The Men from K.O.O.K.Y.
(Or, how I learned to stop worrying and love Donald J. Trump and his Greatlings)
The threat is clear and it is all around us. Them wiretapping journalists are building their kompromat. People everywhere, you need to be careful what you listen to.
Aural spies are among us... and they mean to enforce their evil plans.
Agents of the Deep State are in cahoots with Deep Reverb to wiretap your ear buds and sonically alter your very mindscape. You can drink the water, if it has been properly benzineated. However, Radio is a different matter - it has been compromised.
As we all know, the surest way into your mind is through your ears.
Artists know this, which is why the Men from K.O.O.K.Y. are here to help.
As the good preacher warned us on #TruthNewsSunday:
Them artists is folks what been vaccinated. That ain't no life fit for a hog. It makes them uppity & jittery. Hell, it will lead to dancin'
We all know what happened just last night in Memphis!
Y'all listen up here! Just look at this mild-mannered Jim from homey Muskegon, MI.
It is all true, this man went to Berlin and had artistic congress with the vaccinated!
ART IS DANGEROUS!
Especially that complexity thing peddled by LGBTQIA-EODM apologists.
They speak in tongues, and drive well-brought up drummers mad.
Forewarned is forearmed, pilgrims. You heard it here first...
Just make the sign of the "airquote" and you are immune from artsy-truth-fakiness.
Yes, K.O.O.K.Y. is the agency within the agency within the agency of revolution. It is there to combat the building aural correctness threat of the Putin Hating Deep State.
I mean, those Trump-hating folks from the #FakeyBoroughs and their #LeakerBuddies.
The Men from K.O.O.K.Y. are here to fight the Dark Forces of Complexity. They will protect us from birther wiretappers interfering with our iPod playlists.
Fluoridation was just the beginning of the Great Global Artistic Mind Control project.
She ain't kidding. These Artists mean business - nasty nasty kommie business.
To get to the bottom of this, you really need to understand one vital obscured fact.
You see, the global surf guitar revival is really a Retro-Kommie plot.
It all started with something they innocently called: "That Stereophonic Sound".
Them Ruskies knew they had a "decibel gap" with their monophonic balalaika sound.
Using miniaturised Kommie-Kameras in sapphire pickups they bugged the bedrooms of Middle America to gather kompromat. The purpose was as simple as it was devastating.
To master the Art of Deep Reverb backing Aloha Twang.
You cannot party in St Petersburg like its 1899 without no hipshaking reverb.
Here, for the first time, we can make the truly shocking big reveal:
Agents of Russian influence have mastered Surf Guitar! The scary mind-altering power of Deep Reverb is now under the control of dubious Artists from St Petersburg.
It is frightening, we know, but earth shatteringly true in SHOUTY CAP fashion.
Secret video footage reveals the full extent of their influence peddling with kompromat.
As you can see, not even Dick Cheney and Steven Bannon are safe from the perilous snare of Deep Reverb operating from their Secret Crypt deep beneath St Petersburg.
Deep Reverb will stop at nothing to trap American greatlings in a web of kompromat.
You can't sleep already, I know. It may be 3AM, but just hold your tweeting!
It gets worse... You might think Putin is happy, but he is not.
He spoke to Donald and is now deeply worried.
Apparently, there are music journalists involved.
They are taking bribes for secret Western guitar-riff leaks in shady bars.
Serial Western riff-leaker Fender Ferret glimpsed in a shady St Petersburg Twang Bar.
This is much worse than fluoridation...
Nobody can resist the effects of hipshake valve-amp manic flange reverb.
Vladimir Putin is at risk of a devastating outbreak of impromptu Russian dancing.
There is a name for this building threat. It is called:
PSYCHOBILLY MADNESS
While once confined to Portland, OR, and other artistic sanctuary rat holes, the threat is now spreading. Agents of the Church of Deep Reverb will spread their psychotic counteractuality in a goodly godly neigbhourhood near you.
The line of influence directly back to Russia is clear.
Under the Tsars, an instrument of teeth-gnashing aural terror was perfected.
The dreaded balalaika: the preferred instrument of terror to the Russian Tsars. This wicked axe of aural destruction had a hole in the middle but no electric pickup.
While brutal to any population, at short-range, it could not carry psychic disruption across the airwaves. Through immigrants of dubious heritage, this instrument was bought to the humble banjo playing folk of America.
Notice the disturbing similarities! It is a Banjo, but not as we know it Father Jim.
In the hands of that Enemy of the Rickenbacker People, Friedrich Gretsch, traditional American-banjo values were perverted into that wicked successor of the balalaika: the all-electric hollow-body amplified guitar.
