Men and Grief

We don't often think about men's grief do we? Maybe it's because they are so damn good at hiding it. But I promise you, if the has been a significant loss, it's there...festering. It's hidden under the rough, quiet, busy exterior. It finds ways of escaping through physical exertion, building something, booze, affairs, or they find other ways of releasing the valve that are unique to them. I had one client who was a home cook and he took to immersing himself in these Michelin Star recipes.

What I see most in my clients that identify as male however, is more work. They build a company, they dive to the business in a more hands on approach and so they have somewhere to vent it all out, they train for an iron man.

While not all of these outlets feel destructible they all exist for three reasons. Below I'll discuss what three reasons we typically see and provide you with some ways of working through it.

Avoidance

Men have been trained to bury feelings and soldier on. It has worked for generations. Not ever, not even once have they have been taught what healthy masculinity looks like. Because let's be honest - every persons perfect is different. It's impossible for men to figure this out without healthy examples. (I have to end this rant here because I can go on for a long long time.)

So of course men go out to keep focused on being busy, because that's also a thing they have been taught. They have be taught to work through it and busy hands forget. The mere idea of sitting face to face and be asked personal questions is scary. It's a vulnerability that very rarely has been modelled for them nevermind deeply practiced or aligned with their way of working through things. We are not always meeting people where they are when they have to come into our world and do uncomfortable things.

Avoidance seems easiest in the moment for sure, but if you wanted to take a peak under the hood to see where the smoke is coming from, because something just isn't quite right for you. Ask yourself:

• What do I have a hard time thinking about and does building this help me forget?
• What would it mean to my partner if they knew why I needed to build this?
• Why can I not rely on them to help me?
• When my family needs emotional support what is my reaction?

I don't think you have to stop building or doing! Just maybe use the time to think through the whys.

Drowning

Alcohol and substance use is a vicious cycle that takes far too many every year. It is the perpetual cycle of hurt that only finds momentary relief at the bottom of a bottle. If you are working through this, and in the headspace to read on, this cycle will be familiar.

So what do I suggest we do? We meet up and talk to the shame. This is a deeply personal process that is so different for every person however, through compassion and deep attention, you can find a place where shame doesn't require you to drown it out. That your whole system can show up to support the parts of you that feel shame.

The support you need through this process, has to be someone other than your partner, family or loved one. You need a third party professional to work through this with you so you can be honest and held accountable. Finding someone you connect with is the most important part of this process. Ask for referrals, look to people you trust to offer recommendations. Find someone who isn't going to make your eyes role in the back of your head when they make recommendations. Maybe your therapist will walk while you talk? Maybe they will sit with you shoulder to shoulder?

You will head into your appointments full of dread, but you should walk out of each session with a better toolkit. That your heart knows you are getting better.

Finding a therapist is also the most risk free option for you. There is no relationship at risk with a therapist. Seek help and specifically say that you carry a lot of shame. Work through it. You are worth it.

Toxic Success

Are you the guy that works weekends, has a couple companies, maybe a consulting gig on the side? Are you also training for a marathon, building a cottage, or cooking for a crowd over the weekend? Sometimes busyness is avoidance and not all things are amazing as you would like us all to believe. A good check point is how you feel when someone talks about how amazing you are. When you are being thrown complements for all of your projects and successes...what is your pride level?

Now if it was your daughter who was accomplishing all of those things... what is your pride level?

There often is a gap in favour of your successful daughter. So, in that same way we mentioned in avoidance, this is kind of like avoidance on steroids. You are always looking forward, your strive everyday, rest is for the weak. There is a level of avoidance is beyond puttering around the garage or golf course.

I can hear what you are thinking.. I'm full of shit - that is just striving to be the best. Maybe we need to at least check?

• When you have perfected the Ferran Adrià Culinary Foam - then what?
• When you finish the marathon in a better time that you hoped, then what?
• When you have sold your company for more than you thought - then what?

Ok - now - tell me, did you pause at any of these most incredible successes and feel proud? Like a 9 out of 10 proud? I mean really, inside, where you don't have to tell anyone proud?

AND...

Maybe you were a little proud but you were much more focused on thinking about what next than celebrating the win weren't you?

Supporting Men

Men often grieve differently than women and therefore the supports need to meet them where they are. So a few thoughts on how to support men who are grieving:

• If you want to talk to them about it, talk while doing. Let them keep busy while talking. Talking about feelings makes men nervous and doing something (walking, building, painting, fishing, etc.) helps keep them grounded.
• Find a therapist for them and offer to make the appointments. You can support from the outside. They need to know you are there and that doesn't mean that you have to carry or fix it.
• Slow down and remind them just how much love is surrounding them. Be safety. Be connected.

I am here for you.