Men’s Mental Health - Why men are forgotten and what to do

50% of our population has been forgotten about in the mental health space. Not only are we all in part to blame, but we are all responsible for fixing it and it will positively impact everyone.

The world has changed a lot in the last few decades. While we still see inequalities of all degrees, there have been small but positive shifts in women's rights, employment opportunities, and pay. Wider acceptance of pronouns, genders, and identity of minority groups is slowly becoming more normalised, and blockades like section 28, which prevented certain rights of homosexual people in the UK have been lifted. It is still shocking to me that it wasn’t until 2013 that gay people were allowed to be legally married in the UK.

It is also correct to say that mental health is a very important topic for all sexes, genders, and races, with every group facing a unique set of problems, stigmas, and support levels. Not JUST men. BUT…

Men HAVE been forgotten and It would be an injustice to say that this isn't correct. While it hasn't necessarily been a conscious decision to ignore men, it is a divide that has been created by both sides, albeit in different ways.

While mental health is becoming more normalised and prioritised, there is still a stigma attached to men's mental health and the support that is out there.

Here are some shocking facts that highlight this disparity:

• 43% of men admit to regularly feeling worried or low (Mind UK)
• One-fifth of men have been diagnosed with mental health conditions (National Archive)
• ?Approx. 75% of suicides registered in 2020 were men.?
• Approx. 86 men commit suicide every week. That’s nearly 1 man every 30 seconds.

Now, let's be clear. This DOESN’T mean that men are more depressed than women, it's not because of modern men's inability to get on with it, nor does it mean that we stop focusing on mental health in other gender groups.

What it does mean, is that what is currently available isn't suitable for men and that something needs to change.

But why, and what do we do?

Addressing Culture

In case you are wondering, this article is written by a heterosexual, mixed-race 31-year-old man from a good upbringing in the UK. I am not religious, and I am not judgmental of most people's beliefs (but some people are just plain nasty), but I do not fit the norm of beliefs and understanding of men's mental health as it stands today. I am open about the way I feel, it has taken a lot of work and I am by no means a finished article. I am on a journey, that takes time, effort, and pain. But, I understand where people are coming from and It is my wish to bring people with me. Think of it as a carpool for a long journey in the right direction.

In the cities of the UK, we are more "progressive" than some nations. Although British people naturally have a mask with most strangers, we mean well and are kind on the whole. We have also learned in the last few decades that the state of play has needed to shift.

However, this may not be the case with a lot of cultures, and history has been more kind to some than others. In some countries, it is still illegal to be homosexual, mental health is not a factor in people's lives and individualism doesn't exist. We are blessed that in the UK, this isn't the case. But as a hub of the world, we are surrounded by differing cultures, and it is important to respect that, but more importantly, UNDERSTAND that people may not have had the same journey as you.

This article focuses on the state of men's mental health in the UK and the impact that British history may have had.

Stigma and Society #1 - Men

Stereotypical British Male culture is historically one of macho masculinity, status, and stiff upper lips. The Blitz spirit of "Keep Calm and Carry On" sums it up pretty well.

Victorian ideals were bound up in etiquette, social unwritten rules, and a lack of males displaying emotion. It wasn't a man's place to cry or to ask for help.

We think of men's culture as being down the pub with a pint and with mates, watching football, and shouting at the screen anytime someone hasn’t taken a penalty awarding dive.

Until the 1940s, it would be normal for the man to be the only earner in a household. It's therefore not ok to admit that something might be up, as there is no other option but for them to carry on. It doesn't mean that men didn't "feel" anything then, but they were told to bottle it up and not to share it.

None of these environments or situations breed a safe space for men to understand or talk about what they may be feeling. It is unbecoming and unhelpful. And we are still living in the wake of this.

Being open about struggling in these male-dominant environments has been and is still seen as effeminate and a sign of weakness. "A real man would be stern and unbothered, focussing on protection and providing for a family". Males have painted being emotional as something that women do.

But guess what, being angry at the football, celebrating a win at the horses, or being in love with a woman are all emotions too…but notice they all positively enforce stereotypical masculinity.

Why have we attached certain emotions to certain genders?

Bringing up emotional issues in male groups is often thought of as a bit of a buzzkill. Male friendships should be all about fun, projects, and adventure. Not about telling them how you are struggling with a sense of purpose.

Stigma and Society #2 - Women

The association between men and emotion from a woman’s perspective has often been a negative one.

You may have heard of:

• Men who are aggressive and unaware of their feelings.?
• Toxic masculinity and the emotions linked to it.?
• Emotional unavailability.
• "Nice guys finish last"

It's important to address the term toxic masculinity here. I do not believe that toxicity is purely masculine behaviour; toxicity travels beyond gender, beliefs, and identities. Being a man doesn't make you toxic; hurting yourself, being unheard, and mixing with negatively influencing people will make you toxic.

It may be correct to say that the country is patriarchal to a degree today and has been for centuries. But with the empowerment of women coming to the forefront, there is an element of feeling that "men are the enemy" and that as men we should "do better".

But the issue here is that no one has defined what "better" means.

While for women is often natural to talk about how they are feeling when they meet up with their friends, I genuinely believe most women don't expect and don’t know what to do when a man opens up to them. Particularly a heterosexual male, that may be their partner or friend.

