. The mind that is occupied is missing the present.”
?? The Lover Within: Accessing the Lover in the Male Psyche by David Moore
I’ve previously mentioned the book ‘King, Warrior, Magician, Lover’, which is the current subject of our men’s reading group.
It’s a fascinating exploration of the mature masculine archetypes of C.G. Jung and the difference between Boy psychology and Man psychology.
What isn’t commonly known is that KWML is just the first in a 5-part series that explores each of the archetypes in a much greater (and much more academic) detail.
To be fair–not everyone is going to love these deep dive books.
If KWML is reading at middle-school level, The Lover Within makes a quick jump into post-graduate study.
But because the Lover archetype often becomes dominant in the late 30s to early 50s (and is responsible for much of the dreaded ‘mid-life crisis’), it’s an important read that I was willing to chew through.
This book really helped expand my understanding of 'libido' as more than a hunger/thirst for sexual pleasure, but as a driving force in a man's life that connects him to the felt emotion (yes, pleasure AND pain) of being brilliantly alive and allowing life to flow through and out of him into some sort of creative pursuit.
Another important point not made in KWML is that men progress through the archetypes in the order of: Warrior, Magician, Lover, King.
The first two archetypes (Warrior and Magician) are inherently disconnected (from others, from community, from nature, from source)--so the Lover energy is an important (and often uncomfortable) entry into the world of experiencing life in the heart (as feelings/emotions), and not just in the head (as thoughts).
This book also provides a deeper exploration of the shadow sides of the Lover.
The Addicted Lover (active shadow) falls victim to the pain and pleasure of a felt experience and drowns himself in drugs, alcohol, porn, work, exercise, or some other activity. Rather than harnessing his 'libido' and using it for creative and generative purposes, it consumes him and limits his ability to share his unique gifts with the world.
The Impotent Lover (passive shadow) remains mired in the 'thought' of doing all the things the Lover would do, but without actually engaging in such activities. This is the man who, instead of cultivating and experiencing deep and intimate relationships with actual women, cultivates an extensive collection of pornographic images of women. He's inspired, but falls short of actually engaging with life in a meaningful and generative way.
I am fascinated with the Jungian masculine archetypes (and they feature heavily in the coaching I do) and personally got a LOT out of this book, however I don't recommend this book for anyone with only a casual interest in the topic.
?? A Handbook for Constructive Living by David Reynolds
Don’t ask me how this book ended up on my radar.
Well, actually, it ended up on my radar as a result of Amazon’s recommendation engine (and I’m thankful it did!)
Those who are close to me know my passion for the last year has been emotional intelligence.?
As someone who spent several decades operating primarily out of my head, it’s been nothing less than a paradigm shift to begin to explore and appreciate all the wisdom of what our emotions are here to tell us.
That said, it’s a dangerous proposition to allow how we feel to dictate what we do–yet, that’s so often what happens.?
As someone who struggled with anxiety and panic attacks for many years, I’m no stranger to letting my emotions get in the way of doing the things life required of me (and doing the things I wanted to be doing!)
This book is a contemporary synthesis of two Japanese psychotherapies (Morita and Naikan) that aims to turn conventional Western psychotherapy approaches on their head:
“The bottom line…is that no one lives on a perpetual high and everyone has to live through some pain. Our time is better spent getting done what is important for us to do in life than staying on our guard to bypass suffering. Playing life by the tactics in pop-psychology books can actually distract us from more important purposes and goals.
In these pages you will find the strategy that will pay off in greatest life satisfaction. That strategy does not involve minimal misery. It involves maximal accomplishment.
I am asserting that when major life goals are built around keeping emotional distress at a minimum and feeling good or confident or joyful or loved or any other delightful mental state, then the real-life payoff won’t meet expectations in the long run. Disappointment results, and dissatisfaction.
On the other hand, when we set ourselves behavioral objectives, and do something to achieve them, we run a better chance of both accomplishing our aspirations and also (as a sort of side effect) of keeping unnecessary misery to acceptable limits.”
This is the first of several books I've purchased on this topic and I see it as a terrific complement to emotional intelligence (I also have a very palpable sense that CL will transform the way in which I approach coaching).
After all, how many of us can relate to the agony of delaying action that we know needs to occur as a result of uncomfortable feelings?
Time's up for this week ??
?? Before we go, if you like this newsletter, please share it with your friends and family.
It would help a lot ??
See you again next Tuesday.
James