The well-meaning Country Gentleman Chet Atkins put this new aural weapon into the hands of the masses. While things started well, the riffs soon proliferated... Fenderists and Gretschlings were soon corrupted by the dark power of balalaika influence.
In no time at all, the world faced that modern abomination known as: surf guitar.
This spread across continents, and oceans even, through the horrors of drive-time radio.
Terror travels at the speed of light and its name is surf guitar.
Yes pilgrims, the truth is so horrifying it must be spelt out in bigly caps:
THE GRETSCH APOCALYPSE IS NIGH!
Even Texans with impeccable bona-fides have fallen victim to this New York German immigrant plot. It is a valiant and lonely battle, but the dark satanic forces of the Hollwood Screen Writers Guild continue to block The Truth.
What is the Trailer Trash of America to do on voting day?
We are with you, Reverend Jim.
It is us against them Russkies and their kommie balalaika riff perversion.
It is psychobilly war now...
The fears of many are justified. The sacred mindscape of 1950s America is under active Euro-Kommie threat. We must keep the guitars tuned and the amplifiers warm under the constant threat of an incoming Riff Salvo Exchange.
The Global Psychobilly Religious War is set for mayhem.
The battlelines are clearly drawn, since Irish people were first spotted singing in the key of twang. It is but a few short skips and a jump from Ireland to Boston to Democrats to the Whitehouse to Hawaii to...
WORLD TIKI GOVERNMENT
The evidence mounts... The agent of Deep Reverb, Zombierella, is here glimpsed in the filming of truly shocking Tiki kompromat.
The birther threat of World Tiki Domination is spread through kompromat. Notice that this willing psychobilly savage is caught red-handed clutching the ultimate birther symbol of World Tiki Domination.
The aural swamp thickens...
No masquerading under a different name can hide the ultimate plan from us.
The swamp can't be drained and no axeman is safe to go swimming.
You heard it here first, pilgrims.
No precious American bodily fluid is safe once the birthers doctor the coke machine with their Blue Lagoon Tiki serum. This aural threat is not confined to Russia, alone. No sir... it is truly a Euro-Kommie plot.
Hell, I seen actual Belgians caught in the act of Drinking Gasoline.
They will be adding that to their EPA Re-education School Programs in Sanctuary Cities next. Gasoline ain't for drinking. It is for Rat Rod toasting!
The correct use of gasoline must be upheld and taught from an early age.
But wait, we got Rat Rods breaking out in Berlin...
Even worse... Recent footage from Finland shows a disturbing Euro-Kommie mastery of traditional redneck trash disposal.
The extent of psychic corruption evident in this wanton display exposes a peculiar problem. It is not just the material aural threat...
America clearly faces a looming Skinny Wench Gap.
From Milan to Helsikini, espresso sipping skinny wench types have proliferated across the entire hair colour spectrum. See here... Zagreb recently deployed bikini bombshells without so much as a muffin-top safeguard.
Meanwhile, down in bigly gayly Paris, warbling Catholics in Black Satin pose a special threat to American casino family values. SHOCKING!
Even in staid Canton Zurich, they have actual German teachers deploying covers of American dancefloor classics.
Who knows what darkness lurks in the heart of a Swiss German Teacher from Zurich?
She is not even Blond!
DOUBLE THE BEYONCE BUDGET!
One must fight class with ... a soundly framed and funded defense posture.
American Musical Greatness is under threat from a Euro-Kommie Plot.
However, it is not just the skinny wench threat. There is a much bigger picture here than gin-soaked doughboys from Zurich playing double bass to pull chicks in double-vision.
A long-range aural strategic missile buildup is also in clear evidence. Agents of Dutch influence have mounted a beachhead assault on the 1950s cultural heartland.
There are decibels and intercontinental vocal range in play with this Dutch Mata Hari.
We are now facing a Euro-Kommie assault across the entire cocktail music spectrum!
It is not just Mai Tais and Monkey Glands, but Martinis, Sidecars and Manhattans.
Don't believe me?
Well, here is a deep cover blow on the nefarious activities of the Italian Secret Service.
They do Scat, people. That means ...
EVEN JAZZ AIN'T SAFE NO MORE
Just look what happened last night in Brazil!
Brazil, of all places... who would have thought?
This war against American Musical Greatness attacks every music style on every front.
Like I said, this will lead inexorably to:
WORLD TIKI GOVERNMENT!
As the good Reverend Jim has warned us: There ain't no Sguaro in Texas
You know it makes no sense.
Grab the Gretsch and pop an Argentine Paleo Bronto-Biscuit.
Fill the Land Yacht with 91Octane ultra-leaded...
To the strains of global psychobilly madness:
Vote K.O.O.K.Y. Bigly, Nowish!