Men; having friends means holding them accountable.

The Mayor of London's latest #Maaate campaign has sparked some wider thoughts around patriarchy, male friendships and what it means to meaningfully 'show up'.

Trigger warning: domestic abuse, sexual abuse.

One in four women in England and Wales have experienced sexual abuse, and the same proportion of women will experience domestic abuse in their lifetimes. When looking at individual and structural violence against women and girls, men comprise the overwhelming majority? of offenders in all types of domestic and sexual abuse. This issue is one that’s embedded within the fabric of our society, as the End Violence Against Women Coalition describes this as a? “spectrum of violence [...] underpinned by inequality”.??

An investigation by UN Women UK found only 3 per cent of women aged 18-24 report not having experienced sexual harassment. A 2021 YouGov poll found that three quarters of British women and more than two thirds of British men felt that men in society were not doing enough to keep women safe. How do we change that? Well, if you want to start by asking men whether they or their friends are misogynistic, chances are many will just say “no”, or decline to comment.

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The End Violence Against Women Coalition recently came out and supported the Mayor of London on his new #Maaate campaign, and it has been fascinating to witness the debate around the initiative itself, and the wider challenges of tackling this issue whilst changing the way men in society think about their role in ending violence against women and girls.?

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As part of the wider Have A Word campaign, this latest instalment ‘Say ‘Maaate’ to a mate’ makes clear that the gendered violence experienced by women and girls throughout society often starts with words riddled with misogyny. That’s why it aims to empower men to intervene within their friendship circles when a mate says something sexist or misogynistic by providing them with a way to start that conversation and call out that behaviour. According to the folks at Ogilvy, that word is ‘Maaate’. Now, the word “mate” might not be the one that would have come from my agency , but I do find the central premise encouraging; reminding men they are responsible for their friends, so should indeed shoulder some responsibility for their attitudes and behaviour. And yes, this includes their misogyny.

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When working on the youth sexual health campaign #AwkwardMoments , I remember talking to multiple men as part of our co-creation strategy, and I was reminded of the unease too many young men experience when talking about anything sexual, including consent. There seems to be this underlying fear of doing the wrong thing, of not knowing what to say in situations where they’re required to act, for fear of being ‘cancelled’. And these feelings seem to stay with men in isolation, with more silent acknowledgements and less overt ‘call-outs’ amongst groups of men.

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I have to stress that since us men are able to unilaterally benefit from living in a patriarchal society, intentionally or not, we don’t always feel that deep desire to change our behaviour individually. Still, though, especially as somebody very used to calling out nonsense online and in real life, what are our friendships worth as men if we’re not able to pull each other to the side and have important conversations?

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We don’t exist in isolation. None of us do. And we all require an element of selflessness from our fellow human beings in society in order to function. This is only amplified in friendships, where often one’s circle can emulate community, each showing up for one another just because. As men, I do feel our friendships are superficial if ‘showing up’ for one another is limited strictly to pleasantries in social situations or select feel-good moments.

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What about when a mate says something that perpetuates misogyny? What about when a mate makes a gendered joke that pushes past that thin line we can all feel? What do we do, sit in silence or say something??

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Men, I guess nearly all of us need to hear this, but having friends means we hold each other accountable. You cannot profess to have loving friendships if you’re only there for the easy, happy moments. Especially when so much of the burden of ending violence against women and girls is already unfairly placed on those facing male violence and oppression. It’s not only our responsibility as friends to do something about it, but it’s our responsibility as men to actively work against the structural upper-hand we all know, deep down we have.?

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We cannot sit idly by now, but cry out ‘never again’ later when gendered violence brings forth more victims. Whether it’s ‘maaate’, or ‘bro’, ‘bruv’ or a simple yet effective ‘shut up’, feel emboldened to stop sexism and misogyny in its tracks. Doing anything less makes you complicit.

For more information on the nature of violence against women and girls in the UK, visit End Violence Against Women 's website.