Men Should Speak Up, Too

[Before you start, I want to inform you that the nature of this message is far more personal than professional.?Although I firmly believe our personal and professional lives are intertwined, I want to make sure that it’s clear that this post, these views, this story, and the message are purely my own—as an individual. This was MY experience. I am not trying to hint that what I went through, how I dealt with it, or its lasting impact is like what others have experienced.?I simply seek to share some insights as to what MY experience was.]

In July, I pushed out a message focused on encouraging all of us—no matter who we are—to start speaking up, telling our stories, and increasing our support for women (and their rights).?My inspiration came from a recent conversation with Danielle (my life partner) shortly after the shocking news released by the Supreme Court related to the overturning of Roe vs. Wade. Danielle encouraged me (a highly privileged, white male), and all men for that matter, to start speaking up more.?She reminded me that the voice for abortion rights needs to be stronger than the voice of just women; rather, everybody who has ever been impacted by or faced with the very decisions that the latest ruling is seeking to dictate needs to speak up.?

Well, I am one of those people. I have my own abortion story, something that I (admittedly) have not spoken about for more than 20 years now.?I’m choosing to post my story here, much as I have other indirect business topics, as I firmly believe that our business lives (especially those of entrepreneurs) are closely tied to our personal lives.?The decisions we make within our personal lives and within our business lives invariably impact one another, be it from managing our health, combatting social inequities, or determining how much time we are willing to spend away from our families as we pursue our careers.?I see them as all very intertwined, and therefore, I am choosing to speak about this topic now to express my unfettered support for the women in my life and also for all other women who continue to fight for their equality, rights, and due respect.?

I have had an abortion.?No need to explain ALL the details, and clearly it was not my body that went through the procedure, though the embryo that was aborted came from my sperm.?Thinking of how that awful day so many years ago STILL heavily sits on my mind reminds me of how much more impactful it must be for the woman who went through the actual procedure. With the recent Supreme Court event, many of my feelings that were suppressed over the years are being re-awakened and inspire me to finally step up, speak out, and—ideally—inspire other men out there to do the same.?

So that I don’t simply turn this blog entry into a therapeutic rant that runs on and on with my emotions, I thought I would speak to a few areas that lie most heavily in my heart. ??

The Decision

The final decision was made some time after she left the waiting room (leaving me behind) and entering the privacy of her doctor’s office. Until that point, the both of us were entangled in an intense debate over “yes” or “no.”?Aside from the amazing difficulty of making this decision, the process was akin to being on an uncontrollable rollercoaster.?One minute I thought/felt one way, the next minute the opposite.?How I felt seemed to echo how she felt, though I lagged her by an hour so, which was enough time for her to go through her own vacillation of indecisiveness. We never found a way to see eye-to-eye, no matter how many cries we shared with one another.?

Regardless of how much I tried to convince her, or how much she tried to convince me (either way), I realized that if the both of us were not fully prepared, willing, able, excited, honored, and committed to bringing a new life into this universe, then our answer likely was staring us right in the face, without even a need to say anything.?

When she left the waiting room and walked into the doctor’s office, I knew that she was going to make the decision that was best for us.?I knew she was feeling the weight of the world on her shoulders; I knew she was going through far more than I could imagine, so I need not pretend to understand.?My role was to support in any way I could, or at least try to support in any way I knew how.?

Lifelong Impact

There are so many things that I remember about the 24 hours that led up to the abortion—which are simultaneously shadowed by many gaps in my memory from that time.?I'm not sure if it was my mind's way of simply cutting out the pain and suppressing my emotion, or if I simply have forgotten so much over the past couple of decades of what took place.?No matter what the reason, the weight of that times drags on my heart to this very day.

The significance of the events of that dreadful day is not lost on me.?The gravity of the decision, the possibility that could have been, the path I did not take, the life we chose to surrender.?Deep down, in my inner core, it's those events, and the many other unrelated events that have taken place since, that define who I am.?

To think that the phrase “out of sight, out of mind” may be applicable to those who go through these experiences, is simply irresponsible.?To this day, “our abortion” is something that I carry with me in the back of my mind.?Making such a profound decision, or even being a part of such a decision, tattoos you at your very core.?There is no running from it, hiding, or deflecting.?Peace with your decision may be achieved, but (for me), the lingering reminder of the heartbreak that took place that day reemerges.?Within hours, my life changed forever.

Today is Different

So much changed that day.?So much that I have never spoken to her (or anybody) about.?The love we had for one another changed.?The confidence we had in our relationship changed.?The bright sunny future that was supposed to be “us” became a bit more clouded.?The silence between us grew, and the deep emotions we suppressed ultimately formed an insurmountable wedge between us.?

I can’t sit here and say with confidence that our split was ONLY a result of the abortion, but I can say, that it was the beginning of the end.?It was but a few months later that the both of us went our separate ways, with the secret we shared packed deep within our suitcases.?

My life today is the way it is because of the choices made within those events.?I have grown tremendously since that point, now have four children that I am excited, honored and committed to raising and madly in love with.?I can support them and am prepared to be the best loving father I can possibly be for as long as I am alive.?I firmly believe that I am where I am today, am the person I am today, and can positively contribute to our society in the way I do as a result of the decision that was made so many years ago.

The Right Partner

In what you might consider ironic, my latest baby girl was brought into my life through the IVF process.?Similarly, yet completely opposite from my past, I went through an entirely new decision-making process with Danielle (the woman of my dreams and with whom I have been with for 8 years) to ensure that we were committed, prepared, excited, and able to bring a new life to our lives.?We took our time to evaluate our preparedness to be new parents and an equal amount of time to ensure that the love between the two of us was strong enough to steer us through the hardships of pregnancy, parenting, and… life.?

Hardships and heartaches we've had.?Our IVF was not the “one and done.”?It took multiple attempts for us to conceive and ultimately carry through to term.?The delivery of our baby came with complications, time spent in the NICU—right as the pandemic was starting.?

The rollercoaster ride of deciding to have a baby was every bit as present this time as it was when we decided not to be parents.?Both rollercoaster rides came with their ups, downs, twists, and turns, and both felt uncomfortable at times.?But in the end, it came down to the decisions that factored in the love and commitment I had with my partners—which in every way—was the most important foundational building block for being a good parent to whomever we brought into this world.

Men Do Need to Speak Up

And so, now, that brings us to today—time in which the Supreme Court has overturned the Roe v. Wade ruling, effectively paving a way to severely roll back/restrict yet another right of women. Hearing this truly made me sad on so many levels.?As well, it reawakened many of the feelings that I have been carrying with me relative to my own abortion-related experience.?

And yes, I agree with Danielle, that men need to starting standing up and speaking out about their experiences.?Men need to stand up and speak WITH women, not for women.?Men need to be brave enough to put their necks, their reputation, their integrity and morals on the line and support women in fighting for their rights, be it for abortions, equality, or just everyday respect.?I have no doubt that women COULD fight this fight on their own, and for sure, would be extremely successful in doing so.

But THIS fight, specifically related to abortion rights, is much bigger than that. These rights are HUMAN RIGHTS, and impact both women and men.?In my opinion, this is something we should be fighting side-by-side with them on.?Who’s brave enough to join us??