Are Men (Like Me) Doing Enough? - I know I am not

Every week at work we have a Chai Pe Charcha on a Friday morning as a place just to hang out and talk. I used the ideas of an online group chat (like a fika) and used the term Chai pe Charcha as indian friendly term for a conversation with a cup of tea. I think i will write something every week in the hour after the Chai pe charcha as the topics are fun, the great people coming along are at the start of their agile journey. And like every great Chi bar.... the people at the bar are different each week. So here goes...

Conscious that there are many great men out there sharing and leading in the help in the house as well and that acknowledging men have the higher suicide rates. This is about how we support everyone, especially those leading child care in the times of covid. Many of whom are of course men. But this is about my experience and my confession.

Tales from the Chai pe Charcha Episode 1 - Are Men (Like Me) are Doing Enough? - I know I am not

This week in the Chai pe Charcha we talked about the Chimp paradox book and what as agilists (and humans ) we could learn. First, we all reflected on the universality of the concept of an emotional "Angry Chimp" that is at times unable to calm down. It made us all laugh comparing notes. For those who don't know the Chimp Paradox model, here is a short video...

We all shared experiences and times where in work and life when our Chimp came out. One shared about a 'chimp driven' tendency to eat that extra chocolate bar; others expressed that it is common in work meetings for their inner emotion to be triggered. On-line and remote, I guess it is much harder for us to notice the change in emotional state with others. When upset, we might withdraw, shut off the video and audio. This way, no one realises you are upset/angry/emotional.

The next topic that came up was 'how do we control our chimp in ourselves, or what to do when this happens in teams'. Often, teams will go through the Tuckman Model. I had a team this week during team chartering go through elements of the Tuckman Model. Interestingly, doing a team chartering early helped to enter the model quicker and come out of it quicker. (Tuckman model below).

And now to this week's big 'Aha moment' for me. As we talked about what activates our chimp, one of my work friends in India (let us call her Saanvi) started discussing what is making her chimp go off. The kind of honest sharing that we get in informal discussions really helps to understand each other better. Her chimp is active because she is stuck at home, trying to do all her work, with the children home doing online learning, and it's not working. Although her loving husband helps and does help with cooking etc. she is trying to run a home, whilst simultaneously doing a high powered job.

The children are deliberately waiting until she is on calls or running her agile ceremonies to logout of learning and doing what kids do. It was amazingly open confession that this situation is unfair, difficult and frustrating. Saanvi went on: her husband goes to work at the office, and the people that used to help her aren't there anymore so her husband and her are sharing the activities. And now, the school is complaining that her kids are not studying. She has no time to herself, let alone to learn, or study. And she has no options.

It was amazing to be able to hear her exercising her chimp and expressing what is frustrating here. Open, candid and uncensored. How often do we feel safe to express what is going on?This is the power of the Chai pe Charcha / Fikas / Informal discussion groups. This triggered in me a recognition that I do not support my own wife enough with our childcare. Luckily, our children are young and do not have to do online learning. But how difficult is it in the parts of the world in lockdown and how often it is that Women have been most disadvantaged.

So as I have my second coffee of the day and write this, I am wondering, what can men do to do more? First problem may be that because men are doing less child care in and out of Covid, we are not designing work options around Covid. All-day PI planning or training are not very family-friendly. We don't build in time during the working day for anyone to see to the additional activities that lockdown and Covid have created in our families. So, everyone, including men, we need to be aware and empathetic, and change things to help women everywhere facing the same challenges as Saanvi!

And personally, I am going to try to help more around the house and be more available. Throughout Covid and running the various Agile activities I do, I have been constantly working in my office. Remote, focused on Zoom or Teams screens, and often working from 7am to 10pm. Occasionally, when I venture to the kitchen for a coffee, my daughters will say 'Hi, dad!!!' and rush to hug me. Meanwhile, Monica, my wife, has all the burden of the home, childcare, work, and looking after me. I hear the kids waking now, so I am off to make a coffee and ask how I can help more. And I am going to scan my working practices to change and encourage others to make a more resilient and equal working arrangement that helps women. As Saanvi spoke, I was remembering back to Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. As a child, my Grandmother always watched these movies, and as a boy I was amazed at how easily they glided and how effortless they made it all look. But was it equal? Ginger Rogers said, "I did everything that Fred did, but backwards and in high heels." I suspect many partners throughout Covid have been similarly burdened and making it look much more simple than you think. So Men, we can do more!

I suspect many partners through out covid have been similarly burdened and making it look much more simple than you think. from my own viewpoint i suspect that I, and many other men can do more!! Especially in work design and especially in support of home working and schooling.

Not sure... if these weekly blogs are of use to any one ... but let us see what happens.

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Scott Seivwright is a Agile Coach and Agile Community leader, speaker and helper.