Men, Mental Health, Church and the never-ending Disconnect - Part TWO
Teddy Samo, Msc
Learning and Development Specialist | eLearning Innovator | ADDIE & Articulate Expert | Education Innovation | Driving Engagement & Growth in Education and Workforce Training
Remember how we'd returned to church, right? From our Part One? Well run over there quick and come back over here if not, okay? Nice, Thank you.
Yes, so I really did come back to congregate with God's people! After a search for my home church for a few days, I found a St. Monica Lanet Parish. Saw the Sunday Programme and entered them into my pocket-sized notebook. At 10am on Sunday, I am back saying my catholic Sunday prayers, consulting the freshly dusted Missal I have stored for a few years now.
And here I am! In a place I haven't been inside for the better part of a few years now - forgive me Lord! Despite looking different from my former parish of St. Kizito from my last life in a church, this place still feels the same. Still a place of comfort - with Virgin Mary's open arms looking to accept my sinful soul, Jesus on a cross reminding me my sins were forgiven and everything in between.
I get into the now full church - I came in characteristically late - and scramble for the remaining seats at the back, the congregation seems to push an estimated a thousand people. As I do the usual Catholicisms while settling on my pew (a few signs of the cross here, kneeling to say a silent prayer there) something in God's house doesn't feel completely right to me.
Settled at the back of the church, my eyes can't help but wander through the congregation - to the people of God patiently and peacefully following along to the responsorial psalm. I can't help but notice the sea of Catholic Women Association (CWA) dresses and headcloths alongside their children that engulfs the room. In addition to the hundreds of children - quite a good number to be fair - Women are appear to be the main demographic within the Church. This gap in the number of women and children compared to men is, by my quick estimation, overwhelming.
Randomly estimated, I see 10-15 women and children for every 5 men in pews - and that still feels like an overestimation of the number of men. The numbers of men in the Church is hugely underwhelming. I have never looked at Church in this light before; I never was aware of these disproportionate numbers of either gender in church before. This question keeps bogging my mind through the entire mass, during offering, communion, thanksgiving. Why? Why didn't men come to church today, or is it always? Don't most of these women in church have husbands, where are they? An approximate 70:30 ratio of women to men, I must be missing something.
In true curious research-obsessive fashion, I can't just let it be; so I begin to research. First question: Why are men in Kenya not going to church? This should be an obvious question that google gives a straight up response to right? Well, ofcourse right. The first page of the SERP has links directly responding to the question - nearly all articles have topics that almost match my search topic word for word. Some articles observe that the attendance of men is falling, others claim the men have not been going to church completely for a long time.
Does this quote mean something?
Truth be told, followers of Christ have always included a large percentage of women. Luke 8:3 says there were “many” women who supported Jesus and His disciples during their ministry. At Jesus’ crucifixion, “many women were there, watching from a distance. They had followed Jesus from Galilee to care for his needs” (Matthew 27:55). And, of course, it was a group of women who first found the empty tomb (Luke 24:22) [GotQuestions.org].
All-in-all, there is overwhelming agreement that men do not go to church. In one article by Standard Media a certain Mr. Kehenjo claims,
“Church is for women and children. Church is predictable and boring, especially Catholic, which I used to attend. Sitting down to listen to a fellow ‘imperfect and sinful man’ lecturing me on righteousness for hours on end wasn’t making a lot of sense to me.”
More and more men interviewed note that church is not a place they feel that drawn towards. One article I consult - from the US context though - confirms this growing observation, noting;
On any given Sunday, all across the world, churches are likely to have more women in the pews than men. Some estimates place the so-called “gender gap” in America at 61 percent women versus 39 percent men. That means that every Sunday there are millions more women attending church than men.
This is not much of a shocker to me - well, say only slightly. It becomes more of a worry to me though when I visit my bar and restaurant later in the day to watch my favorite Arsenal play the beautiful Artetaball (well bite me hehe). Here, I notice the exact opposite of what I saw in church - a crowded restaurant with middle-aged men shouting at the top of their lungs in-front of life-sized screens at strangers they call their 'own' players kicking one ball around. You cannot ignore their 'dark' tables filled with their favorite brands of alcohol - from beer guzzling older folk to the younger gin-and-tonic lovers and everything in between.
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While running the risk of simplistic generalization, I feel the urge to hypothesize that the men who should have been in churches are instead releasing their week-long pressures in the soccer-showing dungeon (well, that's a harsh name, I know). The more articles I consult and the more I remember my therapist's remarks, the more I find out how much of such maladaptive coping mechanisms men are stuck in.
While referring to the Wellness Wheel, I recognize that Church - or any other religious or spiritual place offers up to FOUR of the SEVEN dimensions of wellness - emotional, spiritual, social and occupational. While almost the same can be said of meeting places like bars and restaurants, such places rarely offer the emotional reprieve and sanctity that the religious spots or spiritual activities do, and without the unwanted downsides.
Men's Reasons for missing Church
Notably however the men running away from the church have various bold claims for their reasons for missing out. One research notes that the men feel like the church and religious teachings advocate for;
".....humility, holiness, and introspection, [which] are seen by some men as “weak” or somehow less than masculine. Men are looking to be challenged with a “bold” message of adventure, danger, and aggressiveness...."
Another theory claims that men feel like the church ambience encouraging peace and calm are feminine and florally inclined. The men would attend churches more - well, nudge philosophy - when churches begin to change their décor to something edgier, darker, more robust, and less nurturing.
What Should Churches Try to Do?
Churches or religious institutions should seek to accommodate the men better by preaching the word in a less needy and understanding the stereotypical male ego. Men are naturally self-reliant, headstrong, and proud and are naturally more resistant to the divine call to humility and submission.
Above all, men should constantly be aware of their role as emotional and spiritual beings. The macho presentation of the male gender must be questioned by every man out there.
Philosophy Take on Divinity
Remember even the famous philosophers agree that a God (a divine deity of sorts) does exist. From the Divine Command Theory to the Natural Law Theory, your favorite philosophers like Thomas Aquinas to Aristotle are unanimous in the existence of something bigger than us. Watch here:
Overcoming Mental Health Huddles by Men
Some of the mechanisms I personally use currently to ensure I am attuned to my wellness wheel, especially the four dimensions related to church include:
Gentlemen all around the World, take care of your mental health. Seek a positive coping mechanism and always stay ahead of your health. You can consult this list of Adaptive versus Maladaptive Coping Mechanisms and seek only ones that will get you in the right path.
God Bless you all, Reconnect with your inner selves!