Men's Responsibility in a post-Roe world: An open letter to the men in tech

Last week, when we woke up to the rights of half the US population being turned back half a century, I was going to write a different article. My first instinct was to sound the clarion call to my community of women in tech to be strong and take their power back.

But then I thought. Wait a minute.

There's a resource that we can leverage here - the support of the people who continue to hold a disproportionate share of power in the world - men.

Especially men in positions of power in our workplaces.

So if you're a woman reading this, consider forwarding to a male friend or colleague and ask for their commitment to take action on at least one point. In later posts, I'll speak directly to you and offer you some strategies on taking more power yourself.

Look, this is not about your religious beliefs or stance on abortion. Universal agreement on this sensitive topic is less likely than any of us being struck by lightning on a sunny day while in a bomb shelter.

Regardless of whether you think abortion is moral or reprehensible, the fact is - until two weeks ago that choice belonged to women. Today, it belongs to the men in power who took that choice away.

And as professional women, working in some of the most advanced technology companies of today, we have a certain privilege. Whether that is access to money and the ability to solve any personal crisis that arises, or access to resources and opportunities denied to many of our low-income sisters on the fringes of the economy, the truth is that we're somewhat immune to the specific effects of this law.

But with privilege comes responsibility. The responsibility to use our privilege for the uplifting of all girls who seek professional realization. And the responsibility to maximize our potential and talents to climb to the highest peak of our careers that we can envision. So that we can act as role models and make it easier for other women to follow our lead.

We do that the smart way. We don't go into victim-hood, give up or waste our resources and talents. That would be weak and irresponsible.

Let's do something smarter, shall we? One of the smartest things we can do together is to elicit the ally-ship of a very strong and powerful group - the men in our workplace.

So, right now I'm going to address these professional men directly and ask them for support.

Dear professional men,

First of all, thank you so much to so many of you for believing in us when we were starting our career and supporting us along the way. Whether through simple words of encouragement or by directly sponsoring and mentoring us, your support has often meant the world of difference.

Without you, we wouldn't have had the courage or confidence to attempt some of our career climbs where we lacked female role models. Truly, your support means more than you will ever know, even if we don't tell you this. Please keep it up.

Please understand that at this time many of us may be confused, scared, angry or withdrawn. It hurts to see rights we took for granted being ripped out. We are scared of what could come next. The truth is that at this time, we need your support more than ever.

Here's how you can help:

1) Treat your female colleagues and direct reports like you would your sisters or daughters, especially when it comes to seeing our talents.

We are not asking that you show us any special treatment relative to our male colleagues. Understand that we are often self-critical, much more self-critical than the boys. So, whenever you notice that we did something well or we are good at something, please speak up and point it out specifically.

It may take several attempts and multiple repetitions for your observations to pass through our thick inner-critic shields, but trust that it will happen.

And when it does, it will be like watering a plant. Our confidence will blossom and we'll surprise and delight you with even more commitment and hard work. Please be persistent with your spotting of our talents and pointing them out to us every time.

2) Ask us how we are doing.

Please remember to take a minute to ask us how we're doing. Even if we're in our 40's and 50's and look like we have it under control. The truth is a lot of us are barely surviving, trying to desperately compartmentalize an avalanche of responsibilities from the high level of commitment we have to our work.

A lot of us are dealing with stress from taking care of kids during the pandemic, sick parents, home obligations, frustrated partners, health challenges and the heartbreak of long fertility struggles. Often times, this pain is very private and we feel alone.

We promise not to spill our guts when you ask us how we're doing.

The fact that you care to ask will give us precious wind under our tired wings and will sustain us for a long time.

Please be genuine and don't be afraid to share some of the same struggles you or someone in your home may be going with. That will help us build trust in our relationship, which for many of us will mean great loyalty.

3) Show interest in our goals and aspirations. Especially if you're our manager, skip manager or have a position of authority in our organization.

Go ahead and ask us what we want to be when we grow up.

Dare us to dream big and tell us the stories of how you pushed yourself to grow back when you had no clue what you were doing and when someone took a chance on you.

Remember that time? How good it felt that someone wanted to mentor and support you?

We promise we'll make it worth your time to invest in us. And investing may simply mean encouraging us to set big goals that we can get inspired by. Knowing that you're on our side, that we're are a team. Even if it means looking for new horizons beyond what's available in our immediate organization.

You know that the best managers are more interested in cultivating people than keeping them trapped, right? Someone like you deserves the reputation of a great people developer, don't you think?

We think so.

4) Consider us for the next big project.

You know Scotty, our peer with the bravado who's constantly asking you to give them the next juicy project? He may be smart, but we resent him. Secretly, we wish we had the guts to ask you for the same. But it's super hard. A lot of us are socially conditioned to not "toot our own horn", "be selfish", "be loud", so we're often quiet, waiting for you to give us a vote of confidence.

Go ahead.

Ask us the next time a project comes along that may be big, scary and audacious, if we're up for trying our hand at it. You may be surprised at the gleam in our eyes and the excitement in our voice.

And we assure you, your project will be in capable hands, even if we express doubt and hesitation that we may not be ready. Nobody ever is perfectly ready when these opportunities come by. You know it.

5) Make a point to give one of us a seat a the (virtual) table in every meeting.

Here's the thing. A lot of us will have our cameras off during a Zoom call. At in-person meetings, we will gravitate towards the back row of the room. Please don't read this as a sign of weakness or lack of preparation or competence.

We often want to make sure all voices are heard and that we're not derailing your agenda. We may have a lot to share and will be looking for just the right opportunity to raise our hand.

We may have a baby crying on our laps or a puppy chewing our computer cable. Either way, please understand that we really want that seat at the table and the opportunity to speak.

So invite us. Make it a point on every Zoom call to proactively invite a female colleague to speak up and share any comments or thoughts she has. For in person meetings, please pull out a chair at the table and motion for a female colleague to sit up front. I guarantee you, you will be pleasantly surprised at our contribution during the meeting.

That's it. It's simple. We want to know that you see us and want to support us. That you care.

Can you do that? Can you commit to taking at least one of these actions on a consistent basis?

Thank you for your support and feel free to forward to other men in your work. You are at the center of an important ripple effect for all women in your work and life.

With much gratitude,

Lisa