Are men socially lazy or just cut off?

Working in the men’s mental wellness space we have been coming across more and more examples of disconnection between men. We all know that “men don’t talk”, nobody can argue with that.” How you going mate?” ” Good thanks”. How many times have we all heard that one. It is a brush off. Of course, nobody wants to hear “Well, my dog died, I lost my job, my kids don’t talk to me and life is generally a bag of shit”. How would you respond to that one?

Men will more often than not sit in their own pain without ever sharing. There are a number of reasons for that; firstly, males are not brought up to talk about how they feel. Men are surrounded by imagery of “strong” men, going off to save the world. Sportsmen who triumph, win the game and become the hero, the multi-millionaire businessman who built up his own business. To tell people how you really feel does not work in that world. Secondly, there is something in men that stops them from being vulnerable. It is almost a self-protection instinct and one of “I don’t want to bother you with this”. That last phrase can eventually turn into the feeling of being a burden. Once that happens, things have gone too far. Having somebody to talk to is imperative.

One of the phrases I heard at a Table which I now repeat virtually every day is “I sit on the couch and watch telly whilst I listen to my wife on the phone organising her social life” Whenever I say that to a crowd of men, a large majority of the men nod. There is an amount of social laziness in all men. Men do not engage with their male friends the way women engage with their female friends. However, there is sense for a lot of men that they struggle to find their tribe. There is a general pattern when kids come along, the mother will predominately do the school run (yes, things are changing slowly), she will engage with other mothers over a common bond. Friendships are made and catchups are organised “We must get our husbands/partners together” might be said over coffee” The man then gets to meet other fathers via an initial female friendship. This goes on in primary school and follows through into senior school. These male friendships are highly transient.  

So where does a man go to meet real friends? The golf course, the team sport; what happens if you are not sporty? Things get bottled up. Men can become very isolated, even if, by nature they are outward going.

Having a group of peers is invaluable, a group of mates to share the highs and the lows of life. A group of blokes who will listen to you.

The Men’s Table offers men and chance to meet and sit with other men who often walk a similar path.  If you know a man who could do with a group of men to talk with, please ask them to come along to one of our Entrée nights. That man might be you!

https://events.humanitix.com.au/the-mens-table-entree-9