We romanticise the Mr. Darcy figure who seems jaded and closed off from letting a woman in and then decides to lower his guard for love.

But then what? We don't see what happens when he tells Elizabeth that he is struggling with his mental health. None of us have been prepared for it.

Language

The mental health and self-care world has so far been dominated by women. This isn't a bad thing and as we mentioned, women are more naturally attuned to talking about how they are feeling with their friends. This was proven to me recently when I attended a talk about Self Love at one of London's biggest retail stores, where the crowd of about 40 included only 4 men including myself, and the panel was made of up 6 people, of which only 1 was male.

But what this has meant is that the current mental health world is built up in a language that isn't necessarily so accessible to men in today's society. Terms like "self-love" or "self-care" define an incredibly important part of mental health, but the words may bring thoughts of bubble baths, facial masks, and herbal tea drinking.

Perhaps a term like "self-welfare" or "self-attentiveness" could be more appealing to the male population and therefore increase uptake.

Going back to the origins of words that may have lost their appeal to men is a way that could help open up practices to those who would normally be turned off by the idea. For example the word "Meditate" comes from the Latin "Meditat" which means to contemplate, and from "Meditari"; Latin for measure.

And that’s exactly what mediation is; thoughtful observation. Suddenly any potential connotations are gone.

The other part of this is that men haven't necessarily grown up with the words to describe how they are feeling. How does someone know how to say that they are feeling anxious when they haven't yet tied the physical feeling to the word itself? Someone who is feeling a sense of despair may not know how to articulate that to the doctor when they finally decide they need help.

You may be surprised that "What is depression" or "Am I depressed" is searched on Google as much as it is. So let's teach people.

Lack of Education

Mental health services that work for each individual aren't always easy to find. For example, once someone has passed the friction point of finding and committing to a therapist, it may not be the right fit for them. It doesn't mean that therapy isn't something that will help them, it just means THAT particular therapist may not have been right. But, sadly as with a lot of men I have spoken to about their therapy, they are then put off.

Further to this point, most people are unaware of the different types of therapies and what/who they might be more useful for. I have found that most men wanting to attend therapy look for an "Action-based" approach where they may be given coping mechanisms to battle the immediate struggles. Something like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) could be more approachable for men, where they may be given actions to take away that are focused on changing behavioural patterns and mindsets.

But without teaching the "average" UK male what all of this means and how it could help them, they will never find it.

There is also sometimes a level of elitism rather than compassion between those already working on their mental health, and those that are unaware but struggling. To reflect on another similar scenario, your typical fitness influencer; six-pack, neck like a tree trunk, and biceps like beachballs, requires a high level of dedication and discipline. They may look at the obese guy standing on the tube opposite them and think that they are: lazy, greedy, and unconscious of their state. However, they do not have the same genealogy, upbringing, or interests.

We run the risk of having the same opinions as those who may not yet take an interest in their mental health. To use the same analogy, a lean, yoga-attending, meditation-practicing man, could see someone their age acting like an idiot in the window of their local Wetherspoons. They may even have started a fight.

It would be easy for Mr. Yoga to label Mr. Wetherspoon as an unconscious numpty who isn't able to regulate his emotions, doesn’t seem to realise that he won't feel any better off for all the drinking, and is potentially ruining any lasting friendships.

But what about if Mr. Wetherspoon just doesn’t know that he is struggling with something more normal than he thinks and that there are other, more productive ways to feel better? There are also people out there that WILL listen to him and that his behaviours aren't written in stone.

Rather than gatekeeping and resting on our laurels, we must reach out to those who need it most. With compassion rather than judgment.

Things we can do

Admit there is an issue

The first step to solving any problem is admitting that there is one. This means, not shrugging it off as something that will fix itself over time and that is just part of life. But instead acknowledged that there is an issue here and that there can be positive change.

How can you work toward fixing something, when we pretend there is nothing wrong?

Conversation - Encourage and Educate on talking and listening

Most of us have forgotten how to properly communicate about important topics. We don't know how to encourage someone to open up if they want and we don’t know how to hold space for them to discuss what it is they are going through.

A lot of us don’t have the words to be able to describe the struggles we might be dealing with or the cognitive pain we might be going through. It should be as easy as labeling our physical ailments, like knowing what a bruise is or going to the doctor and telling them that we may have sprained our ankle.

We need to re-educate ourselves on the topics that University Education and classic careers have labeled "Soft-Skills"

Communities - Rebuild real connection

The vast majority of if not all people in the UK live within some sort of society. The downturn of classic religions in the UK has meant that it has been harder for people to network in their local area and find people who may have similar beliefs and interests to them.

You can have a large impact on a community, but getting involved, creating bonds within existing groups or even starting your own community. Start a cycling club, join a poetry society, or volunteer at a soup kitchen. There are loads of things you can personally do that will help you build genuine connections with others and give you a sense of belonging.

The same applies to workplace culture. It is easy to turn up at 9 am and leave at 5 pm, barely talk to anyone or take part in anything, and then complain about the company culture. You are just as much a part of the culture and you can affect the way it stands.

It may sound cheesy, but BEING the change you want to see will positively impact all those around you.

Thank you for reading until the end and hopefully this will be useful to you and maybe those around you. More articles are coming soon that address some of the topics written here, such as education around therapies and a deeper dive into the language barrier around mental health. So follow the newsletter so that you can get notified of the next installment.